BY HIS WOUNDS WE ARE HEALED

INTRODUCTION
First of all it's probably time to reintroduce myself. It's been awhile. But this...is me...

 This is me about a year ago - on my AIP Diet.  This is me today - after 4 months on SAD Diet.

Admittedly, it's not a great shot and one was taken in a yellow bathroom while the other was taken in my new house. BUT...you will notice two things - my face is swollen in the picture on the right, my eyes aren't as clear and my hair is "lifeless." I am grateful that my skin tone has maintained but I have a healthier glow even though I look yellow.

I am Yuki and I have been living my autoimmune adventure for several years now but was formally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2011.  From 2013-2014 I was under the care of an amazing naturopath who encouraged me to maintain a strict diet, use supplements and detox my body. Because of his work I was basically thriving until recently when I decided to chuck it all and eat like everybody else. It started with just ONE DAY...one day of ditching the diet - Thanksgiving, then it led to two, and you I'm sure you can figure out the rest. My body began to crave sugar, to crave breads and grains, and I began to have inflammation issues, the pain in the joints and muscles began to increase from it's gentle state of 3-4 to running around 6-8. My mobility began to suffer and my energy has been non-existent. Keeping up with life has been difficult...

My refuge is my comfy bed with my heated mattress pad!!

My strength comes from one place and one place only. 

I've been working on a Jennie Allen study called Restless. This study is focusing in on the struggles of Joseph and the suffering he went through but ultimately focuses on Jesus and how He suffered and how His suffering makes Him our ultimate advocate with our God. It is He that understands all that suffering entails and relates it to His purposes for our lives. 

 As tonight's study stated, "the greatest thing you have to give to the world could be hidden in your darkest moments. What if your scars point to a greater story? Every time I want to be mad at God because of suffering (whether it is my own or someone else) he shows me JESUS.

I have known Jesus most deeply in suffering; he seems to inhabit suffering and he endured it first."

"His glory will be revealed, and those who have suffered most will be the most overjoyed."

My suffering is not anything to write home about. My suffering is very character building and God has used it to transform my heart and mind to be stayed on Him. He has used it to make me more aware of my need for His intervention, His healing, His promises, His faithfulness. He is my strength and my portion forever and it's because of Him that I have been able to come back from something so debilitating, so depleting of life, that I can sit here and type this blog post. The idea that I can even walk without being crumpled over. The idea that I can think without the fog of prescription pain killers clouding my thoughts. GOD IS GOOD. But I have fallen off the "wagon" so-to-speak. And I am struggling to get back on. Maintaining this lifestyle of Autoimmune Protocol eating and cutting out the foods that are stimulating the interstitial cystitis IS hard. It is a journey whose path I traveled once and will travel again. My next post will elaborate on those foods that I had to cut initially because of how broken-down my body was. It's an incredible testimony to a great God and His hand in my life! 

How My Search for MORE is Leading to LESS

Apparently when a person hits a certain age there is a paradigm shift in their thinking. The early years were spent living life as though one were invincible, as though a person would live forever without a care in the world. My egocentric self was consumed with finding what I wanted, what was best for me and so on. With marriage and children came the formidable years marked with raw survival techniques and massive wound licking. It seems as though we were in uncharted territory. Newly Christian and uncertain how to live it out the pendulum would swing widely conservative, then oddly permissive and after some years obtain a more stable, middle-of-the-road, less fanatical stance. Those years were lovely yet chaotic. As the daughters grew and began leaving the nest and my health began to fail in ways I'd never dreamt possible I became more introspective. What was I doing with my life? Who am I living for? Am I even making a difference? And the scope of my existence honed in on my inability to achieve a peaceful environment. As the world around grows more and more out of whack, my desire for some form of peaceful inhabitance increased.

