I AM NOT ALONE

When you take your marriage vows you never think beyond the moment. At that moment the vast percentage of brides and grooms are typically young, vibrant and healthy. Time goes by and things are going well, then LIFE happens.

Trials and tribulations are all part of life. It's naive for anyone to think otherwise. Those who joke about living a charmed life, be sure to count those as blessings and shore yourself up for the rough roads that may be ahead. Because when disaster or difficulties strike...it takes a formidable spirit to maneuver through and committed love to keep a couple together.

When I became sick one of the fears that would wash over me during times of feeling extremely useless would be the thought that my amazing husband might leave me. That he might not be able to deal with my "new normal". Anyone who knows my man, knows the fear was unfounded, but in my state, at that time, it was very real to me.

There are still times even now where I am extremely irritated and insecure with my state of being. Thats right - state of being, because the idea of doing ANYTHING is overwhelming when an episode strikes and leaves me flattened for days. Guilt, stress, and all sorts of crazy thoughts prevail. It's hard to explain the desperation and the helplessness, a person feels they're suffocating in when something debilitating has it's grip on you. And I don't share this just from my physical health standpoint. I share this from the times where depression gripped my soul and threatened to darken my days forever. I despaired then as much as I have with my physical disease.

I share this because my days of late have been bogged down with fits of desperation, irrationality and grief. With this new episode that threatens to suck me into its warped reality, I have to wage a daily war to pull myself out and get to work. I've failed miserably. I haven't done any school work for five weeks now. I'm behind. With each passing 24 hours that I fail to take a step and do something I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper and yet, I also feel like I don't know how to pull myself out of it this time.

So today, as life happened and I broke up three dog fights, shuffled papers from one side of the desk to another, pulled out my school articles for my composition class and then thrust them back into the computer bag, and instead, I decided to share my deep dark secret world I'm living in. ONLY IT'S NOT SO DARK ANYMORE...Because as I share a little more light creeps in. A little more weight is lifted. As I share I realize that I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS. There are others out there dealing with all that life has thrown at them, just as I am, and making strides towards healing or dealing...

I AM NOT ALONE - because my husband hasn't left me, he has stuck by me, he is always encouraging me and even when I am hyper-sensitive and bite his head off for no reason (like I did yesterday, sorry babes) he walks away with forgiveness in his heart and never holds anything against me. He's my super hero. Same goes for my girls - who are always quick to encourage and love. I have friends who reach out and pray for me as well. Family who check in, some almost daily. I AM NOT ALONE.

Though the enemy would love for me to believe I AM alone...I am now seeing that I am not!
It's time for me to fight back and start taking steps to move forward.
I apologize if this post depresses anybody.
The struggle is REAL and HARD and sometimes it helps to be open and honest -
and for me at this moment it's helped me refocus -
reminded me that it can be done and I can succeed -
by His grace and for His glory!

That's been my motto for years
I just forgot!

SO...HERE I GO...

WRITTEN ABOUT 4 DAYS AGO...

Just an update. Somehow, writing this helped me to move forward. I hadn't planned to share it, but hope this might encourage someone along the way.

God bless you all!

When the Pain is Too Great

Pain...
There are days when this word DEFINES me. I can honestly say, and I don't use this term lightly, there are days when I hate it. Then I have to check myself and look at what is going on and remind myself to be thankful, grateful, to look to the One who makes it possible for me to deal with this pain, the one who has kept it under wraps and bearable for this long. Having the pain hit right around Easter is a humbling experience to say the least. Thinking about all He endured on my behalf, pain that I cannot even imagine, leaves me biting my tongue and rethinking my personal response to my own discomfort. That's really all it is...discomfort. I've not been maimed, beaten until unrecognizable, had a huge cross place upon my back to carry through the dirt roads and up a hill. NO, my pain is really nothing and yet it's everything. It keeps me from doing what I want to do. It keeps me from accomplishing all that I have to accomplish. It keeps me from participating in things I want to participate in. HOWEVER...it also keeps me focused on God. It also keeps me cognizant of those around me who are also suffering. It keeps me from ever thinking I can do things in my own strength. It keeps me relying on HIM!

I think the difficult part of this pain, this time, is the fact that I have had a lengthy reprieve. I have been blessed to have had nearly eight months of minimal pain, tolerable pain and some days, what felt like zero pain. It was such a blessing, I had almost forgotten just how awful the pain could be. THEN IT HIT...and I was NOT prepared for it...AT.ALL...

For a couple days I floundered in my own world filled with pity parties and an exorbitant amount of dark chocolate covered almonds. Then I began to pull myself out of my self-inflicted misery and turned my attention to the One who could make the pain go away. I dove into the Word. I searched for passages on strength and courage. I prayed them out loud and asked Him to transform me into a person who exemplifies just that - God's strength and courage. I am definitely not there yet, but God is working on me!

As the pain continues - my knees ache, my elbows have their nodules and sensitivities to touch, my arms have a constant dull ache in them and my "paw" game I played with Sadie will have to hold off because just a slight hit from one of her puppy teeth sends me reeling. There's also the gut pain - the internal organs protesting my Easter gluttony have led to internal spasms that keep me up at night. Then to add to it all I have a diverticulitis flare happening that just started today. SO, as the pain progressively worsens, I am looking to Him to be my strength!

SO...to keep me from wallowing in self pity again - feel free to leave me a note about 

something you need prayer for. I would love to spend time in prayer FOR YOU! :)