STICKER SHOCK - when the home of your dreams becomes a nightmare

I am EXHAUSTED!
More than that I am so over this house thing! Not really, but I would love to be.

A week ago today we found out that the BUILDER (not our broker/designer Kopper Creek) but the builder - Magnolia Homes - had to file bankruptcy. Because Kopper Creek holds to the practices of Colorado real estate, our money was in an escrow account waiting to be issued to Magnolia Homes once they got the full house plans to them. But that never happened. Through a series of God-ordained events, money never changed hands and all is well with the Johnsons. Well...sort of.

I believe God has a reason for everything. Things don't happen by chance, they're ordained of a loving God. SO...with that in mind, I've been pondering, "Why God?" And in His silence we have been way too active. Actively trying to find another builder. Actively cutting this and that and the other to make the house more affordable Actively trying to be good stewards but totally forgetting to seek the Provider's face. We scrambled. We traveled. We had meeting after meeting. And with each meeting a little more of me seemed to die. Because with each meeting prices increased. With each meeting the timeframe we desired came and went. Without a decision last week - our last hopes of having a home before our daughter's wedding were crushed

So WHY would God allow this to happen?

You would think that we would have diligently pursued this question for a clear answer. Maybe we figured God couldn't handle it? Maybe we figured we had to take matters into our own hands to get this thing done because obviously it didn't happen the first time around.

However, through all the struggles, the pain, the terror (yes, I've been that emotional about this whole thing) we left the out the Key component. So when the day came for our decision (that was yesterday) and we had nothing from the housing company, we figured we needed to dig deep and see what was going on...WITH US and WITH GOD.

That's when it hit me personally that we were willing to sacrifice a lot in our later years in life (yes, I am acknowledging I'm getting old!) We were willing to pour body, soul and spirit into this house that would cause us to have to work for another 30 years. I am going to be 50 next year. I DO NOT PLAN TO WORK UNTIL I AM 80. Lord willing, I will retire in my 60's and spend the rest of my days on this earth loving on our grandchildren and serving the Lord fully and completely with my husband alongside!

Since our decision-making didn't have to happen yesterday, I got up early to spend some time with the Lord and ask Him what was going on. I couldn't find my Bible bag...anywhere in the house. I was not going to let that stop me...I grabbed my NASB off the shelf and flipped it open and started reading. I ended up in 1 Chronicles. I was surprised but figured I would see what God had for me. There in the passage that I'd highlighted years back were words that now have a whole new meaning. David was wanting to build a temple because the arc of the covenant had traveled with the people for many years and David and the people had settled down and built permanent structures, yet the arc remained in a tent. The prophet Nathan had to tell David NOT to build the house for the Lord. But God promised that David's people would go on to be great and that He would watch over them and that one of the lineage of David would find God's favor and build the house of the Lord. I know that there's something to be said for taking things out of context, but really - the Lord led me to a passage about building a "house" and this verse struck me...

For you, O my God, have revealed to your servant that you will build for him a house; therefore your servant has found courage to pray before you. 1 Chronicles 17:25

That's when it hit me. I have not had the COURAGE to PRAY before God other than to ask His blessings on OUR project. This project that has gone from the home of our dreams to a total nightmare. It was time to do some REAL soul searching, some REAL praying, some REAL listening.

So, I put down my Bible, set aside my journal and I did just that. I went before the Lord and prayed. And my heart felt His gentle prodding and the words of my wise brother came back to me about a smaller dwelling place, and my hearts desire for a place of refuge and peace resurfaced, a home where Daryl and I could be happy and a house that would not bankrupt us -- the irony! OH the IRONY!

As I take a closer look at the house plans, the foundation work, the shop, the cement work, the well, the septic, the basement, the interior perks, the size...THE SIZE of the undertaking - I am stunned by the realization that we almost moved forward with this project. God, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, has allowed us to take some time, analyze everything, consider what we truly need and remember that the house is just for the two of us, not our children who are all grown; not our parents - even though we would love to house them and if the time came and that were necessary we would make the adjustments needed. NO, this house simply needs to hold two people. It doesn't require a lot of square footage. We've lived in homes with four children where we had an average of 100 square foot per person and made it work!

