DON'T BE LIKE A SENSELESS HORSE

"Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control." Psalm 32: 9

Of all the verses to jump off the page at me it had to be this one. But as I ponder my past few weeks and the crazy thoughts that were parading through my mind and the stress that was continually plaguing me to the point I wanted to step out of life for awhile and be somebody else, this actually makes sense. You see...I have been that senseless horse - or more likely the mule - that needed a bit and bridle to keep it under control. I have been struggling to the point I would break down crying uncontrollably for the smallest most ridiculous of reasons. I was the stubborn mule that wouldn't listen to reason and figured as long as I avoided any conversations that implied I was "out of control" then I could continue on my merry way and things would sort itself out in time.

Who was I kidding?

For about a week now, God has wanted me to read Psalm 32. Every time I opened my Bible it would open right to this Psalm. As I finally read through it this morning - I was convicted by the fact that I am back where I was just a couple years ago - I noted on the following passage that this was "ME 2013!"

"When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all the day long.

Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.

My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

FINALLY, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt.

I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.' 

And you forgave me!

All my guilt is gone!"

Psalm 32:3-5

SO I CONFESSED

The sin of worry - over so many things in my life - including the house, school, and my job to name a few. This lack of trust makes me take things into my own hands rather than allowing God to work out the details. It leaves me wasted emotionally and physically wiped out.

The sin of pride - too proud to admit I need help, too proud to say no to things I need to bow out of, too proud to let people know I'm hurting physically and emotionally.

The sin of gluttony - thinking I needed a bigger house than was necessary because it had to have everything...rather than choosing the practical size that was functional, affordable, and what we now consider acceptable. Though not perfect, it will be very comfortable and beautiful (and still probably a little bit too big...)

The sin of slothfulness - spending too much time on social media trying to escape my responsibilities.

The sin of ungratefulness - being ungrateful for...the mighty hand of God and how He has worked out even the minute details of our lives, the sweetness of all the work Jon and Kenzi are putting into their house that we are renting, the ability to work from home most of the time, the support of my youngest daughter Sara who puts up with all my ridiculousness all day long, the fact that Bailey is close enough that we get to see her almost weekly, how healthy little Andrew is after his trying first few months in this world...These and so many more items are things I should be thankful for, but some I've not even acknowledged before the loving God who provided them all.

The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. 

I will advise you and watch over you. 

Do not be like a senseless horse or mule 

that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control." 

Psalm 32:8-9

After I confessed I began to feel a little better. But then felt prompted to list out my STRESSORS. WHY I COULDN'T KEEP THINGS UNDER CONTROL...

• Being behind in school.
• Trying to figure out a house and all it entails.
• Building a new business.
• Packing up all my unnecessary things to make room for the kids.
• Massive fatigue that leaves me so tired I can't focus on writing, reading, etc.
• Overcommitted to a variety of upcoming events. (I need to prioritize but haven't.)
• Supplement changes that have caused me to feel like I may be losing my mind.
• Pain, constant stiffness and pain. 

From there I was led to note all my DISTRACTIONS & PROCRASTINATORS

WHAT I USE AS MY EXCUSE TO KEEP ME FROM DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO...

• Facebook (self explanatory)
• Instagram
• Dishes (great excuse not to focus on other things)
• Packing (another great excuse)
• Laundry (and yet another)
• Texting (thinking it can't wait)
• Pinterest (my escape)
• Blogging (another escape)
• Shuffling (from office to front room to kitchen leading to reorganizing every time I sit down to work on either school or office stuff...)

Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, 

that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment. 

For you are my hiding place; 

You protect me from trouble.

You surround me with songs of victory.

Many sorrows come to the wicked, 

but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. 

Psalm 32:7 & 10

Finally, I determined the ACTION PLAN that is going to be necessary for me to be in the right frame of mind to begin trusting in Him. 

HOW CAN I TURN ALL THIS OVER TO GOD...

• Make my quiet time the priority it should have been all along.
• Limit my social media time to 15 minute increments - once each morning, noon and evening for a total of NO MORE THAN 45 minutes a day. 
• Sort out the house hold duties and ASK FOR HELP.
• Clear out the office and make that my PERMANENT work station (until we move).
• Map out my school - carving out as much time as possible to put towards my classes.
• Drop all extra curricular activities for the time being (for sanity sake).

These are all I came up with for the moment. I'm sure there's more to the gameplan, but this was a very healing, productive, reflective, life-infusing quiet time today! May you find peace and joy from it as well!

Oh what JOY for those whose disobedience is forgiven,

whose sin is put out of sight!

Yes, what JOY for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,

whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

Psalm 32:1-2

STICKER SHOCK - when the home of your dreams becomes a nightmare

I am EXHAUSTED!
More than that I am so over this house thing! Not really, but I would love to be.

