FUNCTIONAL FIXEDNESS

In Chapter 2 of Sacred Influence the author discusses how a man can live in FUNCTIONAL FIXEDNESS. The first time I read through this part of the book I truly struggled to understand how a male author writing to a woman would get off with suggesting we be manipulative. I honestly felt that was what he was telling me to be. So, I committed this to prayer because I struggled so mightily with it. And now - months later, I am reading through this again and feeling completely different about it.
"Men don't normally change if what they're doing is working FOR THEM." That's why we find them in functional fixedness. The author goes on to explain that, "He needs a compelling reason to change and it needs to be more compelling than your happiness or your private misery with the situation. It's not YOUR pain that motivates him but HIS pain." REALLY??? I would have never thought this.

My husband has spent our entire marriage working his tail off to provide whatever my little heart desires. In the beginning manipulation definitely ruled and I had to work hard to weed that type of thinking from my heart and mind after I turned my life over to the Lord five years into our marriage. So when the author writes, "You have to be willing to create an environment in which the status quo becomes more painful than the experience of positive change." I honestly thought he was talking about me manipulating and possibly even undermining everything I had tried to build into our marriage. I was incensed by this insinuation and somehow I totally missed this next part...

"A wife should be a positive influence without nagging and without petty recriminations (i.e. withholding sex, the silent treatment, a critical spirit.) A wife should GENTLY but FORCEFULLY make her husband see that as long as he acts the way he is their marriage is going to suffer in SPECIFIC WAYS that affect HIM."

When I read this over 6 months ago I had no idea the Lord would begin His work without me knowing what to do or how to do it, but He truly has and it's amazing to watch him work. Yet there's a warning in the next few paragraphs - things we really must heed, "be wary of your willingness to live with your glaring hurt or a gaping need. Do not pretend that Satan won't exploit it! Or that you won't be tempted by another man who happens to be strongest where your husband is weakest. Creating a climate in which your spouse will be motivated by his pain is a COURAGEOUS and HEALTHY movement TOWARD your spouse and toward PRESERVING and STRENGTHENING your marriage. It is an act of commitment NOT rebellion."

What a relief - I'm NOT being rebellious! "All of this requires a very specific application based on your husband's personality." My prayer - Lord, help me to know ho and what to do to make this effective, benefiaical and powerful! "It's enough to say that if merely communicating your hurt isn't solving the problem - you're most likely dealing with functional fixedness and you'll need to BE STRONG to address that issue. NOT ROCKING THE BOAT might backfire, making your husband more likely to stray or disrespect his wife because she 'puts up with' his poor behavior which reinforces his disrespectful behavior."

Then I read on and was completely caught off guard by this next part - "If you can stand strong in your relationship and your identity IN CHRIST, COURAGEOUSLY making clear how you will and will not be treated, you will be amazed how the respect you show yourself rubs off on your husband." I have lived for 22 years thinking that I should NOT stand up for myself because that wasn't being submissive. I was living with more of a "doormat" mentality I guess. But reading this made sense this time and I now realize that there has to be a way in which I can lovingly rebuke my husband when he does or says things that disrespect me and possibly even belittles me in front of others. Not to say that I would rebuke him in front of others, no there is a time and a place where this is to be done and that would definitely be in private because otherwise I am doing the same - by addressing the issue in front of other people I would be disrespecting him as well which totally defeats the purpose!

My final words for you from Gary Thomas on this issue of functional fixedness are, "Many women think their husband's anger is the great enemy of their security but in fact WEAKNESS and the corresponding RELATIONAL BOREDOM pose fa more potential threat. THINGS MUST CHANGE!" So creating an environment conducive to making your man uncomfortable with the situation enough so that he is awakened out of his functional fixedness is a GOOD thing and NOT manipulation at all! DO ALL TO THE GLORY OF GOD LADIES!!

COMPLACENCY A MARRIAGE DEATH SENTENCE

Complacency is a place I find myself when I am letting myself drift through life. It's not where I ever want to be but even in marriage this unwelcome guest may creep in and left unchecked can crumble a marriage. When a person becomes complacent they tend to let their lives run on auto pilot, so to speak. Auto pilot which has no direction, no destination and is typically in self-destruct mode. I've been there and don't ever want to go back. It almost destroyed my marriage to my amazing man and I praise God He got a hold of me in time to save it.

