I AM NOT ALONE

When you take your marriage vows you never think beyond the moment. At that moment the vast percentage of brides and grooms are typically young, vibrant and healthy. Time goes by and things are going well, then LIFE happens.

Trials and tribulations are all part of life. It's naive for anyone to think otherwise. Those who joke about living a charmed life, be sure to count those as blessings and shore yourself up for the rough roads that may be ahead. Because when disaster or difficulties strike...it takes a formidable spirit to maneuver through and committed love to keep a couple together.

When I became sick one of the fears that would wash over me during times of feeling extremely useless would be the thought that my amazing husband might leave me. That he might not be able to deal with my "new normal". Anyone who knows my man, knows the fear was unfounded, but in my state, at that time, it was very real to me.

There are still times even now where I am extremely irritated and insecure with my state of being. Thats right - state of being, because the idea of doing ANYTHING is overwhelming when an episode strikes and leaves me flattened for days. Guilt, stress, and all sorts of crazy thoughts prevail. It's hard to explain the desperation and the helplessness, a person feels they're suffocating in when something debilitating has it's grip on you. And I don't share this just from my physical health standpoint. I share this from the times where depression gripped my soul and threatened to darken my days forever. I despaired then as much as I have with my physical disease.

I share this because my days of late have been bogged down with fits of desperation, irrationality and grief. With this new episode that threatens to suck me into its warped reality, I have to wage a daily war to pull myself out and get to work. I've failed miserably. I haven't done any school work for five weeks now. I'm behind. With each passing 24 hours that I fail to take a step and do something I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper and yet, I also feel like I don't know how to pull myself out of it this time.

So today, as life happened and I broke up three dog fights, shuffled papers from one side of the desk to another, pulled out my school articles for my composition class and then thrust them back into the computer bag, and instead, I decided to share my deep dark secret world I'm living in. ONLY IT'S NOT SO DARK ANYMORE...Because as I share a little more light creeps in. A little more weight is lifted. As I share I realize that I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS. There are others out there dealing with all that life has thrown at them, just as I am, and making strides towards healing or dealing...

I AM NOT ALONE - because my husband hasn't left me, he has stuck by me, he is always encouraging me and even when I am hyper-sensitive and bite his head off for no reason (like I did yesterday, sorry babes) he walks away with forgiveness in his heart and never holds anything against me. He's my super hero. Same goes for my girls - who are always quick to encourage and love. I have friends who reach out and pray for me as well. Family who check in, some almost daily. I AM NOT ALONE.

Though the enemy would love for me to believe I AM alone...I am now seeing that I am not!
It's time for me to fight back and start taking steps to move forward.
I apologize if this post depresses anybody.
The struggle is REAL and HARD and sometimes it helps to be open and honest -
and for me at this moment it's helped me refocus -
reminded me that it can be done and I can succeed -
by His grace and for His glory!

That's been my motto for years
I just forgot!

SO...HERE I GO...

WRITTEN ABOUT 4 DAYS AGO...

Just an update. Somehow, writing this helped me to move forward. I hadn't planned to share it, but hope this might encourage someone along the way.

God bless you all!

When the Pain is Too Great

Pain...
There are days when this word DEFINES me. I can honestly say, and I don't use this term lightly, there are days when I hate it. Then I have to check myself and look at what is going on and remind myself to be thankful, grateful, to look to the One who makes it possible for me to deal with this pain, the one who has kept it under wraps and bearable for this long. Having the pain hit right around Easter is a humbling experience to say the least. Thinking about all He endured on my behalf, pain that I cannot even imagine, leaves me biting my tongue and rethinking my personal response to my own discomfort. That's really all it is...discomfort. I've not been maimed, beaten until unrecognizable, had a huge cross place upon my back to carry through the dirt roads and up a hill. NO, my pain is really nothing and yet it's everything. It keeps me from doing what I want to do. It keeps me from accomplishing all that I have to accomplish. It keeps me from participating in things I want to participate in. HOWEVER...it also keeps me focused on God. It also keeps me cognizant of those around me who are also suffering. It keeps me from ever thinking I can do things in my own strength. It keeps me relying on HIM!