A week ago today we found out that the BUILDER (not our broker/designer Kopper Creek) but the builder - Magnolia Homes - had to file bankruptcy. Because Kopper Creek holds to the practices of Colorado real estate, our money was in an escrow account waiting to be issued to Magnolia Homes once they got the full house plans to them. But that never happened. Through a series of God-ordained events, money never changed hands and all is well with the Johnsons. Well...sort of.

I believe God has a reason for everything. Things don't happen by chance, they're ordained of a loving God. SO...with that in mind, I've been pondering, "Why God?" And in His silence we have been way too active. Actively trying to find another builder. Actively cutting this and that and the other to make the house more affordable Actively trying to be good stewards but totally forgetting to seek the Provider's face. We scrambled. We traveled. We had meeting after meeting. And with each meeting a little more of me seemed to die. Because with each meeting prices increased. With each meeting the timeframe we desired came and went. Without a decision last week - our last hopes of having a home before our daughter's wedding were crushed

So WHY would God allow this to happen?

You would think that we would have diligently pursued this question for a clear answer. Maybe we figured God couldn't handle it? Maybe we figured we had to take matters into our own hands to get this thing done because obviously it didn't happen the first time around.

However, through all the struggles, the pain, the terror (yes, I've been that emotional about this whole thing) we left the out the Key component. So when the day came for our decision (that was yesterday) and we had nothing from the housing company, we figured we needed to dig deep and see what was going on...WITH US and WITH GOD.

That's when it hit me personally that we were willing to sacrifice a lot in our later years in life (yes, I am acknowledging I'm getting old!) We were willing to pour body, soul and spirit into this house that would cause us to have to work for another 30 years. I am going to be 50 next year. I DO NOT PLAN TO WORK UNTIL I AM 80. Lord willing, I will retire in my 60's and spend the rest of my days on this earth loving on our grandchildren and serving the Lord fully and completely with my husband alongside!

Since our decision-making didn't have to happen yesterday, I got up early to spend some time with the Lord and ask Him what was going on. I couldn't find my Bible bag...anywhere in the house. I was not going to let that stop me...I grabbed my NASB off the shelf and flipped it open and started reading. I ended up in 1 Chronicles. I was surprised but figured I would see what God had for me. There in the passage that I'd highlighted years back were words that now have a whole new meaning. David was wanting to build a temple because the arc of the covenant had traveled with the people for many years and David and the people had settled down and built permanent structures, yet the arc remained in a tent. The prophet Nathan had to tell David NOT to build the house for the Lord. But God promised that David's people would go on to be great and that He would watch over them and that one of the lineage of David would find God's favor and build the house of the Lord. I know that there's something to be said for taking things out of context, but really - the Lord led me to a passage about building a "house" and this verse struck me...

For you, O my God, have revealed to your servant that you will build for him a house; therefore your servant has found courage to pray before you. 1 Chronicles 17:25

That's when it hit me. I have not had the COURAGE to PRAY before God other than to ask His blessings on OUR project. This project that has gone from the home of our dreams to a total nightmare. It was time to do some REAL soul searching, some REAL praying, some REAL listening.

So, I put down my Bible, set aside my journal and I did just that. I went before the Lord and prayed. And my heart felt His gentle prodding and the words of my wise brother came back to me about a smaller dwelling place, and my hearts desire for a place of refuge and peace resurfaced, a home where Daryl and I could be happy and a house that would not bankrupt us -- the irony! OH the IRONY!

As I take a closer look at the house plans, the foundation work, the shop, the cement work, the well, the septic, the basement, the interior perks, the size...THE SIZE of the undertaking - I am stunned by the realization that we almost moved forward with this project. God, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, has allowed us to take some time, analyze everything, consider what we truly need and remember that the house is just for the two of us, not our children who are all grown; not our parents - even though we would love to house them and if the time came and that were necessary we would make the adjustments needed. NO, this house simply needs to hold two people. It doesn't require a lot of square footage. We've lived in homes with four children where we had an average of 100 square foot per person and made it work!

This place and its beauty should be considered 

and whatever we can do to recreate a homestead here, 

we need to do it thoughtfully.

I think the hardest part about letting this place go is the hours we put into it, pouring over the plans, tweaking things to make them work for us, dreaming, believing that this was the PERFECT house and may it is, just more than likely not for us. So I'm laying my house before the Lord. I am giving it over to Him. I am trusting and praying He will allow Daryl and I to find agreement in the home we are to build. That we would not shy away from the work required to start from scratch, if that is what we need to do in order to honor God.

Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised! The Lord made the heavens. Splendor and glory are before Him,     strength and joy are in His place.  

 1 Chronicles 16:25-26