This place and its beauty should be considered 

and whatever we can do to recreate a homestead here, 

we need to do it thoughtfully.

I think the hardest part about letting this place go is the hours we put into it, pouring over the plans, tweaking things to make them work for us, dreaming, believing that this was the PERFECT house and may it is, just more than likely not for us. So I'm laying my house before the Lord. I am giving it over to Him. I am trusting and praying He will allow Daryl and I to find agreement in the home we are to build. That we would not shy away from the work required to start from scratch, if that is what we need to do in order to honor God.

Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised! The Lord made the heavens. Splendor and glory are before Him,     strength and joy are in His place.  

 1 Chronicles 16:25-26

FIVE STEPS TO AFFAIR PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE - from Work Place Romance

I was a stay at home mom for 8 years when I returned to the workplace. I was fortunate to return to a solid Christian environment where, for the most part, people respected boundaries and encouraged one another on to living in ways that honored God. There were never any inappropriate innuendoes exchanged among male co-workers and I honestly never had to keep my guard up. That was pretty much life in what we called "the bubble". Reality set in when we moved and the bubble was burst. Not only were we challenged by "coarse jesting" and foul language (seriously every four letter word in the book and some I never knew existed) but we, my daughters and I, were subjected to the uncanny world of men in the bakken. A world where men out numbered the women and were living like they were one big fraternity! Frat parties every night. Wild shenanigans going on weekly. Why wait for the weekend when you can party now!

Being a bit older, I have always viewed my positions with various companies in the bakken as more of a "den mother" type of job. Although my first boss was the same age as my husband, he looked and acted more like he was 20. I was often irritated by the men we employed and their blatant oogling of the women in our office (who just so happened to be my daughters.) It was during this initial job that I realized the need to develop my position in the area of professionalism, workplace boundaries, etc. It started initially with having to create a no-profanity zone. YEP! Some steps to affair proofing your marriage in the workplace can be simply put...

NO CUSSING

NO FLIRTING

NO BASHING

NO TEXTING

NO BOUNDARY CROSSING

1) NO CUSSING - WATCH YOUR WORDS.

Not only did I establish a no-profanity zone. I watched how I spoke with those around me. Words have a profound impact and will determine whether the other person will respect you and your position or lump you in as "one of the guys." In a place where cursing flows like a river - it's almost expected, however, it's refreshing when someone can hold a conversation where every other word doesn't start with F. I found that one person can set that tone in an office. There were many occasions where one guy would slip and four would apologize to me for it. It's much like the difference between a woman and a lady. I much prefer being treated LIKE A LADY. 

2) NO FLIRTING - WATCH YOUR INNUENDO.

Body language, actions, eye contact...all these send messages. You can be confusing when you are too playful. What you may dub as teasing, may be misconstrued by others and you really need to watch that. There are ways to joke and tease but it should never be at the expense of another person's reputation or integrity. It should always be kept on a professional level, not personal. When you cross the personal boundaries you may be interpreted as giving a green light. Guys aren't always on the prowl but conquest is high in their manly genes - so when you flirt, you are opening up a quest for the guy to simply see how far he can get with this verbal jousting. If there's any chemistry at all SHUT IT DOWN!

3) NO BASHING - WATCH YOUR RESPECTFULNESS.

Bashing comes in many forms - whether it's bashing co-workers, bosses or spouses, it should never happen. It starts with how you speak about your husband and can have a huge impact on how the guys around you respond. If you speak respectfully of your husband, they will respect you AND your marriage in return. Men desire respect and a woman who respects her husband seems rare at times. Don't join in on the office gossip and bash your employer or other employees - this is blatantly unprofessional! More than that, don't air your dirty laundry or discontent at home, you are opening yourself up for more than you bargain for and what you may get will only be heartache and pain. There are guys out there who are more than willing to make you feel special and lure you in, but they aren't there for the long haul - they are there once again for the quest. Once they have you, they typically dump you and leave you holding the shattered pieces of your broken heart and your broken marriage. Rather than air your disgruntled-ness PRAY ABOUT IT.

