Friday, April 24, 2015

I AM NOT ALONE

When you take your marriage vows you never think beyond the moment. At that moment the vast percentage of brides and grooms are typically young, vibrant and healthy. Time goes by and things are going well, then LIFE happens.

Trials and tribulations are all part of life. It's naive for anyone to think otherwise. Those who joke about living a charmed life, be sure to count those as blessings and shore yourself up for the rough roads that may be ahead. Because when disaster or difficulties strike...it takes a formidable spirit to maneuver through and committed love to keep a couple together.

When I became sick one of the fears that would wash over me during times of feeling extremely useless would be the thought that my amazing husband might leave me. That he might not be able to deal with my "new normal". Anyone who knows my man, knows the fear was unfounded, but in my state, at that time, it was very real to me.

There are still times even now where I am extremely irritated and insecure with my state of being. Thats right - state of being, because the idea of doing ANYTHING is overwhelming when an episode strikes and leaves me flattened for days. Guilt, stress, and all sorts of crazy thoughts prevail. It's hard to explain the desperation and the helplessness, a person feels they're suffocating in when something debilitating has it's grip on you. And I don't share this just from my physical health standpoint. I share this from the times where depression gripped my soul and threatened to darken my days forever. I despaired then as much as I have with my physical disease.

I share this because my days of late have been bogged down with fits of desperation, irrationality and grief. With this new episode that threatens to suck me into its warped reality, I have to wage a daily war to pull myself out and get to work. I've failed miserably. I haven't done any school work for five weeks now. I'm behind. With each passing 24 hours that I fail to take a step and do something I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper and yet, I also feel like I don't know how to pull myself out of it this time.

So today, as life happened and I broke up three dog fights, shuffled papers from one side of the desk to another, pulled out my school articles for my composition class and then thrust them back into the computer bag, and instead, I decided to share my deep dark secret world I'm living in. ONLY IT'S NOT SO DARK ANYMORE...Because as I share a little more light creeps in. A little more weight is lifted. As I share I realize that I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS. There are others out there dealing with all that life has thrown at them, just as I am, and making strides towards healing or dealing...

I AM NOT ALONE - because my husband hasn't left me, he has stuck by me, he is always encouraging me and even when I am hyper-sensitive and bite his head off for no reason (like I did yesterday, sorry babes) he walks away with forgiveness in his heart and never holds anything against me. He's my super hero. Same goes for my girls - who are always quick to encourage and love. I have friends who reach out and pray for me as well. Family who check in, some almost daily. I AM NOT ALONE.

Though the enemy would love for me to believe I AM alone...I am now seeing that I am not!
It's time for me to fight back and start taking steps to move forward.
I apologize if this post depresses anybody.
The struggle is REAL and HARD and sometimes it helps to be open and honest -
and for me at this moment it's helped me refocus -
reminded me that it can be done and I can succeed -
by His grace and for His glory!

That's been my motto for years
I just forgot!

SO...HERE I GO...

WRITTEN ABOUT 4 DAYS AGO...

Just an update. Somehow, writing this helped me to move forward. I hadn't planned to share it, but hope this might encourage someone along the way.

God bless you all!



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