In reading Ephesians I was reminded of God calling me to Himself. Ephesians was one of the first books I read after surrendering my life to Him. In chapter 4 it says, "Put on your new nature, created to be like God - truly righteous and holy." (24)

From there it gave instructions. It talks about telling your neighbors the truth, don't let anger control you, use your hands for good hard work and not to steal, give generously to those in need. Then it goes on to say - "Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." (4:29) Which brings me to complacency marriage killer point number one, when you are in a complacent mode sarcasm takes over. There is a place in life for sarcasm or rather humor, however when you are complacent the sarcasm becomes biting and hurtful and begins to dig a grave of emotional turmoil in marriage. Most of the time I would just shrug it off as a bad day but before I knew it, the habit of sarcasm had become commonplace in our conversations.

The next verse states, "Do not bring sorrow to God's Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, He has identified you as His own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption." (4:30) Point number two, when we are living in complacency we bring sorrow to God. I find that when I allow my life to become routine, especially my quiet times then complacency sneaks in and I no longer strive to live a holy life. I have to work at maintaining an active pursuit of Christ to keep from falling into this.

Point number three - complacency leaves a path of destruction. This destruction leads to "bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander as well as all types of evil behavior." The worst part is that once a marriage reaches this point it's difficult to get rid of those things. There is a great deal of bitterness, anger takes over, frustrations are high, and we start saying not-so-nice things about each other. The worst part is we start believing them. The biting sarcasm has become harsh words and all trust and communication are gone.

Turning around complacency doesn't have to be as difficult as the enemy would have you believe. Your marriage may have one foot in the grave but you can pull yourself out of it! Ephesians 5:1-2 has the answer. "Imitate God therefore, in everything you do, because you are His dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ." Turning things around can take time, definitely takes a concentrated effort and will likely be painful. But it's the healing type of pain. Worth all the time and effort it takes. It will require you to humbly to go your spouse and ask for forgiveness. It will demand you to exercise restraint where your tongue is concerned. In the long run however, rising from the grave of complacency and defeating its death penalty is totally worth it!

WHEN CHANGE COMES KNOCKING...

Sometimes I'm glad to be here in North Dakota. Though where we live has been referred to as a third world country and there are times where it might even be believable, I still feel there's a bit of charm to this state even if it's in the midst of great chaos as the 21st Century Gold Rush.

Then there are times where I feel the loneliness my daughters verbalize occasionally. It really is hard here. There are not very many women around, my best friends are Daryl and my girls. My interaction with those other than my own family are limited.

I still struggle with my health and am going through a lot where that's concerned. So the change in geographic location is not the only change happening around here. We are living in a temporary dwelling and preparing to relocate in August. We have yet to find a church home. Things are constantly changing at work. And my health is so up and down I don't know whether I'm going to physically be UP or DOWN. I hope I am not coming across as a whiner here. That's really not the purpose I am sharing all this with you. The real reason is because I CHOSE this time in my life. I AGREED to it. WHY would I do something so crazy? Leave behind a wonderful church family, a great job, a beautiful home, dear friends, and move out to the middle of literally NOWHERE????

Because...

God called me to it...

and...

I did it for my husband.

For the past few years I have been praying for a change for him and God brought it. I had a choice - accept God's will for our lives or fight it. I preferred not to fight with God, so I accepted.

Times are tough and I do feel down sometimes. I miss so many people, I miss having a nice house that fits all of our belongings in it. I don't like the idea of moving without my friends around to help. But mostly, I miss having the support of my sisters-in-Christ. Those women who lifted me up in prayer, in word and in deed. Those women who showed up on my doorstep when I couldn't get off the couch and cleaned my house. Those who provided us with meals when we needed them most. Those who checked in when it was just Sara and I and Daryl was in North Dakota and Kenzi and Bailey were in Arizona.

But in the midst of this desert journey, I'm seeing God working in the lives of my husband and daughters in ways I would never have thought possible.

I am seeing a God who provides, lovingly disciplines, and gently draws us to Him. Even though we may feel we're not in the "perfect" place, we're all together and prayers are being answered every day!

So rather than wade in a pool of self-pity, I have chosen to immerse myself in His love and peace and might even "dive head long into a slough" of His grace. (Okay, so you have to live here to understand that last imagery. There are sloughs - little "lakes" all over here and some look inviting while others are just plain nasty. Jokes really are not funny if you have to explain them huh?! Maybe I'll leave those to my daughters.)

Anyway, when change comes knocking, don't run the other way...embrace it! God moves in mysterious ways, we may never fully understand but, He does have a plan and He longs to bless you! You never know what blessings await on the other side (or in another state and country!) 

Go ahead...DIVE IN!