With the advent of my health crisis came newly chartered waters that have led to my now esoteric life. Esoteric is such an amazing word that beautifully describes my current life in a nutshell, "intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest." Questions were raised - "Why are you on such a strict diet?" "What do you mean you only take supplements and not the seventeen prescribed medications from your doctors?" "How do you manage to afford eating only grass-fed beef and organic vegetation?" "You fly from North Dakota to Denver to see a Field Control Therapist (whatever that is...) so you use tinctures that look like water and detox your system how?" The list goes on. Yes my life is only understood by a small number of people and even those closest to me scratch their head but see the difference it's made in my quality of life so they support it. But with all the changes in my lifestyle, I've yet to find my "happy place". Sounds selfish I know. But truly - my search is to gain a place of respite for my family's soul while offering a place for the Lord to come in and transform our lives and use us to reach a lost and dying world with His message of hope. It's hard to do on a limited supply of energy, especially when it's all spent on cleaning my house and all it's meaningless content.

We are a consumeristic society. Believe me, I've consumed my share and more. It is a harsh reality that has slapped me in the face in the recent months. Over five years ago God began working on my heart to SIMPLIFY my life. Had I listened then, things would be much easier now. But I'm not the quick study that some people are. It takes awhile to wrap my stubborn head around new things - change may come easy but change for the positive has never been my forte. I am really good at getting stuck in ruts and I found myself close to six foot under when the realization that the way I've been living just was not working for me anymore.

Enter the Minimalist ideal. For the past two years I've been studying the theory behind minimalism, slowly exercising the principles presented. My initial reaction was to horde. Horde it all! I have a library of books that many people only dream off. I could fill the entire basement wall of a 2000 square foot ranch style home with them. There are an unending supply of tubs filled with books - glorious books. But my voracious appetite for knowledge could only be filled in a very small window of time so most of my glorious books have never been cracked. Just picked up off the shelf and stroked with wonder and awe at what might be contained within them. (This is an area I've been working on...)

Another area that clearly was an issue was my BAG habit! How did I know it was an issue? My nickname was "The Bag Lady." Clear sign there was a problem. So I thinned that area of life out and have limited myself to about 15 favorites. Still excessive but somewhat justifiable. Definitely a work in progress.

North Dakota has been a good move for my health but hard on the pocketbook. Somehow amidst the craziness of what is the Bakken a guilt that we brought our daughters into what felt like the middle of nowhere and our only escape being the big town trips to Minot or Bismarck (which were way too frequent) we fell into the horrible trap of retail therapy. We had left behind what would have been deemed the simpler life of Ohio where shopping was so convenient we took it for granted and moved to a place where shopping could only be had on weekends and a strange sense of urgency for a shopping fix consumed us for about a year and a half. It was shameful. I'm not proud of where we found ourselves but in the midst of all this I have honestly FOUND MYSELF. And in the finding I am implementing a battle plan for the new house - the new lifestyle - the newfound search for MORE that is leading to LESS.

So I'm learning the art of minimalistic living, consuming books on the topic, digesting thoughts and ideas. I have come to the conclusion that the peaceful existence I seek IS found in simplicity and have been blessed by the resources I've discovered on the topic. Currently I'm reading/studying two books that I will implement from theory to practicality as I unpack my 25 years of overwhelming cargo into my new home. Marie Kondo's book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (the Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing) and Jen Haymaker's 7 - an Experimental Mutiny Against Excess are my new arsenal against consumeristic living. I pray you will indulge me as I post about my discoveries on this journey to becoming more by living with less!

DEALING WITH INVISIBLE ILLNESS

I have an invisible illness. Actually I have a couple invisible illnesses.

The problem is when they act up we are never really sure which one it is. A week ago I landed in the ER because of a flare. I don't know if it was the Lyme's disease or if it was the fibromyalgia. All I know is that my left side of my body hurt...horribly.

When it comes to invisible illness, I don't really talk about it much. It's not that I want to ignore it, it's not that I don't want others to understand, it's more of the fact that it's simply part of my life. It's the part of my life that I don't always appreciate. It's the part of my life that I would love to be able to forget. But that's not how this works.