I think the difficult part of this pain, this time, is the fact that I have had a lengthy reprieve. I have been blessed to have had nearly eight months of minimal pain, tolerable pain and some days, what felt like zero pain. It was such a blessing, I had almost forgotten just how awful the pain could be. THEN IT HIT...and I was NOT prepared for it...AT.ALL...

For a couple days I floundered in my own world filled with pity parties and an exorbitant amount of dark chocolate covered almonds. Then I began to pull myself out of my self-inflicted misery and turned my attention to the One who could make the pain go away. I dove into the Word. I searched for passages on strength and courage. I prayed them out loud and asked Him to transform me into a person who exemplifies just that - God's strength and courage. I am definitely not there yet, but God is working on me!

As the pain continues - my knees ache, my elbows have their nodules and sensitivities to touch, my arms have a constant dull ache in them and my "paw" game I played with Sadie will have to hold off because just a slight hit from one of her puppy teeth sends me reeling. There's also the gut pain - the internal organs protesting my Easter gluttony have led to internal spasms that keep me up at night. Then to add to it all I have a diverticulitis flare happening that just started today. SO, as the pain progressively worsens, I am looking to Him to be my strength!

SO...to keep me from wallowing in self pity again - feel free to leave me a note about 

something you need prayer for. I would love to spend time in prayer FOR YOU! :)

BEING A CHRISTIAN

Being a Christian is not appearances
Being a Christian is not religious
Being a Christian is not going to church on Sunday
Being a Christian is not living out a set of rules
Being a Christian does not make you a martyr
Being a Christian is not living in bondage
Being a Christian is not .... the world
Being a Christian does not give you the right to judge...anybody.

Being a Christian is having a heart of compassion.
Being a Christian is seeing those around you with the eyes of Christ.
Being a Christian is being a shining example of Christ to humanity.
Being a Christian is living your life as He has taught you to live it.
Being a Christian is remembering you're a sinner saved by grace.
Being a Christian is knowing and admitting you make mistakes.
Being a Christian is extending forgiveness for even the most heinous of crimes against you.
Being a Christian is living in freedom.
Being a Christian fuels your heart with a burning passion for the injustices of this world.
Being a Christian is not easy but it's worth it!

COLLEGE BOUND!

I can't believe this...it blows my mind every time I think of it. I graduated from high school THIRTY years ago!?!?! That sounds like an eternity...okay maybe that's a bit overly dramatic. But it is a LLOOONNGG time.

So, I start college classes next week...NEXT WEEK!!!!
Am I a little apprehensive? A LITTLE?!?! heck yeah!
But the crazy thing is I'm bursting with anticipation as well!!! I know, I can't believe it! I don't understand where this enthusiasm is coming from!

I can't wait to jump in and I will have to jump in with both feet! I scheduled to start one month early because I want to do their fast start program. This means I will finish my first class within the first 30 days. Well, actually I will finish it within the first 22 days because I want to have it completed and take the next 2 weeks off to enjoy visiting Bethany and Brandon and their precious family - and holding my sweet new grandson!!! I don't want school looming over me. I want to know that I have accomplished my first task and my next one can start when I get home.

I know this probably sounds foreign to most college bound people. My program is an accelerated competency based program with Western Governors University. You take one class at a time. As you complete the assignments and prove your competency you move on to the next class. I think it's the perfect set up for someone who's employed full time. My goal is to complete the program in 30 months. In 2 1/2 years I would have my bachelors and if I get the hang to this program, I may even work on my masters and try to complete that in 6 months to a year. Ambitious? I hope so, because for some reason the Lord has laid it on my heart to do this and made it possible (I passed the entrance exams...after being out of school for 30 years...) and my employer is assisting with the tuition.