4) NO TEXTING - WATCH YOUR AFTER HOURS INTERACTIONS

Texting is becoming more commonplace at work. It's something that facilitates communication - or does it? Sometimes a text may be misconstrued and you must really watch what you say and how personal you get with them. There's less of a filter when texting so we are less inhibited by the constraints of the office. I've been on the receiving end of some declarations of great interest in a more intimate relationship via text. My responses were repetitive declarations of how happily married and unavailable I am. Along with that I shared these texts with my husband so that he knew there was nothing going on and never doubted my faithfulness to him. Once again, if texting goes anything beyond professionalism SHUT IT DOWN - switch to email only and keep it business oriented.

5) NO BOUNDARY CROSSING - WATCH YOUR PERSONAL SPACE

When I switched jobs and found myself the only woman working for a trucking company of 65 drivers, I had to up my game. I had to carry myself a certain way and prove that I took my job seriously and wasn't there for any sort of hook-up. I established boundaries early on. When one of the guys wanted to speak with me I made sure that there was always a desk between us. When we were at the occasional office social I still maintained space. I was set apart but not aloof. I hope this makes sense. I had to establish the boundaries to protect the integrity of my job and my marriage. If touch was ever involved it was a solid handshake. I never put a hand on someone's shoulder or arm. If someone tutored me at my computer, I would move out of my chair, let them have it, then stand behind them and observe - I never had them lean over me. Hugs when exchanged (this was rare) would be side hugs, never full on frontal hugs. And if we had to travel in a vehicle I always tried to have a third party with, never just myself and another man. If I did end up in that situation, I would usually call my husband and chat for a minute or two and let him know what was up. I live in a small town - gossip flows as abundantly as the four letter words here - it takes dedication and discernment to REMAIN ABOVE REPROACH. 

When spring hit at the trucking company there was a new issue that arose. I was no longer encumbered with lots of sweaters and long underwear (yes I wore this every day!) As I began to shed the layers for lighter clothing it felt like my office door became a revolving door. I am not saying I'm a knock out by any means, but I am saying that what figure I have was showing a little more and it seemed like all of a sudden they remembered I was female?? Anyway, as guys seemed to make up reasons to come sit and chat with me, I began to feel uncomfortable enough that I switched up my office, transforming it into a Johnson family monument. I had pictures hanging everywhere of my husband and I together with our family and grandchildren shots galore. THEN I began scrutinizing my clothing. I enjoy looking professional and dressing well, but as I was attaining unwanted attention, I figured I was doing something wrong. So, rather than dress "cute", I chose to impose a work place uniform look for myself. I began wearing company logo wear - polo shirts, button downs and zip up jackets. It was a good reminder for myself and others that I was a professional, there to do my job. I suppose this was a sixth point but didn't know how to label it. :)

Your greatest armor in the workplace is GOD. Making the time to renew your mind daily, to read the Word and sharpen your sword can prepare you for battle. I'm not saying all workplaces are a battlefield - life really is our battlefield, but keeping your guard up will help maintain integrity, purity and respect, all of which are important in any setting. These boundaries not only apply at work, but at church and in your circle of friends. 

For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. 

He is a shield to those who walk in integrity.

He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.

Psalm 2:6-8

I AM NOT ALONE

When you take your marriage vows you never think beyond the moment. At that moment the vast percentage of brides and grooms are typically young, vibrant and healthy. Time goes by and things are going well, then LIFE happens.

Trials and tribulations are all part of life. It's naive for anyone to think otherwise. Those who joke about living a charmed life, be sure to count those as blessings and shore yourself up for the rough roads that may be ahead. Because when disaster or difficulties strike...it takes a formidable spirit to maneuver through and committed love to keep a couple together.