So when I have a flare, I try to be transparent and let people know that it's not a bed of roses over here. I try to be open and ask for prayer for strength. That strength could be literal, physical strength, because when I have a flare it usually zaps me of all strength. That strength is also emotional, mental, strength because when I have a flare and I am left with a body that doesn't want to function properly, I wrestle with those thoughts that often plague my weakened state of mind. Thoughts like I am worthless, I am a nuisance, I am a pain to those around me. Crazy thoughts, senseless thoughts, but honest things that cross the mind of one who feels like her body has betrayed her.

It takes diligence and mindfulness not to let an invisible illness define you, set your limitations and become the main preoccupation of your daily life. There are days where I think that I am never going to be normal again. Well...it's true. And I must accept that my life just isn't normal and that's okay. But to let it drag me down and leave me depressed (which it has done in the past) and leave me despondent (a place I've been in the past as well)...I just don't want to go there.

There's so much life to live still, regardless of how much pain you're in, regardless of how heavy your arms and legs feel, regardless of how fuzzy your brain may be functioning at the moment. When my eyes are on Him, I still have hope, joy and peace.

So I guess the best way I have found to deal with invisible illness is turning to the greatest balm I have found in the wake of each storm...seeking and finding rest for my soul in the Lord's gentle care. Granted, having family that understands, family that knows when they need to boss me around a bit to get me to do what I should be doing in order to heal from an episode is a huge blessing!!! I am one fortunate woman to have family that can tell when I've pushed beyond my limits and when I need to drop everything and let my body catch up with me.

It's not easy, I know this full well. But it's worth every anxious breath, every pain-filled moment of every incredibly blessed day! Maybe someday I will figure out how to share about this invisible illness stuff, but for now, I choose to share it with my Comforter.

And in case you're wondering how I'm doing...I'm better than I was a week ago. I'm still in a good deal of pain, I haven't recovered my coordination and I am dragging my body around these days, but I am functioning...and I'm still smiling! :)

When the Pain is Too Great

Pain...
There are days when this word DEFINES me. I can honestly say, and I don't use this term lightly, there are days when I hate it. Then I have to check myself and look at what is going on and remind myself to be thankful, grateful, to look to the One who makes it possible for me to deal with this pain, the one who has kept it under wraps and bearable for this long. Having the pain hit right around Easter is a humbling experience to say the least. Thinking about all He endured on my behalf, pain that I cannot even imagine, leaves me biting my tongue and rethinking my personal response to my own discomfort. That's really all it is...discomfort. I've not been maimed, beaten until unrecognizable, had a huge cross place upon my back to carry through the dirt roads and up a hill. NO, my pain is really nothing and yet it's everything. It keeps me from doing what I want to do. It keeps me from accomplishing all that I have to accomplish. It keeps me from participating in things I want to participate in. HOWEVER...it also keeps me focused on God. It also keeps me cognizant of those around me who are also suffering. It keeps me from ever thinking I can do things in my own strength. It keeps me relying on HIM!

I think the difficult part of this pain, this time, is the fact that I have had a lengthy reprieve. I have been blessed to have had nearly eight months of minimal pain, tolerable pain and some days, what felt like zero pain. It was such a blessing, I had almost forgotten just how awful the pain could be. THEN IT HIT...and I was NOT prepared for it...AT.ALL...

For a couple days I floundered in my own world filled with pity parties and an exorbitant amount of dark chocolate covered almonds. Then I began to pull myself out of my self-inflicted misery and turned my attention to the One who could make the pain go away. I dove into the Word. I searched for passages on strength and courage. I prayed them out loud and asked Him to transform me into a person who exemplifies just that - God's strength and courage. I am definitely not there yet, but God is working on me!

As the pain continues - my knees ache, my elbows have their nodules and sensitivities to touch, my arms have a constant dull ache in them and my "paw" game I played with Sadie will have to hold off because just a slight hit from one of her puppy teeth sends me reeling. There's also the gut pain - the internal organs protesting my Easter gluttony have led to internal spasms that keep me up at night. Then to add to it all I have a diverticulitis flare happening that just started today. SO, as the pain progressively worsens, I am looking to Him to be my strength!

SO...to keep me from wallowing in self pity again - feel free to leave me a note about 

something you need prayer for. I would love to spend time in prayer FOR YOU! :)