AND...what better way to start off my program than a 30th Class Reunion?! I'm stoked! I have a great weekend ahead of me and then I'm hitting the books! SO...I may not emerge very often and when I do it may sound a bit like gibberish...or too much like academia. Not that it's a bad thing, just saying I have no clue which direction I am going to go with this learning thing. My desire is to learn and dig and research and ask questions and learn more...well you get the picture.

If you were thinking it but afraid to ask - it seems that empty nest has led me to fly the coop - or maybe I'm just nesting into my little realm and preparing for the long season of learning. Here's a shot of my little "coop". It's coming along well and I have a few more touches to add but I believe it will do nicely! Trying to keep it SIMPLE and COMFORTABLE!

IT'S A NEW DAY!

It's been a year...or two...okay probably more like four or five! Things have not been easy, but in the midst of the crazy, there has been so much joy, so much to celebrate.

First of all...when I became sick back in 2009 and things became progressively worse, I thought it was going to be my "new normal" and that there was little hope for a return to who I was. But God had other plans and here I am in North Dakota, living on the res, working full time, singing on praise team, watching my girls become adults, loving my man and starting the journey towards a bachelors degree. YEAH...I must be crazy! People are looking at me and thinking - "that girl couldn't even swim in the wading pool and now she done jumped into the deep end!" Maybe...but I'm living life! I'm loving life! And I'm about to be learning life at a whole new level!! :)

Really, for all that "should" be in the eyes of the beholder - my life has taken a glorious detour! I never dreamed I'd be here. BUT I AM! I never thought I'd be full of energy and life again. IT'S HAPPENED and I'm so grateful to my Savior for He saw fit to take my health challenges and pain and turn them around. It's in the little things that we see the progress...

I can get up and sing a full set for praise and worship and not be shaking and quivering at the end.
I can walk the mall at a normal pace and do a full round of grocery shopping and still have energy left when I get home.
I can drive to and from Minot without being thoroughly exhausted.
I directed VBS this summer and didn't crash - physically or emotionally.
I can work a 12 hour day and still get up the next morning and do it again.
I can go for a brisk walk and maintain the same speed on the way back up the hill to our house.
I can help my husband with the massive undertaking of our jam packed garage and at the end of the day we have filled the back end of his pickup with junk and had a stall that fit a vehicle!

This is a huge change from the girl who could only rise from the couch and shuffle to the bathroom and back before she had to rest.
This is a huge change from the hunched over, stiff jointed, locked muscle, lump infested person who couldn't accept help from anybody because they couldn't touch her without sending shockwaves of pain through her entire body.
This is a huge change from the muddled, fog-brained female, whose only relief from life and pain and emotions was to mindlessly play bejeweled for hours on end. No judging - I actually believe that keeping my mind occupied and doing something was better than having it idle and I mean I DID score in the 500,000's back then. I can't even repeat that now and don't even have the patience to sit through one game. I will say however, that Pinterest was my other escape and that one is still a bit of an addiction I'm working on breaking.

SO I'm living. God is good!
I'm loving so much more than I ever dreamed. Loving nature, loving family, loving my man more deeply than I could have imagined, loving God more fully.
And I am excited for the challenge of learning so much more. Broadening who I am. Obtaining a bachelors degree and who knows...once I have that I qualify for SEMINARY!!!! Now there's a dream I would love to accomplish!

If you are struggling. If you've drawn the short straw and have to deal with things most people never even think about. Be encouraged. God is there. He was with me when I was mindlessly passing the time on the couch. He was with me when I was angry at all that was going on and the lack of diagnosis. He has been with me through all of this, carried my family through so much more than what I was going through, and He brought so many supporters and encouragers - I know I am truly blessed. I pray you too would have the same support and encouragement. That you too would feel His presence in the midst of your pain. That you too would know that He loves you with a deep abiding love that can penetrate even the worst of pain or the most wretched of circumstances.

