FOR THOSE WHO MOURN

There's a lot going on in the world. Everyday there are lives lost. We see them, we think of them, we are sorry for them, but for the most part, we don't feel them. Until it's close to home.

I'm at that age now where we're watching the home-going of many friends parents and grandparents. I am keenly aware of the flood of emotions that the grief of this separation brings. I've experienced grief at it's depths. I never knew how deeply it penetrated until I found myself in the midst of it. I believe God allowed this experience that I may know and understand others pain and be compassionate towards them. But with this understanding comes the thought of - why would God want us to experience such a depth of grief as this?

Our Creator is a passionate, emotional God. He's not some gavel wielding judge sitting up there in heaven looking down on his creation without thought of all we're going through. Even his Son who walked the earth, took on the form of man (emotions and all) felt deeply, was moved to compassion, grieved so passionately he sweat blood. God weeps for his children. He knows our pain. We were created in HIS image. So, I believe it's natural that we should possess the same emotional infrastructure that our Lord has. He longs for us to love deeply, to have compassion on his creation, to desire to be in relationship - without all this emotional circuitry we would not have a desire for relationship with HIM. Though it comes with a price, it is a bittersweet reminder of all that we have.

Without those emotional bonds we would not miss those we love, we would not even love them. We would simply exist and walk through life numb to all it's beauty and grace.

Today a friend lost his wife suddenly, a heart attack. They are both extremely hard working, honest, good people. They worked hard for everything they have. They love their children and provide so much for them and want to see them succeed in life. They have sacrificed so much for their family. But today, his world has been turned upside-down. Today, he knows grief as he's never experienced before. Today, just months from retirement, his best friend is gone. It reminds me of Ecclesiastes where it talks of meaningless pursuits in chapters 1 and 2. In chapter 4 he talks about the advantages of companionship.

  "Two people are better off than one, 

for they can help each other succeed."

(Ecclesiastes 4:9)

 This epitomizes this couple. They were a formidable pair - each one encouraging the other on to success. "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer." They have done this. They have conquered much in their lifetime. Their children are their legacy. But without emotional attachment, this never would have been possible.

So through all of this I am reminded that everything has a season. We are all in various seasons of life - we all have responsibilities specific to that season we're in. There really are no shortcuts in life - and if there were, we would miss out on the richness of the journey!

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance..." Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

My friend may have lost his love, but the legacy they have built throughout their life still stands. Their children will gather round him and mourn with him and they will share stories of how she lived life to the full, how she loved greatly, how she worked hard. They will know that for all the seasons she journeyed, she gave everything she had. It doesn't ease the pain of separation, the suddenness of the loss, but a life well lived is a blessing at these times - for the fullness and joy of their passion for living prevails in the hearts of those they loved.

For those who mourn - it becomes an ebb and flow. Our society does not allow for grieving. It's sad. The Jewish people have a better grasp on mourning - knowing that it must take place in community or the person may be sucked down into the depths of their despair. They have a plan - they allow the person to grieve deeply and quietly alone - for a little while. Then the family and community share in the grief and gather round them. They walk through this initial time of grieving for an entire year. They know that this is the hardest time for them. They see to it that the grieving one is encouraged to engage in life again over time. It's not required of them to participate in all things and they don't expect them to always be smiling and act as if everything is okay - however, they are supported and encouraged to share their struggles and not seclude themselves.

There are things that remind me of the one I loved and lost. There are times I struggle through the memories and tears will occasionally sneak out and other times I cry me a river - literally. I can't make it stop and in some ways I don't want to. I just need it to wash over my soul and renew me. There is strength in those tears, strength to keep moving forward, strength to keep living - so don't make someone grieving stop crying. Give them your shoulder instead. Grab some tissues and join them. Hold their hand and quietly sit with them and let them refresh their soul.

THROW OFF THE OLD SELF...

How many times have I read this passage...

"Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life..." Ephesians 4:22

Every time I read it I'm like - YEA! That's right, I did that - 20+ years ago! Right on!

Today when I read it - I realized I've been THROWING OFF my old self on a regular basis since I turned my life over to my Savior!

How is it that whenever I read this I always think back to the day I turned my life over and relinquished all control (or imagined control)  and gave it into the hands of my Savior?

Why is it that I tend to think of all the awful blatantly sinful things I USED to do - like lying, cheating, stealing...you name it!

But TODAY I am looking at this verse and what comes to mind is all the times pride has tainted my understanding of this particular verse.

Why YES! I HAVE thrown off my old sinful nature - but...there have been times where I've had AHA! life transforming moments where more subtle forms of sin have crept back in and I am needing to "clean house".

