SO LONG STATUS QUO! CAN MARRIAGES REALLY LAST??

“Cohabitation is increasingly becoming the first co-residential union formed among young adults."  This Cohabitating Study indicated that these marriages MIGHT last anywhere from 10-20 years. 

The "What's love got to do with it?" study estimates that a quarter of relationships will end within six years and 50 per cent by 25 years. 

One of the most disconcerting things for me about today's society is how commonplace it is for most relationships to take on the following progression - meet, date one or two times, have sex, move in together, get tired of each other and move out or maybe in about eight or ten years consider marriage. More alarming is how many cohabitating couples openly admit they will not marry because they're pretty sure they are not living with "the one." 

I am not here to condemn those who have chosen this lifestyle. I am really just wanting to encourage those who might be considering going against the "norm" and choose not to have sex before marriage. Those who choose not to cohabitate but may be looking for an alternative to societal status quo. 

You see, I am out to change the status quo because I too, as the case may be, did everything the way it is done today. I met my husband, at the time I was already divorced and had a child so we didn't even think waiting was necessary, we planned to move in together out of convenience (because we couldn't afford two apartments between the time I relocated to his area and the we could plan our wedding) and I justified it by getting engaged. Both of us came from families where both our parents had been together for many years and had not lived together. Both of us had grown up with religious up-bringing. Both of us had made bad decisions after high school that led to a ton of emotional baggage being brought into our marriage. My being divorced, having a child from another marriage, our living together before marriage - all were a recipe for disaster. Statistically we should have been divorced about 12 years ago - had our marriage been the "norm" we should have divorced at the 7-10 year mark and most definitely we will be divorced by our 25th Wedding Anniversary. But here's where the grace of God comes in. You see, at 5 years marriage and an additional 2 children later - were it not for the grace of God we most likely would have divorced. BUT GOD (I love when the Bible says this!) transformed my heart and my marriage and began to show us a better way! God began to place within both our hearts a desire to be committed to one another through thick and thin. He transformed our thinking to where we began to take our wedding vows seriously and began searching for something more than just cohabitation. Sounds strange since we were married and not just "cohabitating" but when you enter into a marriage from cohabitation it's hard to make the transition. Wedding vows are serious stuff but when the going gets tough they pale in the light of Hollywood standards and before we know it we're thinking we are no longer "in love" and looking for it in all the wrong places. 

As I have seriously studied what it takes to make a marriage last I have determined that my desire for my daughters would be to have them take an alternative route on the road less traveled. My heart's desire for them would be to eliminate some of those "marriage killer" statistical challenges and encourage them to go about the business of marriage from an unconventional direction. Our plan looks something like this...(Keep in mind we have all girls and this is from that perspective)

They've met someone they're are attracted to, before they get too emotionally attached or consider dating, bring him home to meet the parents. If at that time there are no red flags, then Dad and Mom will meet with the young man and discuss the Johnson family approach to "dating". Initially we request both our daughter and the young man define dating and with a clear understanding of the meaning of boundaries - create their boundaries for their relationship. If they both have mentors or strong Christian friends nearby we encourage them to set up accountability partners that will hold them to the boundaries they have implemented. (If they don't have that support network then her Dad and I become the accountability partners.) Boundaries are not unchanging - as the relationship progresses they are constantly redefined to hold the couple to their commitment of spiritual, emotional and physical purity. The intent of their dating relationship is to determine if this indeed is the person God has chosen for them to live out the rest of their lives with. 

Some questions to consider would be - Does this person assist me in deepening my relationship with Jesus Christ?  Does this person build me up? How does this person interact with my family? Are there any red flags I'm ignoring or justifying about our relationship? Is the attraction more than just physical? Do I place unrealistic expectations on this person - expectations that only Christ can fulfill? Does this person respect the boundaries in place or challenge them? Does my relationship cause me to be at odds with my family? (A great book to use during latter stages of this part of the relationship is 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged)

There is a natural progression from here - if this person is found to be their future spouse. While keeping with the boundaries, the couple moves from the point of "dating or courtship or dateship" whatever you want to call it - to becoming engaged. At this point questions asked become deeper and the focus is not just wedding planning but preparation for marriage. For the couple we recommend marriage preparation classes or going through the study Before You Say, "I Do", read the book Sacred Marriage, as well as going through a financial planning course by Dave Ramsey (Financial Peace University).

This is not the time to let boundaries and accountability slide - this is the time where the couple would "pick up their game" and keep their eye on the "finish line." On the day of their wedding they would exchange vows that they take very seriously and commit not only to love and to cherish from this day forward till death do they part but also commit not to get divorced. It's a bit of a foreign concept and maybe even superstition that would drive a couple NOT to even mention the word "divorce" on their wedding day but committing before God and family and friends to stay together forever with divorce not being an option, solidifies in a person's mind just how serious a commitment this truly is.  

But "being married" is not the end of this journey - no, it's just the beginning! It takes work to remain faithful, committed and true to the one you marry! Believe me, we've been working on this and one of the most rewarding things about marriage has been waking up every morning and being able to look at my man and realize how God has brought us together and how amazing it is that God has infused my heart with so much love for him. Since the day I allowed the Lord to come into my life and transform my heart, there has never been a time that I haven't pursued a deeper more Christ-centered marriage. Falling "out of love" is an emotionally based marriage. Loving without limits is foundation to a deeply committed, Christ-centered one. Daryl and I feel truly blessed to be in a marriage that will last "until death do us part." SO LONG STATUS QUO! :)