"We know that God who raise the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God's grace reaches more and more people there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. That is why we never give up! Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day! For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:14-18

Rest in this truth. God's grace reaches more and more people through our testimonies. NEVER GIVE UP! YES...our bodies are dying, but our SPIRITS are being RENEWED EVERY DAY! I know the troubles don't feel small, but when we look at them in light of all Jesus suffered on our behalf, they become bearable. Endure the hardship and be a light for those who do not see and cause them to ask you how in the world you still smile!

Seasons Change

Today was rough.

I didn't think it could get any rougher then surviving the weeks prior and the week of VBS. 

I didn't think it could get any rougher then trying to throw my house in order after a month of neglect so that it would be ready for a visit from my eldest daughter Bethany and my two adorable grandchildren.

I didn't think it could get any rougher than a trip to Bismarck to drop off the same daughter and her children at the airport - the same trip that turned into an emergency appendectomy for my youngest daughter Sara. No...

I didn't think it could get any rougher...

Then we started packing my Sara as she prepares go begin her life away from home...

PHEW...

I thought I had mentally prepared myself for the reality of this time in my life. 

I thought I'd talked myself into the fact that it would be awesome and that I was psyched. 

I promised myself a week to grieve, a week to party, then I needed to move on. 

I have already begun preparing for the "moving on" so-to-speak. I have begun making plans to fill the time, or should I speak more honestly - to fill the void. 

I love all my girls. Looking back at each of their unique personalities. The great joy each has brought into our lives. I am astounded by how blessed we are, how blessed I am. I have four of the most amazing, selfless, loving women on this earth. I have much to be thankful for. Each daughter pretty much suffered through my Christian growing pains, as well as living through the honeymoon stages of many moves and new adventures. My pendulum swung wide and each time it did I'm sure the girls had to learn to duck and cover, not knowing what crazy scheme mom would come up with next! Was I going to sell all the secular CDs and make everybody listen to Christian music only? Was I going to purchase every veggie tale and every Elsie book and disconnect cable TV? Was I going to make them all help plan another VBS or create some elaborate purity conference? Oh yes - they've each experienced some aspect of my spiritual growth spurts. Some were a little out there, some not too bad, but there was one constant my family always humored me in - if I had an idea - everybody was along for the ride! Might as well hop on the bus because there was no fighting it. 

Sara has been a trooper. She's been recruited to act the part of a glittery spider mite for VBS. She's run around with a fairy wand at purity conferences and been subjected to sex talks since she could remember. She has been forced to sing in a family quartet in front of a few hundred much to her chagrin. She has been my rock. My support. My companion. When my health took a turn at the most inconvenient time in our lives, Sara was there, holding the pieces together for the family and somehow making sure I didn't completely fall apart. She was only 15 when our family became split in various directions, strewn across the United States. The baby of the family who didn't get to be a teenager in the standard sense. She had to grow up and learn about hospitals, emergency rooms, drug interactions, drug allergies, doctor terminology. How to make sure I got what I needed. How to stuff her fear, her emotions, so that she could be strong for me. She couldn't even drive, but she was there as my representative, telling them all they needed to know so they could treat me. Calling her dad, who was working in another state, to give him an update on the situation. 

Our Sara just turned 18. Is she really ready to go out into this big bad world and make her own way? She's my baby. And yet, I know it's time to let her go. Because my baby hasn't really been a baby for a long time now. She is mature beyond her years. Some of it forced on by circumstance, but much of it already an integral part of who she is. 

Seasons change. Life happens. And sometimes we just have to accept that in order for our children to grow they must strike out one their own personal journey. No matter how much I'd love to hang on to her, I have to let her go. 

Is this easy? NO WAY!

Am I freaking out??? I can neither confirm nor deny! 

Am I going to miss her? HORRIBLY!

