How My Search for MORE is Leading to LESS

Apparently when a person hits a certain age there is a paradigm shift in their thinking. The early years were spent living life as though one were invincible, as though a person would live forever without a care in the world. My egocentric self was consumed with finding what I wanted, what was best for me and so on. With marriage and children came the formidable years marked with raw survival techniques and massive wound licking. It seems as though we were in uncharted territory. Newly Christian and uncertain how to live it out the pendulum would swing widely conservative, then oddly permissive and after some years obtain a more stable, middle-of-the-road, less fanatical stance. Those years were lovely yet chaotic. As the daughters grew and began leaving the nest and my health began to fail in ways I'd never dreamt possible I became more introspective. What was I doing with my life? Who am I living for? Am I even making a difference? And the scope of my existence honed in on my inability to achieve a peaceful environment. As the world around grows more and more out of whack, my desire for some form of peaceful inhabitance increased.

With the advent of my health crisis came newly chartered waters that have led to my now esoteric life. Esoteric is such an amazing word that beautifully describes my current life in a nutshell, "intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest." Questions were raised - "Why are you on such a strict diet?" "What do you mean you only take supplements and not the seventeen prescribed medications from your doctors?" "How do you manage to afford eating only grass-fed beef and organic vegetation?" "You fly from North Dakota to Denver to see a Field Control Therapist (whatever that is...) so you use tinctures that look like water and detox your system how?" The list goes on. Yes my life is only understood by a small number of people and even those closest to me scratch their head but see the difference it's made in my quality of life so they support it. But with all the changes in my lifestyle, I've yet to find my "happy place". Sounds selfish I know. But truly - my search is to gain a place of respite for my family's soul while offering a place for the Lord to come in and transform our lives and use us to reach a lost and dying world with His message of hope. It's hard to do on a limited supply of energy, especially when it's all spent on cleaning my house and all it's meaningless content.

We are a consumeristic society. Believe me, I've consumed my share and more. It is a harsh reality that has slapped me in the face in the recent months. Over five years ago God began working on my heart to SIMPLIFY my life. Had I listened then, things would be much easier now. But I'm not the quick study that some people are. It takes awhile to wrap my stubborn head around new things - change may come easy but change for the positive has never been my forte. I am really good at getting stuck in ruts and I found myself close to six foot under when the realization that the way I've been living just was not working for me anymore.

Enter the Minimalist ideal. For the past two years I've been studying the theory behind minimalism, slowly exercising the principles presented. My initial reaction was to horde. Horde it all! I have a library of books that many people only dream off. I could fill the entire basement wall of a 2000 square foot ranch style home with them. There are an unending supply of tubs filled with books - glorious books. But my voracious appetite for knowledge could only be filled in a very small window of time so most of my glorious books have never been cracked. Just picked up off the shelf and stroked with wonder and awe at what might be contained within them. (This is an area I've been working on...)

Another area that clearly was an issue was my BAG habit! How did I know it was an issue? My nickname was "The Bag Lady." Clear sign there was a problem. So I thinned that area of life out and have limited myself to about 15 favorites. Still excessive but somewhat justifiable. Definitely a work in progress.

North Dakota has been a good move for my health but hard on the pocketbook. Somehow amidst the craziness of what is the Bakken a guilt that we brought our daughters into what felt like the middle of nowhere and our only escape being the big town trips to Minot or Bismarck (which were way too frequent) we fell into the horrible trap of retail therapy. We had left behind what would have been deemed the simpler life of Ohio where shopping was so convenient we took it for granted and moved to a place where shopping could only be had on weekends and a strange sense of urgency for a shopping fix consumed us for about a year and a half. It was shameful. I'm not proud of where we found ourselves but in the midst of all this I have honestly FOUND MYSELF. And in the finding I am implementing a battle plan for the new house - the new lifestyle - the newfound search for MORE that is leading to LESS.

So I'm learning the art of minimalistic living, consuming books on the topic, digesting thoughts and ideas. I have come to the conclusion that the peaceful existence I seek IS found in simplicity and have been blessed by the resources I've discovered on the topic. Currently I'm reading/studying two books that I will implement from theory to practicality as I unpack my 25 years of overwhelming cargo into my new home. Marie Kondo's book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (the Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing) and Jen Haymaker's 7 - an Experimental Mutiny Against Excess are my new arsenal against consumeristic living. I pray you will indulge me as I post about my discoveries on this journey to becoming more by living with less!

JEALOUS MUCH?

Sometimes I flippantly say things often enough they begin to shore themselves up within my heart creating negative thought patterns and before I realize it - sin has crept into my life in the form of seemingly innocent statements.  The more time I spend with the Lord the more I see how these things manifest themselves in my life and how I need to clean house every-so-often. Just as my Catholic upbringing required the sacrament of reconciliation - so to, in my daily walk with the Lord - there is that need to reflect and confess on the sin that creeps into my life.

Anger is cruel, and wrath is like a flood, but JEALOUSY is even MORE DANGEROUS! Proverbs 27:4

JEALOUSY...ENVY...
both lead to discontentment. And both had crept into my heart and were making a comfy home of it.

The sad part about jealousy and envy is the fact that they can lead us to mentally slaughter the source. I have recently been convicted of this sin in my life. I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed as I do way too often throughout the day. I came across one of the usual posts of a friend on a beach vacation enjoying their time and photo journaling their fun. My comment on their post was one word, "jealous." Though I thought I was being playful, the Lord pricked my heart and caused me to pause and reflect.

As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person. Proverbs 27:19

I was flooded with conviction as my heart's sinful state was revealed. I thought I was just being silly when in all actuality I was exactly as the word stated...JEALOUS!

I was also dealing with ENVY. 

Just as Death and Destruction are never satisfied, so human desire is never satisfied. Psalm 27:20

These were not traits I wanted harbored in my heart. I much preferred being a light - someone who exhibits love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. Yeah - I want to be like that...NOT jealous and envious. 

The state of jealousy and envy in my heart were causing me to question God's goodness towards me. Who am I to downplay another person's good fortune by telling them I'm "JEALOUS" and by doing that claim God wasn't being good to me? 

I have been thoroughly chastised in every good way! I am so thankful that God takes the time to reveal the dark corners of my heart where sin is lurking and by his grace and mercy clear it out. 

We all have good fortune in our life and we were all made for the purpose of loving God and loving his people. Jealousy and envy have no place in that. 

Before I logged out of Facebook I still commented on my friend's post saying, "I am so happy for you!" My heart was lighter, my smile was genuine and my day was brighter!