When I became sick one of the fears that would wash over me during times of feeling extremely useless would be the thought that my amazing husband might leave me. That he might not be able to deal with my "new normal". Anyone who knows my man, knows the fear was unfounded, but in my state, at that time, it was very real to me.

There are still times even now where I am extremely irritated and insecure with my state of being. Thats right - state of being, because the idea of doing ANYTHING is overwhelming when an episode strikes and leaves me flattened for days. Guilt, stress, and all sorts of crazy thoughts prevail. It's hard to explain the desperation and the helplessness, a person feels they're suffocating in when something debilitating has it's grip on you. And I don't share this just from my physical health standpoint. I share this from the times where depression gripped my soul and threatened to darken my days forever. I despaired then as much as I have with my physical disease.

I share this because my days of late have been bogged down with fits of desperation, irrationality and grief. With this new episode that threatens to suck me into its warped reality, I have to wage a daily war to pull myself out and get to work. I've failed miserably. I haven't done any school work for five weeks now. I'm behind. With each passing 24 hours that I fail to take a step and do something I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper and yet, I also feel like I don't know how to pull myself out of it this time.

So today, as life happened and I broke up three dog fights, shuffled papers from one side of the desk to another, pulled out my school articles for my composition class and then thrust them back into the computer bag, and instead, I decided to share my deep dark secret world I'm living in. ONLY IT'S NOT SO DARK ANYMORE...Because as I share a little more light creeps in. A little more weight is lifted. As I share I realize that I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS. There are others out there dealing with all that life has thrown at them, just as I am, and making strides towards healing or dealing...

I AM NOT ALONE - because my husband hasn't left me, he has stuck by me, he is always encouraging me and even when I am hyper-sensitive and bite his head off for no reason (like I did yesterday, sorry babes) he walks away with forgiveness in his heart and never holds anything against me. He's my super hero. Same goes for my girls - who are always quick to encourage and love. I have friends who reach out and pray for me as well. Family who check in, some almost daily. I AM NOT ALONE.

Though the enemy would love for me to believe I AM alone...I am now seeing that I am not!
It's time for me to fight back and start taking steps to move forward.
I apologize if this post depresses anybody.
The struggle is REAL and HARD and sometimes it helps to be open and honest -
and for me at this moment it's helped me refocus -
reminded me that it can be done and I can succeed -
by His grace and for His glory!

That's been my motto for years
I just forgot!

SO...HERE I GO...

WRITTEN ABOUT 4 DAYS AGO...

Just an update. Somehow, writing this helped me to move forward. I hadn't planned to share it, but hope this might encourage someone along the way.

God bless you all!

When the Pain is Too Great

Pain...
There are days when this word DEFINES me. I can honestly say, and I don't use this term lightly, there are days when I hate it. Then I have to check myself and look at what is going on and remind myself to be thankful, grateful, to look to the One who makes it possible for me to deal with this pain, the one who has kept it under wraps and bearable for this long. Having the pain hit right around Easter is a humbling experience to say the least. Thinking about all He endured on my behalf, pain that I cannot even imagine, leaves me biting my tongue and rethinking my personal response to my own discomfort. That's really all it is...discomfort. I've not been maimed, beaten until unrecognizable, had a huge cross place upon my back to carry through the dirt roads and up a hill. NO, my pain is really nothing and yet it's everything. It keeps me from doing what I want to do. It keeps me from accomplishing all that I have to accomplish. It keeps me from participating in things I want to participate in. HOWEVER...it also keeps me focused on God. It also keeps me cognizant of those around me who are also suffering. It keeps me from ever thinking I can do things in my own strength. It keeps me relying on HIM!

I think the difficult part of this pain, this time, is the fact that I have had a lengthy reprieve. I have been blessed to have had nearly eight months of minimal pain, tolerable pain and some days, what felt like zero pain. It was such a blessing, I had almost forgotten just how awful the pain could be. THEN IT HIT...and I was NOT prepared for it...AT.ALL...