I don't like it. But God never said I would. Change may seem to come easy to me, but you should know that I do dwell on these types of changes. With each one of my girls I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that they are becoming their own woman. There are days where I just want to clutch them all to me and have them all sitting around the kitchen floor sharing thoughts, ideas, laughter, and lots of silliness. I miss those days. But I know that God has amazing adventures planned for each one of my girls. My new season in life is to pray for them. Pray for their families. Pray for the grandchildren. AND HERE'S THE EXCITING PART...

I get to discover anew the wonder of being married without children. I get to give my husband my undivided attention. We get to do crazy things together, just the two of us. It's exciting to begin this empty nest stage in my life with my best friend by my side. Seasons change. People change. But I must admit I am comforted knowing that my God never changes. Especially since He's the one I have relinquished my girls to. He's the one who goes with them wherever they go and that brings me a great deal of peace. 

I'M COUNTING ON GOD!!!!!

Sometimes life becomes complicated. 

My life used to be an oxymoron - it was simply complicated. The simply was the fact that it took very little effort to accomplish everything and I was extremely productive. The complicated was the fact that I juggled many tasks and never worried about dropping a plate. I was the supreme multi-tasker. You needed something done, I was your person to do it. I planned retreat weekends, worked jobs, directed VBS, sang on the praise team, wrote devotionals, played piano, ran a Bible study...I don't write all this out to brag. OH NO...

I share this because life has changed significantly. 

Life is still simply complicated only that term has taken on a whole new meaning. It is now an inseparable term. Since becoming sick over two years ago "simply complicated" defines my life in ways I would never have dreamed. What was once a simple task has become unfathomably complicated. 

Eating...it's complicated.

Cleaning...it's complicated.

Sleeping...it's complicated.

Exercising...it's complicated.

Grocery shopping...it's complicated.

Doing Laundry...it's complicated.

I have been frustrated by this "complication" but tonight, I have found The Lord gently prodding me to surrender my frustrations. To take the complicated out of the equation and turn it into something more simple. It all came in the terms of finding God's will. At our praise and worship night at church (Resonate) we were challenged to look at God's will for our lives and see how we are handling it. 

When it was "easy" to fulfill what I believed was God's will, I was happy to jump in and "do great things". But when things became complicated, well, I found myself on a roller coaster of emotion and pain that left me feeling more like I was going in and out with the tide in my relationship with The Lord. Some days the tide was in and I was doing great and felt God and I had come to an understanding on how life was going to go. Then there were days I felt the tide was out and I was treading for dear life, floundering with every wave that threatened to pull me under. 

Tonight, I realize that the problem in this equation has been ME. You see, as long as I could accomplish the tasks in my own strength I was doing great. But now...now I have to rely on God for everything I do. There are days I am in so much pain I have to rely on His strength to get me out of bed so I can even start my day. I WANT to take on more, I want to be as productive as I used to be but for some reason, God had to shut me down. Tonight, I found the reason. I was operating in my own way and God wanted me to start doing things His way. 

I get tired of those proverbial 2x4s that The Lord has to bring up along side my head all too often, but this time I am beginning to see WHY. I thought those answers wouldn't come until I was on the other side of heaven but God is gracious and has found my wanting heart in need of a bit of His sweet revelation. So, here I am. And I absolutely love that our closing song tonight so wonderfully sums everything up...

I’m in a fight not physical, I’m in a war but not with this world

You are the light that’s beautiful and I want more, I want all that’s Yours

I've got joy unspeakable that won’t go away and just enough strength to live for today

So I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring ‘cause my faith is on solid rock

I am counting on God

I am counting on, I am counting on God

The miracle of Christ in me is the mystery that sets me free

I’m nothing like I used to be, open up your eyes you’ll see!

MY FAVORITE PART IS

I've got joy unspeakable that won't go away and JUST ENOUGH STRENGTH TO LIVE FOR TODAY

So I never hve to worry what tomorrow will bring, 'cause my faith is on solid rock

I AM COUNTING ON GOD!