So for me to think this old nature and former way of life thing is a one-time deal is ignorance on my part.

Because unless I am HOLDING UNSWERVINGLY to the hope I profess and solidly fixing my eyes on Him, casting all cares of this world aside for something greater, something unseen...well...I will struggle with the flesh!

If you're living for Jesus...striving to do His kingdom work...then you will understand just how fierce the battle truly is. It doesn't get easier the more focused on God you are, but in that devotion, in that discipline you'll find the strength to stand!

That is why we must be ready and willing to throw off that old sinful nature at ALL times - to relinquish our former way of life - you see, as we are sanctified through Christ on our earthly journey we are transformed. Our minds are renewed and our former ways challenged to develop into the image of Christ. So even in my renewed state as a young Christian, each year of growth, each step of the journey, I learn more and more of who Jesus is and what living with Him at the center of my life actually entails.

With each growth spurt comes the opportunity to release the "former way" (the old me that didn't understand a concept of Christian living, but now I do).

My thinking is skewed by my past and what I may envision this Christian walk to be may not always be Biblically sound and I must diligently persist in the pursuit of a transformed mind that continues to be molded and shaped more and more into the mind of Christ.

In this life we will never know the depth of who God is but we must always be searching for more of Him on a moment by moment basis. A more intimate knowledge of Him awaits each of us.

And we should always be ready and willing to throw off the old sinful nature and former way of life!

"Awake O sleeper, raise up from the dead and Christ will give you light.

So be careful how you live. Don't live like fools,

but like those who are wise. 

Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days.

Don't act thoughtlessly, but 

Understand what the Lord wants you to do..."

Ephesians 5:14-17

"For you died to this life and your real life is

hidden with Christ in God!"

Colossians 3:3

"Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do,

because you are his dear children.

Live a life filled with love,

following the example of Christ.

He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us,

a pleasing aroma to God."

Ephesians 5:1-2

So what part of your sinful nature are you needing to throw off today?? 

No need to comment - just take it before the Lord.

How My Search for MORE is Leading to LESS

Apparently when a person hits a certain age there is a paradigm shift in their thinking. The early years were spent living life as though one were invincible, as though a person would live forever without a care in the world. My egocentric self was consumed with finding what I wanted, what was best for me and so on. With marriage and children came the formidable years marked with raw survival techniques and massive wound licking. It seems as though we were in uncharted territory. Newly Christian and uncertain how to live it out the pendulum would swing widely conservative, then oddly permissive and after some years obtain a more stable, middle-of-the-road, less fanatical stance. Those years were lovely yet chaotic. As the daughters grew and began leaving the nest and my health began to fail in ways I'd never dreamt possible I became more introspective. What was I doing with my life? Who am I living for? Am I even making a difference? And the scope of my existence honed in on my inability to achieve a peaceful environment. As the world around grows more and more out of whack, my desire for some form of peaceful inhabitance increased.

With the advent of my health crisis came newly chartered waters that have led to my now esoteric life. Esoteric is such an amazing word that beautifully describes my current life in a nutshell, "intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest." Questions were raised - "Why are you on such a strict diet?" "What do you mean you only take supplements and not the seventeen prescribed medications from your doctors?" "How do you manage to afford eating only grass-fed beef and organic vegetation?" "You fly from North Dakota to Denver to see a Field Control Therapist (whatever that is...) so you use tinctures that look like water and detox your system how?" The list goes on. Yes my life is only understood by a small number of people and even those closest to me scratch their head but see the difference it's made in my quality of life so they support it. But with all the changes in my lifestyle, I've yet to find my "happy place". Sounds selfish I know. But truly - my search is to gain a place of respite for my family's soul while offering a place for the Lord to come in and transform our lives and use us to reach a lost and dying world with His message of hope. It's hard to do on a limited supply of energy, especially when it's all spent on cleaning my house and all it's meaningless content.

We are a consumeristic society. Believe me, I've consumed my share and more. It is a harsh reality that has slapped me in the face in the recent months. Over five years ago God began working on my heart to SIMPLIFY my life. Had I listened then, things would be much easier now. But I'm not the quick study that some people are. It takes awhile to wrap my stubborn head around new things - change may come easy but change for the positive has never been my forte. I am really good at getting stuck in ruts and I found myself close to six foot under when the realization that the way I've been living just was not working for me anymore.