For a couple days I floundered in my own world filled with pity parties and an exorbitant amount of dark chocolate covered almonds. Then I began to pull myself out of my self-inflicted misery and turned my attention to the One who could make the pain go away. I dove into the Word. I searched for passages on strength and courage. I prayed them out loud and asked Him to transform me into a person who exemplifies just that - God's strength and courage. I am definitely not there yet, but God is working on me!

As the pain continues - my knees ache, my elbows have their nodules and sensitivities to touch, my arms have a constant dull ache in them and my "paw" game I played with Sadie will have to hold off because just a slight hit from one of her puppy teeth sends me reeling. There's also the gut pain - the internal organs protesting my Easter gluttony have led to internal spasms that keep me up at night. Then to add to it all I have a diverticulitis flare happening that just started today. SO, as the pain progressively worsens, I am looking to Him to be my strength!

SO...to keep me from wallowing in self pity again - feel free to leave me a note about 

something you need prayer for. I would love to spend time in prayer FOR YOU! :)

BEING A CHRISTIAN

Being a Christian is not appearances
Being a Christian is not religious
Being a Christian is not going to church on Sunday
Being a Christian is not living out a set of rules
Being a Christian does not make you a martyr
Being a Christian is not living in bondage
Being a Christian is not .... the world
Being a Christian does not give you the right to judge...anybody.

Being a Christian is having a heart of compassion.
Being a Christian is seeing those around you with the eyes of Christ.
Being a Christian is being a shining example of Christ to humanity.
Being a Christian is living your life as He has taught you to live it.
Being a Christian is remembering you're a sinner saved by grace.
Being a Christian is knowing and admitting you make mistakes.
Being a Christian is extending forgiveness for even the most heinous of crimes against you.
Being a Christian is living in freedom.
Being a Christian fuels your heart with a burning passion for the injustices of this world.
Being a Christian is not easy but it's worth it!

COLLEGE BOUND!

I can't believe this...it blows my mind every time I think of it. I graduated from high school THIRTY years ago!?!?! That sounds like an eternity...okay maybe that's a bit overly dramatic. But it is a LLOOONNGG time.

So, I start college classes next week...NEXT WEEK!!!!
Am I a little apprehensive? A LITTLE?!?! heck yeah!
But the crazy thing is I'm bursting with anticipation as well!!! I know, I can't believe it! I don't understand where this enthusiasm is coming from!

I can't wait to jump in and I will have to jump in with both feet! I scheduled to start one month early because I want to do their fast start program. This means I will finish my first class within the first 30 days. Well, actually I will finish it within the first 22 days because I want to have it completed and take the next 2 weeks off to enjoy visiting Bethany and Brandon and their precious family - and holding my sweet new grandson!!! I don't want school looming over me. I want to know that I have accomplished my first task and my next one can start when I get home.

I know this probably sounds foreign to most college bound people. My program is an accelerated competency based program with Western Governors University. You take one class at a time. As you complete the assignments and prove your competency you move on to the next class. I think it's the perfect set up for someone who's employed full time. My goal is to complete the program in 30 months. In 2 1/2 years I would have my bachelors and if I get the hang to this program, I may even work on my masters and try to complete that in 6 months to a year. Ambitious? I hope so, because for some reason the Lord has laid it on my heart to do this and made it possible (I passed the entrance exams...after being out of school for 30 years...) and my employer is assisting with the tuition.

AND...what better way to start off my program than a 30th Class Reunion?! I'm stoked! I have a great weekend ahead of me and then I'm hitting the books! SO...I may not emerge very often and when I do it may sound a bit like gibberish...or too much like academia. Not that it's a bad thing, just saying I have no clue which direction I am going to go with this learning thing. My desire is to learn and dig and research and ask questions and learn more...well you get the picture.

