You know those rollercoasters - the mammoth ones, where the cars slowly click...click...click their way up to the top of the first hill? Then you get up there to the top and you hold your breathe because you don't know when it's going to begin it's descent...crashing down into the curves, jostling you until you think your ribs are jumbled and streaming along at speeds so fast they take your breath away?!?! THAT was the roller coaster I was on. It started with my Dad's heart attack. We'd received news just a few days prior to that Tuesday and we were already plodding up that hill...
click...click...click...
Then Tuesday morning arrived. I was laying in bed and watching the sunrise and had to take a picture - it was SO red! And then I remembered my Fit Farmer's saying - "Red skies at night, sailors delight. Red skies in the morning, sailors take warning." I posted the picture, the saying and chuckled - then started my day. Within minutes of that post I received a text from my sister saying that Dad had a heart attack, it was bad - she would keep us posted. At first is was a stunned - my heart wasn't racing, I was processing through the implications...
click...click...click...
As the family texts continued (there are seven of us children) I saw that two of my sisters who lived out of state had already booked flights and were heading home. Still I had not responded.
click...click...click...
I couldn't wrap my head around it. This news came at a time when I was already debating on taking time to go a different direction to support another family member. My heart was completely torn. I had just returned from a 10 day vacation with my daughter's family. I had to catch up on work. I knew in my heart I could bring my computer and TRY to work from the hospital - but I also knew how little would get done. It had been 30 minutes. I needed to make a decision. I looked up flights - found one leaving about 2 hours later, I called my husband - he would pickup a suitcase packed by my daughter and deliver it to the airport for me. So I met up with my boss, dropped things off to them and bee-lined it back to the airport to check in and wait for my husband/suitcase.
click...click...click...
On the plane - the reality of what was going on hit me, but it wasn't the swoosh from the roller coaster heading down that big hill. It was that sinking heart feeling - sitting at the top of the hill waiting for the inevitable. My mind didn't want to venture into any of the possibilities that were out there so I chose to immerse myself in some word search puzzles and ignore the pain and anxiety that was welling up in my heart. I was at the top of the hill. I was holding my breath.
That roller coaster chose to sit at the top of that hill for quite some time. I didn't want it to go careening down and slam into a curve - mainly because I didn't know what that curve would be. Would he be gone by the time my plane landed?
No. My younger sister had made it in around the same time as my flight (I planned it that way) and our sister-in-love Cyndy met us at the airport and drove us to the hospital. Dad was still with us. It was hard to see him hooked up to so much machinery.
I was still holding my breath.
At the first glimpse of him I felt a shell close in on my mind and the numbness took over. That's what holding your breath for so long can do to you. We were all taking turns talking to him, encouraging him, loving him, stroking his forehead, singing Amazing Grace, holding his hand, silently pleading with him not to give up and to stay with us.
I was still holding my breath.
When it was becoming more and more apparent that my dad was a true fighter in every sense of the word - I started to let my breath out a little bit at a time. That's when that darn roller coaster began it's descent. I thought it was moving at a tolerable pace then BAM...I should book my flight home, I have responsibilities, there's nothing more I can do here...well there was but that would require quitting my job and that was out of the question. First curve came when I had to say goodbye and head for the plane. I knew there was quite the road ahead for my dad, mom and my siblings that lived locally.
That rollercoaster cruised along somewhat smoothly for a couple days when I returned to work and found upheaval there - SLAM - that curve caught me off guard. It threw me one direction - then another when I found out I would be jumping in a vehicle and driving more than 18 hours from North Dakota back to Colorado's Grand Junction area. The same day we were discussing the trip I found out my 102 year old Memere (grandmother) was going home from the hospital on hospice. It was a tumultuous ride and a tumultuous week - my bosses were great - but my brain couldn't focus on what needed to be done and I felt like I was a shell, going through the motions, unable to process what exactly was going on in my life. Would my Dad be cleared to travel? Would he get there in time to say goodbye? I looked to God...only He knew. So I prayed, desperately.
We had a productive week in junction - I was wiped out emotionally towards the end of the trip and pretty much melted down the afternoon we prepared to head back. I made it to my house around midnight Friday. Crawled into bed a heaping mess of raw emotions. So messy that I couldn't even cry another tear at that point. Then I got the call...at 5:15 eastern time my sweet Memere made her transition to her Savior's arms. Now I needed to make another decision - do I go to her funeral? Could we manage it? Could I even handle it? I wanted someone to go with me. I was done being the lone ranger, riding this rollercoaster by myself. That's when I realized the other crazy thing about rollercoasters - it feels like the world is standing still - you are shooting the curves full speed ahead and the people below you are oblivious to your screams. It's like being suspended for a moment in time. I was coasting along - full speed - in my own little world sometimes forgetting that life was continuing to go on without me.
Going to my Memere's funeral was by far the best choice I could have made. Seeing cousins I rarely saw and some I hadn't seen in thirty or more years, was precious. I believe one of Memere's dreams was to bring the family back together and she accomplished it, though she wasn't there to witness it herself. The reality that my grandmother was gone took a bit of time to sink in. I was not devastated - I knew where she was. I rejoiced in her finding peace and rest. I rejoiced that her time of being bedridden was short-lived and that the Lord had great mercy on our precious Memere. I celebrated the fact that my dad was cleared to travel and he and my mom were able to spend her last few days here on earth with her and with his brother and his wife. I was thanking God that my older sister had the flexibility to come with and stay with them - taking care of so many of the little details (like making sure they were eating and resting, sorting through things, arranging to put the house on the market, she was the perfect companion for such a time as this.) So many things to be thankful for - I was coasting along on the beauty that was my grandmother's life and that IS my family.
Picture of all the cousins together for the first time in YEARS!
Trying to get back into the groove of things has been difficult - there still seemed to be switches and unexpected turns here and there, like watching our friends lose their precious son at such a young age - how graciously they maneuvered their rollercoaster - never screaming, always trusting they were safe, and here I was emotionally undone by this event, completely and utterly helpless to know how to help them and minister to them in their time of great mourning. It was as if that rollercoaster had found another hill to climb. We all held our breath as we prayed that the Lord in his mercy would reach down from heaven and heal our buddy. Instead God chose to heal him completely and wrap him in His ever-loving, ever-lasting arms.
I am so grateful for my family and friends who have supported me through these past few months. For the walking miracle that is my Dad! For employers that offer understanding and flexibility and care about all that has been going on in my life - their support and friendship are amazing. I thank the Lord for times of refreshing that have come recently - spending a day with dear friends we haven't seen in WAY too long, the opportunity to go to training for Women's Ministries Directors (a hand-picked group of 25 of us were accepted into this three day program.) Some wonderful times of worship, prayer and fellowship with our church family and the teams I serve with. So many things God has done that make me soar without the restrictions of that blasted rollercoaster that thinks it controls my life.
I just needed those reminders, that...
God is in control
- not that rollercoaster!
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