Enter the Minimalist ideal. For the past two years I've been studying the theory behind minimalism, slowly exercising the principles presented. My initial reaction was to horde. Horde it all! I have a library of books that many people only dream off. I could fill the entire basement wall of a 2000 square foot ranch style home with them. There are an unending supply of tubs filled with books - glorious books. But my voracious appetite for knowledge could only be filled in a very small window of time so most of my glorious books have never been cracked. Just picked up off the shelf and stroked with wonder and awe at what might be contained within them. (This is an area I've been working on...)

Another area that clearly was an issue was my BAG habit! How did I know it was an issue? My nickname was "The Bag Lady." Clear sign there was a problem. So I thinned that area of life out and have limited myself to about 15 favorites. Still excessive but somewhat justifiable. Definitely a work in progress.

North Dakota has been a good move for my health but hard on the pocketbook. Somehow amidst the craziness of what is the Bakken a guilt that we brought our daughters into what felt like the middle of nowhere and our only escape being the big town trips to Minot or Bismarck (which were way too frequent) we fell into the horrible trap of retail therapy. We had left behind what would have been deemed the simpler life of Ohio where shopping was so convenient we took it for granted and moved to a place where shopping could only be had on weekends and a strange sense of urgency for a shopping fix consumed us for about a year and a half. It was shameful. I'm not proud of where we found ourselves but in the midst of all this I have honestly FOUND MYSELF. And in the finding I am implementing a battle plan for the new house - the new lifestyle - the newfound search for MORE that is leading to LESS.

So I'm learning the art of minimalistic living, consuming books on the topic, digesting thoughts and ideas. I have come to the conclusion that the peaceful existence I seek IS found in simplicity and have been blessed by the resources I've discovered on the topic. Currently I'm reading/studying two books that I will implement from theory to practicality as I unpack my 25 years of overwhelming cargo into my new home. Marie Kondo's book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (the Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing) and Jen Haymaker's 7 - an Experimental Mutiny Against Excess are my new arsenal against consumeristic living. I pray you will indulge me as I post about my discoveries on this journey to becoming more by living with less!

JEALOUS MUCH?

Sometimes I flippantly say things often enough they begin to shore themselves up within my heart creating negative thought patterns and before I realize it - sin has crept into my life in the form of seemingly innocent statements.  The more time I spend with the Lord the more I see how these things manifest themselves in my life and how I need to clean house every-so-often. Just as my Catholic upbringing required the sacrament of reconciliation - so to, in my daily walk with the Lord - there is that need to reflect and confess on the sin that creeps into my life.

Anger is cruel, and wrath is like a flood, but JEALOUSY is even MORE DANGEROUS! Proverbs 27:4

JEALOUSY...ENVY...
both lead to discontentment. And both had crept into my heart and were making a comfy home of it.

The sad part about jealousy and envy is the fact that they can lead us to mentally slaughter the source. I have recently been convicted of this sin in my life. I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed as I do way too often throughout the day. I came across one of the usual posts of a friend on a beach vacation enjoying their time and photo journaling their fun. My comment on their post was one word, "jealous." Though I thought I was being playful, the Lord pricked my heart and caused me to pause and reflect.

As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person. Proverbs 27:19

I was flooded with conviction as my heart's sinful state was revealed. I thought I was just being silly when in all actuality I was exactly as the word stated...JEALOUS!

I was also dealing with ENVY. 

Just as Death and Destruction are never satisfied, so human desire is never satisfied. Psalm 27:20

These were not traits I wanted harbored in my heart. I much preferred being a light - someone who exhibits love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. Yeah - I want to be like that...NOT jealous and envious. 

The state of jealousy and envy in my heart were causing me to question God's goodness towards me. Who am I to downplay another person's good fortune by telling them I'm "JEALOUS" and by doing that claim God wasn't being good to me? 

I have been thoroughly chastised in every good way! I am so thankful that God takes the time to reveal the dark corners of my heart where sin is lurking and by his grace and mercy clear it out. 

We all have good fortune in our life and we were all made for the purpose of loving God and loving his people. Jealousy and envy have no place in that. 

Before I logged out of Facebook I still commented on my friend's post saying, "I am so happy for you!" My heart was lighter, my smile was genuine and my day was brighter! 

REFLECTIONS - My Amazing 48th Year of Life

As the clock ticks down to my last moments of my 48th year of life I have been reflecting on the past year. It has been a crazy year - one of huge transitions, milestone moments, leaping into unknown territory and making memories. It was a year with moments of frightful disillusionment, turmoil and stress. It was a year of branching out - making new friends, reconnecting with old friends, jumping into ministry opportunities and business opportunities. I have learned so much this year alone - my cup overflows with the goodness (and some of the not so good that has shaped me and molded me.)