If you were thinking it but afraid to ask - it seems that empty nest has led me to fly the coop - or maybe I'm just nesting into my little realm and preparing for the long season of learning. Here's a shot of my little "coop". It's coming along well and I have a few more touches to add but I believe it will do nicely! Trying to keep it SIMPLE and COMFORTABLE!

IT'S A NEW DAY!

It's been a year...or two...okay probably more like four or five! Things have not been easy, but in the midst of the crazy, there has been so much joy, so much to celebrate.

First of all...when I became sick back in 2009 and things became progressively worse, I thought it was going to be my "new normal" and that there was little hope for a return to who I was. But God had other plans and here I am in North Dakota, living on the res, working full time, singing on praise team, watching my girls become adults, loving my man and starting the journey towards a bachelors degree. YEAH...I must be crazy! People are looking at me and thinking - "that girl couldn't even swim in the wading pool and now she done jumped into the deep end!" Maybe...but I'm living life! I'm loving life! And I'm about to be learning life at a whole new level!! :)

Really, for all that "should" be in the eyes of the beholder - my life has taken a glorious detour! I never dreamed I'd be here. BUT I AM! I never thought I'd be full of energy and life again. IT'S HAPPENED and I'm so grateful to my Savior for He saw fit to take my health challenges and pain and turn them around. It's in the little things that we see the progress...

I can get up and sing a full set for praise and worship and not be shaking and quivering at the end.
I can walk the mall at a normal pace and do a full round of grocery shopping and still have energy left when I get home.
I can drive to and from Minot without being thoroughly exhausted.
I directed VBS this summer and didn't crash - physically or emotionally.
I can work a 12 hour day and still get up the next morning and do it again.
I can go for a brisk walk and maintain the same speed on the way back up the hill to our house.
I can help my husband with the massive undertaking of our jam packed garage and at the end of the day we have filled the back end of his pickup with junk and had a stall that fit a vehicle!

This is a huge change from the girl who could only rise from the couch and shuffle to the bathroom and back before she had to rest.
This is a huge change from the hunched over, stiff jointed, locked muscle, lump infested person who couldn't accept help from anybody because they couldn't touch her without sending shockwaves of pain through her entire body.
This is a huge change from the muddled, fog-brained female, whose only relief from life and pain and emotions was to mindlessly play bejeweled for hours on end. No judging - I actually believe that keeping my mind occupied and doing something was better than having it idle and I mean I DID score in the 500,000's back then. I can't even repeat that now and don't even have the patience to sit through one game. I will say however, that Pinterest was my other escape and that one is still a bit of an addiction I'm working on breaking.

SO I'm living. God is good!
I'm loving so much more than I ever dreamed. Loving nature, loving family, loving my man more deeply than I could have imagined, loving God more fully.
And I am excited for the challenge of learning so much more. Broadening who I am. Obtaining a bachelors degree and who knows...once I have that I qualify for SEMINARY!!!! Now there's a dream I would love to accomplish!

If you are struggling. If you've drawn the short straw and have to deal with things most people never even think about. Be encouraged. God is there. He was with me when I was mindlessly passing the time on the couch. He was with me when I was angry at all that was going on and the lack of diagnosis. He has been with me through all of this, carried my family through so much more than what I was going through, and He brought so many supporters and encouragers - I know I am truly blessed. I pray you too would have the same support and encouragement. That you too would feel His presence in the midst of your pain. That you too would know that He loves you with a deep abiding love that can penetrate even the worst of pain or the most wretched of circumstances.

"We know that God who raise the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God's grace reaches more and more people there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. That is why we never give up! Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day! For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:14-18

Rest in this truth. God's grace reaches more and more people through our testimonies. NEVER GIVE UP! YES...our bodies are dying, but our SPIRITS are being RENEWED EVERY DAY! I know the troubles don't feel small, but when we look at them in light of all Jesus suffered on our behalf, they become bearable. Endure the hardship and be a light for those who do not see and cause them to ask you how in the world you still smile!