DEALING WITH INVISIBLE ILLNESS

I have an invisible illness. Actually I have a couple invisible illnesses.

The problem is when they act up we are never really sure which one it is. A week ago I landed in the ER because of a flare. I don't know if it was the Lyme's disease or if it was the fibromyalgia. All I know is that my left side of my body hurt...horribly.

When it comes to invisible illness, I don't really talk about it much. It's not that I want to ignore it, it's not that I don't want others to understand, it's more of the fact that it's simply part of my life. It's the part of my life that I don't always appreciate. It's the part of my life that I would love to be able to forget. But that's not how this works.



So when I have a flare, I try to be transparent and let people know that it's not a bed of roses over here. I try to be open and ask for prayer for strength. That strength could be literal, physical strength, because when I have a flare it usually zaps me of all strength. That strength is also emotional, mental, strength because when I have a flare and I am left with a body that doesn't want to function properly, I wrestle with those thoughts that often plague my weakened state of mind. Thoughts like I am worthless, I am a nuisance, I am a pain to those around me. Crazy thoughts, senseless thoughts, but honest things that cross the mind of one who feels like her body has betrayed her.

It takes diligence and mindfulness not to let an invisible illness define you, set your limitations and become the main preoccupation of your daily life. There are days where I think that I am never going to be normal again. Well...it's true. And I must accept that my life just isn't normal and that's okay. But to let it drag me down and leave me depressed (which it has done in the past) and leave me despondent (a place I've been in the past as well)...I just don't want to go there.

There's so much life to live still, regardless of how much pain you're in, regardless of how heavy your arms and legs feel, regardless of how fuzzy your brain may be functioning at the moment. When my eyes are on Him, I still have hope, joy and peace.

So I guess the best way I have found to deal with invisible illness is turning to the greatest balm I have found in the wake of each storm...seeking and finding rest for my soul in the Lord's gentle care. Granted, having family that understands, family that knows when they need to boss me around a bit to get me to do what I should be doing in order to heal from an episode is a huge blessing!!! I am one fortunate woman to have family that can tell when I've pushed beyond my limits and when I need to drop everything and let my body catch up with me.

It's not easy, I know this full well. But it's worth every anxious breath, every pain-filled moment of every incredibly blessed day! Maybe someday I will figure out how to share about this invisible illness stuff, but for now, I choose to share it with my Comforter.

And in case you're wondering how I'm doing...I'm better than I was a week ago. I'm still in a good deal of pain, I haven't recovered my coordination and I am dragging my body around these days, but I am functioning...and I'm still smiling! :)

When the Pain is Too Great

Pain...
There are days when this word DEFINES me. I can honestly say, and I don't use this term lightly, there are days when I hate it. Then I have to check myself and look at what is going on and remind myself to be thankful, grateful, to look to the One who makes it possible for me to deal with this pain, the one who has kept it under wraps and bearable for this long. Having the pain hit right around Easter is a humbling experience to say the least. Thinking about all He endured on my behalf, pain that I cannot even imagine, leaves me biting my tongue and rethinking my personal response to my own discomfort. That's really all it is...discomfort. I've not been maimed, beaten until unrecognizable, had a huge cross place upon my back to carry through the dirt roads and up a hill. NO, my pain is really nothing and yet it's everything. It keeps me from doing what I want to do. It keeps me from accomplishing all that I have to accomplish. It keeps me from participating in things I want to participate in. HOWEVER...it also keeps me focused on God. It also keeps me cognizant of those around me who are also suffering. It keeps me from ever thinking I can do things in my own strength. It keeps me relying on HIM!

I think the difficult part of this pain, this time, is the fact that I have had a lengthy reprieve. I have been blessed to have had nearly eight months of minimal pain, tolerable pain and some days, what felt like zero pain. It was such a blessing, I had almost forgotten just how awful the pain could be. THEN IT HIT...and I was NOT prepared for it...AT.ALL...

For a couple days I floundered in my own world filled with pity parties and an exorbitant amount of dark chocolate covered almonds. Then I began to pull myself out of my self-inflicted misery and turned my attention to the One who could make the pain go away. I dove into the Word. I searched for passages on strength and courage. I prayed them out loud and asked Him to transform me into a person who exemplifies just that - God's strength and courage. I am definitely not there yet, but God is working on me!

As the pain continues - my knees ache, my elbows have their nodules and sensitivities to touch, my arms have a constant dull ache in them and my "paw" game I played with Sadie will have to hold off because just a slight hit from one of her puppy teeth sends me reeling. There's also the gut pain - the internal organs protesting my Easter gluttony have led to internal spasms that keep me up at night. Then to add to it all I have a diverticulitis flare happening that just started today. SO, as the pain progressively worsens, I am looking to Him to be my strength!

SO...to keep me from wallowing in self pity again - feel free to leave me a note about 

something you need prayer for. I would love to spend time in prayer FOR YOU! :)