FUNCTIONAL FIXEDNESS

In Chapter 2 of Sacred Influence the author discusses how a man can live in FUNCTIONAL FIXEDNESS. The first time I read through this part of the book I truly struggled to understand how a male author writing to a woman would get off with suggesting we be manipulative. I honestly felt that was what he was telling me to be. So, I committed this to prayer because I struggled so mightily with it. And now - months later, I am reading through this again and feeling completely different about it.
"Men don't normally change if what they're doing is working FOR THEM." That's why we find them in functional fixedness. The author goes on to explain that, "He needs a compelling reason to change and it needs to be more compelling than your happiness or your private misery with the situation. It's not YOUR pain that motivates him but HIS pain." REALLY??? I would have never thought this.

My husband has spent our entire marriage working his tail off to provide whatever my little heart desires. In the beginning manipulation definitely ruled and I had to work hard to weed that type of thinking from my heart and mind after I turned my life over to the Lord five years into our marriage. So when the author writes, "You have to be willing to create an environment in which the status quo becomes more painful than the experience of positive change." I honestly thought he was talking about me manipulating and possibly even undermining everything I had tried to build into our marriage. I was incensed by this insinuation and somehow I totally missed this next part...

"A wife should be a positive influence without nagging and without petty recriminations (i.e. withholding sex, the silent treatment, a critical spirit.) A wife should GENTLY but FORCEFULLY make her husband see that as long as he acts the way he is their marriage is going to suffer in SPECIFIC WAYS that affect HIM."

When I read this over 6 months ago I had no idea the Lord would begin His work without me knowing what to do or how to do it, but He truly has and it's amazing to watch him work. Yet there's a warning in the next few paragraphs - things we really must heed, "be wary of your willingness to live with your glaring hurt or a gaping need. Do not pretend that Satan won't exploit it! Or that you won't be tempted by another man who happens to be strongest where your husband is weakest. Creating a climate in which your spouse will be motivated by his pain is a COURAGEOUS and HEALTHY movement TOWARD your spouse and toward PRESERVING and STRENGTHENING your marriage. It is an act of commitment NOT rebellion."

What a relief - I'm NOT being rebellious! "All of this requires a very specific application based on your husband's personality." My prayer - Lord, help me to know ho and what to do to make this effective, benefiaical and powerful! "It's enough to say that if merely communicating your hurt isn't solving the problem - you're most likely dealing with functional fixedness and you'll need to BE STRONG to address that issue. NOT ROCKING THE BOAT might backfire, making your husband more likely to stray or disrespect his wife because she 'puts up with' his poor behavior which reinforces his disrespectful behavior."

Then I read on and was completely caught off guard by this next part - "If you can stand strong in your relationship and your identity IN CHRIST, COURAGEOUSLY making clear how you will and will not be treated, you will be amazed how the respect you show yourself rubs off on your husband." I have lived for 22 years thinking that I should NOT stand up for myself because that wasn't being submissive. I was living with more of a "doormat" mentality I guess. But reading this made sense this time and I now realize that there has to be a way in which I can lovingly rebuke my husband when he does or says things that disrespect me and possibly even belittles me in front of others. Not to say that I would rebuke him in front of others, no there is a time and a place where this is to be done and that would definitely be in private because otherwise I am doing the same - by addressing the issue in front of other people I would be disrespecting him as well which totally defeats the purpose!

My final words for you from Gary Thomas on this issue of functional fixedness are, "Many women think their husband's anger is the great enemy of their security but in fact WEAKNESS and the corresponding RELATIONAL BOREDOM pose fa more potential threat. THINGS MUST CHANGE!" So creating an environment conducive to making your man uncomfortable with the situation enough so that he is awakened out of his functional fixedness is a GOOD thing and NOT manipulation at all! DO ALL TO THE GLORY OF GOD LADIES!!