Of all the verses to jump off the page at me it had to be this one. But as I ponder my past few weeks and the crazy thoughts that were parading through my mind and the stress that was continually plaguing me to the point I wanted to step out of life for awhile and be somebody else, this actually makes sense. You see...I have been that senseless horse - or more likely the mule - that needed a bit and bridle to keep it under control. I have been struggling to the point I would break down crying uncontrollably for the smallest most ridiculous of reasons. I was the stubborn mule that wouldn't listen to reason and figured as long as I avoided any conversations that implied I was "out of control" then I could continue on my merry way and things would sort itself out in time.
Who was I kidding?
For about a week now, God has wanted me to read Psalm 32. Every time I opened my Bible it would open right to this Psalm. As I finally read through it this morning - I was convicted by the fact that I am back where I was just a couple years ago - I noted on the following passage that this was "ME 2013!"
"When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all the day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
FINALLY, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.'
And you forgave me!
All my guilt is gone!"
Psalm 32:3-5
SO I CONFESSED
The sin of worry - over so many things in my life - including the house, school, and my job to name a few. This lack of trust makes me take things into my own hands rather than allowing God to work out the details. It leaves me wasted emotionally and physically wiped out.
The sin of pride - too proud to admit I need help, too proud to say no to things I need to bow out of, too proud to let people know I'm hurting physically and emotionally.
The sin of gluttony - thinking I needed a bigger house than was necessary because it had to have everything...rather than choosing the practical size that was functional, affordable, and what we now consider acceptable. Though not perfect, it will be very comfortable and beautiful (and still probably a little bit too big...)
The sin of slothfulness - spending too much time on social media trying to escape my responsibilities.
The sin of ungratefulness - being ungrateful for...the mighty hand of God and how He has worked out even the minute details of our lives, the sweetness of all the work Jon and Kenzi are putting into their house that we are renting, the ability to work from home most of the time, the support of my youngest daughter Sara who puts up with all my ridiculousness all day long, the fact that Bailey is close enough that we get to see her almost weekly, how healthy little Andrew is after his trying first few months in this world...These and so many more items are things I should be thankful for, but some I've not even acknowledged before the loving God who provided them all.
The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control."
Psalm 32:8-9
After I confessed I began to feel a little better. But then felt prompted to list out my STRESSORS. WHY I COULDN'T KEEP THINGS UNDER CONTROL...
- Being behind in school.
- Trying to figure out a house and all it entails.
- Building a new business.
- Packing up all my unnecessary things to make room for the kids.
- Massive fatigue that leaves me so tired I can't focus on writing, reading, etc.
- Overcommitted to a variety of upcoming events. (I need to prioritize but haven't.)
- Supplement changes that have caused me to feel like I may be losing my mind.
- Pain, constant stiffness and pain.
From there I was led to note all my DISTRACTIONS & PROCRASTINATORS
WHAT I USE AS MY EXCUSE TO KEEP ME FROM DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO...
- Facebook (self explanatory)
- Dishes (great excuse not to focus on other things)
- Packing (another great excuse)
- Laundry (and yet another)
- Texting (thinking it can't wait)
- Pinterest (my escape)
- Blogging (another escape)
- Shuffling (from office to front room to kitchen leading to reorganizing every time I sit down to work on either school or office stuff...)
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,
that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
For you are my hiding place;
You protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
Many sorrows come to the wicked,
but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.
Psalm 32:7 & 10
Finally, I determined the ACTION PLAN that is going to be necessary for me to be in the right frame of mind to begin trusting in Him.
HOW CAN I TURN ALL THIS OVER TO GOD...
- Make my quiet time the priority it should have been all along.
- Limit my social media time to 15 minute increments - once each morning, noon and evening for a total of NO MORE THAN 45 minutes a day.
- Sort out the house hold duties and ASK FOR HELP.
- Clear out the office and make that my PERMANENT work station (until we move).
- Map out my school - carving out as much time as possible to put towards my classes.
- Drop all extra curricular activities for the time being (for sanity sake).
These are all I came up with for the moment. I'm sure there's more to the gameplan, but this was a very healing, productive, reflective, life-infusing quiet time today! May you find peace and joy from it as well!
Oh what JOY for those whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what JOY for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
Psalm 32:1-2
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