I didn't think it could get any rougher then surviving the weeks prior and the week of VBS.
I didn't think it could get any rougher then trying to throw my house in order after a month of neglect so that it would be ready for a visit from my eldest daughter Bethany and my two adorable grandchildren.
I didn't think it could get any rougher than a trip to Bismarck to drop off the same daughter and her children at the airport - the same trip that turned into an emergency appendectomy for my youngest daughter Sara. No...
I didn't think it could get any rougher...
Then we started packing my Sara as she prepares go begin her life away from home...
PHEW...
I thought I had mentally prepared myself for the reality of this time in my life.
I thought I'd talked myself into the fact that it would be awesome and that I was psyched.
I promised myself a week to grieve, a week to party, then I needed to move on.
I have already begun preparing for the "moving on" so-to-speak. I have begun making plans to fill the time, or should I speak more honestly - to fill the void.
I love all my girls. Looking back at each of their unique personalities. The great joy each has brought into our lives. I am astounded by how blessed we are, how blessed I am. I have four of the most amazing, selfless, loving women on this earth. I have much to be thankful for. Each daughter pretty much suffered through my Christian growing pains, as well as living through the honeymoon stages of many moves and new adventures. My pendulum swung wide and each time it did I'm sure the girls had to learn to duck and cover, not knowing what crazy scheme mom would come up with next! Was I going to sell all the secular CDs and make everybody listen to Christian music only? Was I going to purchase every veggie tale and every Elsie book and disconnect cable TV? Was I going to make them all help plan another VBS or create some elaborate purity conference? Oh yes - they've each experienced some aspect of my spiritual growth spurts. Some were a little out there, some not too bad, but there was one constant my family always humored me in - if I had an idea - everybody was along for the ride! Might as well hop on the bus because there was no fighting it.
Sara has been a trooper. She's been recruited to act the part of a glittery spider mite for VBS. She's run around with a fairy wand at purity conferences and been subjected to sex talks since she could remember. She has been forced to sing in a family quartet in front of a few hundred much to her chagrin. She has been my rock. My support. My companion. When my health took a turn at the most inconvenient time in our lives, Sara was there, holding the pieces together for the family and somehow making sure I didn't completely fall apart. She was only 15 when our family became split in various directions, strewn across the United States. The baby of the family who didn't get to be a teenager in the standard sense. She had to grow up and learn about hospitals, emergency rooms, drug interactions, drug allergies, doctor terminology. How to make sure I got what I needed. How to stuff her fear, her emotions, so that she could be strong for me. She couldn't even drive, but she was there as my representative, telling them all they needed to know so they could treat me. Calling her dad, who was working in another state, to give him an update on the situation.
Our Sara just turned 18. Is she really ready to go out into this big bad world and make her own way? She's my baby. And yet, I know it's time to let her go. Because my baby hasn't really been a baby for a long time now. She is mature beyond her years. Some of it forced on by circumstance, but much of it already an integral part of who she is.
Seasons change. Life happens. And sometimes we just have to accept that in order for our children to grow they must strike out one their own personal journey. No matter how much I'd love to hang on to her, I have to let her go.
Is this easy? NO WAY!
Am I freaking out??? I can neither confirm nor deny!
Am I going to miss her? HORRIBLY!
I don't like it. But God never said I would. Change may seem to come easy to me, but you should know that I do dwell on these types of changes. With each one of my girls I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that they are becoming their own woman. There are days where I just want to clutch them all to me and have them all sitting around the kitchen floor sharing thoughts, ideas, laughter, and lots of silliness. I miss those days. But I know that God has amazing adventures planned for each one of my girls. My new season in life is to pray for them. Pray for their families. Pray for the grandchildren. AND HERE'S THE EXCITING PART...
I get to discover anew the wonder of being married without children. I get to give my husband my undivided attention. We get to do crazy things together, just the two of us. It's exciting to begin this empty nest stage in my life with my best friend by my side. Seasons change. People change. But I must admit I am comforted knowing that my God never changes. Especially since He's the one I have relinquished my girls to. He's the one who goes with them wherever they go and that brings me a great deal of peace.