ONE OF THE GREATEST BLESSINGS FOR MY 48th year of life was the addition of the first grandson to the family. Andrew - your first few months of life were precarious. But through your trial and our pain we were drawn closer as a family and drawn closer to God. There were literally hundreds of people all over the world praying for you little guy and you came through and now you're thriving! What a special gift you are precious boy! This Nonna loved the opportunity to spend extra time with all of her grand babies. Spending time with Hannah-bear and Abby-tabby and Beth and Brandon were moments I will treasure forever. I wish we lived closer and had more time to be with them - but cherish every chance we have to be together.

Another major transition that came into our lives were these added family members...

The #puppychronicle stars! Ridley the smart and talented border collie (Jon & Kenzi's baby) and her faithful side-kick Sadie (mine and Daryl's) the uniquely gorgeous husky eyed, german shepherd sized, blue heeler coated, retriever mix (aka mutt). The two are inseparable growing up together - we spent many cold afternoons together in the kitchen - them napping while I worked. They have incredible personalities and character and they are both so lovable. I struggled with dogs and suddenly there were two in our lives. It was definitely a graced-filled learning curve for me. BUT well worth every moment, every nip, scratch and kiss. They have come into their own a little more and could probably use a bit of intensive training - but they are the sweetest pair I know. And though they challenge us by occasionally running off - we are still crazy enough to think we need to add one more sibling to the mix so we are taking in Sadie's brother from a later litter - enter Ryder...

This chunk o' love will be joining the family in September! Cannot wait!!!!

In addition to all these moments here is a list of interesting moments - because the blessings are so numerous for this year - I just HAVE to share!!!

1. Having Josh Duhamel photo bomb our family photo shoot. YES INDEED! lol

2. Celebrating 25 amazing years of marriage to my best friend, the most amazing father, the hardest working man I know and the love of my life. 

3. Having the privilege of being present when my 2nd oldest daughter got engaged to a very sweet guy!

4. Watching my baby girl grow up as she branched off on her own to go through an aesthetician program - that she aced and is now licensed in. 

5. Having Bailey-girl move back and choose ND over AZ. Not gonna lie - I love it!!

6. Spending Christmas with family in different places. It was so weird - yet we survived.

7. Praising God for his protection over Bailey when she was traveling back to ND. 

8. Discovering Underarmor long under garment hunting gear. TOASTY!!!

9. Seeing God's hand in my job situation and how He had been working out the transition before I even knew I was supposed to change jobs. 

10. Managing to get through my first full semester of college with passing grades. 

11. FaceTime with the grandchildren.

12. How God provided the house we were renting for Jon and Kenzi's future home. 

13. Beginning the process of buying a house to move out on the farm and having God protect our funds when the initial builder went bankrupt. 

14. Finding an incredible health and wellness program that has turned Daryl's life around - helping him lose 45 pounds and gain back balance, energy and good sleep. 

15. Making new friends through the new job and the new health and wellness opportunity.

16. Finding the game Cashflow. Life changing you should try it! 

17. Having Sara move home for the interim. So good having her here! 

18. Leading praise team occasionally since our other leader had a precious baby girl of her own! 

19. Having a health crash that scared the dickens out of me but led me to a local chiropractor who's done an amazing job with getting things worked out. 

20. Planning a wedding...watching wine bottle labels skillfully removed and glitter paint applied. (there's way more to the wedding than that but you can join us in September and see all the work that's gone into this event.)

21. Planning and pulling off a purity conference in another state with the help of my boss - Katie Vert  and my dear friend from back in the Wray, CO days - Sheila DiPippo! 

22. Building some deep and beautiful friendships with some of the ladies from my church family. Something I've longed for since moving to ND and now God's fulfilling that need.

23. Receiving a ministry opportunity with my church home that is literally the desire of my heart. I am so excited and equally terrified by this leadership position.

24. Hoping I am gracefully going gray. Deciding to quit dying my hair may seem trivial to some - but it's a pivotal moment in a woman's life. Seriously folks - this takes a lot of deep contemplation - until you realize the financial savings - then it's a no-brainer. 

25. WE ARE MOVING TO THE FARM - well the RANCH. 

This October 2015 we will officially be living at Buffalo Hills Ranch. WOOT WOOT!

Chickens, cows, buffalo and more to come next spring. 

