So...I'm deviating from "WHO I AM" to "WHERE I AM" - this is an entry that may be very personal - it is meant more as a means for my personal growth but you are welcome to peer deeply in the my internal processes...but I must warn you - you should ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.
SIDE NOTE: Sorry about the "fashion posts" I don't know how I linked this to my blog lol but I WILL try to get this to STOP showing up. It's a new site I discovered through Pinterest and in the process of PINNING I guess I also LINKED. Technology...
Back to my pivotal moment in time.
It does go back to the beginning of my marriage where my budget savvy husband Daryl would lament over the fact that when he was single he always had a few thousand in the bank and a few hundred in his wallet. This always irked me. I never have been good with money but I didn't view myself as a burden since I was able to contribute quite well to our family income. However, with the multitude of hours he put in, it soon became apparent if any bills were to be paid I would need to pay them.
Daryl has always been an extremely loyal and hard worker. He would put in 12 plus hour days on a regular basis and even work weekends. This sometimes caused conflict because he seemed never to be home and when he was he wanted to relax and not tackle any form of honey dos. I, being the mature creature that I was, would simply strike back by NOT doing much of anything myself. I mean, we both worked right? IT WAS HORRIBLE! The house was always a mess, sink was always piled with dishes and the only thing that had some semblance of "order" was the schedule I kept for Bethany and I. And yet, I was slothfulness at it's finest. Daryl hated it. It drove him crazy! He was always one to claim that "everything has it's place and that's where it belonged." So, he would take care of his things and I would take care of mine. It wasn't the best situation and the sad thing is I wore him down. Eventually he stopped caring and gave in to my way of living - and you can just imagine how horrible things got then.
Our bills reflected my attitude until for survival sake I made sure the things that HAD to get paid did. Many times Daryl promised to take over the finances if I just got things lined out and taken care of. Many times, I did just that because I SO did not want to do the budget any longer - but I never got it to the place where he would take it on. This in turn frustrated me as well. It took Kenzi having an impetigo episode to turn around my slothful ways. She was nine months old, crawling and drooling everywhere. The impetigo showed up in her armpits and was very contagious. Because of her baby ways - Bethany got it on her feet. It was not an easily conquered ailment and I would literally scrub the house top to bottom every day with the hopes of obtaining victory over this nasty thing! From that time forward I would always make sure my house was clean. It might have been cluttered, but it was most definitely clean. This was probably an answer to prayer for Daryl.
When I came to know the Lord in 1994 and felt Him prompting me to quit my job (which at the time was our main income and our benefits) and stay home and be a wife and mother, I did just that. Since I was home I settled in my heart that I would be responsible for the bills and payments. This worked for a long time but we still struggled because along with our lack of prowess financially, we also had a lack of communication. I think I would prefer to call it a language barrier. Daryl speaks predominantly MALE and I only knew how to speak FEMALE. It made things extremely difficult because we just did not understand one another. Between the two major struggles there were many times during those years I would wake up and think, "WHO ARE YOU?" or "You are NOT the man I married, I don't even know or understand you!" Those moments would pierce me to the core. I never wanted to lose him but I didn't want us to go through life not knowing one another either.
One thing that I had not acknowledged was our combined sense of pride. Daryl's pride stemmed from his hard working background. Telecommunications was an ART for him. If you ever saw a telephone cabinet with thousands of wires leading in to the main unit - most often you would see a MESS of wires - that you cannot track. Daryl's finished product is a picturesque work of art. The wires come in and are all bundled by location and clearly marked. To say he takes pride in his work may be an understatement. For Daryl there is no other way to work. As far as my pride goes - well it's a little harder to explain. It's best summed up in this, "I take pride in my humility."
This brings me to today's lesson. Another revelation of pride in my own life that I haven't realized was there. Five years ago my health began to deteriorate and I turned over the finances in their entirety to Daryl. I just could not do it. I was done in. The weight I lived with, the guilt, the shame all lifted with this turn over of responsibility. And for several years I flat out refused to even become involved...till now. In November I left my job because of my health. I was unable to put in a full 40 hour week and needed some time to recuperate. This came about the same time Daryl was offered a job and relocated to North Dakota. Thinking I had this all under control I took on paying bills and felt I was good enough and things would be fine. Today I was proven wrong and I am not only humbled but humiliated. I have had another facet of my life broken and undone. However, I am SOOOO thankful! I am praising God for His timing in this teaching and pray that I will learn all I need through this situation. Things will be tough for awhile because of my mistake but I LOVE that God is working in such a way in my life.
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