In essence - I live a very incredibly charmed life. Through the trials and the storms - I have so much to be thankful for they far outweigh the discomforts of life. I can honestly say - I'm looking live out my final year in my forties with great gusto...tons of enthusiasm...and a stronger more intentional focus on my Savior. I long to deepen that relationship and have His grace, mercy and love flow freely through me into the lives of everyone I come in contact with! 

If you think of me - send up a prayer for my 49th year on this earth.

May it be filled with rejoicing and praise! 

Thank you dear friends!

GOD BLESS!

GOAL SETTING - Why I think EVERYBODY should have GOALS

I hadn't thought about GOALS much...for many years I didn't even realize how important they were. Then, one year I began to understand their value and the need - so I tried it out. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. I wrote out my personal and spiritual goals for myself and my desires for my family.  Then I forgot about them. The crazy things was - at the end of the year...they always seemed to resurface and lo and behold - the majority were either completed, accomplished or darn close. 

I wasn't a huge believer in this until I went back to work and was "forced" to establish professional goals. That's where the rubber met the road. I had to think long and hard and figure out how to attain the goals I was setting for myself because I didn't want to fail at my job. That's where I figured out one thing...

I was amazed at this concept that great leaders don't set out to be a leader...THEY SET OUT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE and that's exactly what I wanted to do! I did well but was always frustrated because there were times I felt I couldn't measure up to someone's expectations no matter how hard I tried. That's when the idea of "gumption" began to develop within me. Yea - it's a bit of a hick word but it really describes my development in that area. NEVER QUIT became my motto - for whatever I was working on - whether it be home, work, ministry, you name it. I was DERAILED many times - but always got back on track as quick as I could. That diligence was blessed and built tons of character!

That is when I discovered how important planning was - a GOAL is just a GOAL if you don't give it feet. Breaking down a goal is vital to accomplishing them. But more than that - having the GOAL gave me focus!

We all have to live for something. We all need direction in life or we are just spinning our wheels going nowhere. I learned that I needed these goals to keep me on the right track.

Side note here...I love to dive into projects head on, wholeheartedly. I love to offer my gifts and talents when they're needed. My problem was I was diving in to so many different areas with no set goals or agenda. They were all awesome, fantastic causes but I stretched myself too thin and my family felt the pinch! AND the crazy thing was all those hours of work were not leading me in any certain direction. I was just treading water trying to stay afloat! That's when I began to realize that...

THIS WAS THE DIRECTION I WAS GOING. It wasn't pretty! All areas of my life were suffering and I started to feel like I was cheating on everyone. All of this chaos was causing so much stress on my physical body that it finally crashed - all activities ceased including being a wife and mother, working outside the home, ministry work, praise team, you name it. I was completely devoid of any strength or energy - all I could do was remind myself to breathe.

While I was bed-ridden and out of the rat race, I began to slowly evaluate where I was going with my life. What I found was I had goals - but not solid plan on how to get there. My plan for all intents and purposes was a solid plan leading to a breakdown and that was all. SO...I knew I had to change the plan. I didn't like where I had landed - but I can honestly say - I am THANKFUL that God stopped me in my tracks.

As I began to review my life and where it was going I began to see the discord that was being created because my husband and I were going different directions. It wasn't healthy and it was driving us apart not bringing us together. That's when I gave up on what I thought were my dreams and turned everything over to God. I began to dream WITH my husband and changed my focus and my plan. Again - the Goal never changed, but how I was attaining it did. This time I included my husband in my goals and dream making plans. It led us to places I never dreamt I would go - but I am loving the journey and making it hand-in-hand with my love! In this place - later in life - is where we discovered thankfully that...

 SO HONESTLY...EVERYBODY should have goals - you don't want to maneuver this life at random - everyone has an innate desire to accomplish great things! AND YOU CAN!

My next post will focus in on the nuts and bolts of goal setting...but until then - go ahead...

DEALING WITH INVISIBLE ILLNESS

I have an invisible illness. Actually I have a couple invisible illnesses.

The problem is when they act up we are never really sure which one it is. A week ago I landed in the ER because of a flare. I don't know if it was the Lyme's disease or if it was the fibromyalgia. All I know is that my left side of my body hurt...horribly.

When it comes to invisible illness, I don't really talk about it much. It's not that I want to ignore it, it's not that I don't want others to understand, it's more of the fact that it's simply part of my life. It's the part of my life that I don't always appreciate. It's the part of my life that I would love to be able to forget. But that's not how this works.



So when I have a flare, I try to be transparent and let people know that it's not a bed of roses over here. I try to be open and ask for prayer for strength. That strength could be literal, physical strength, because when I have a flare it usually zaps me of all strength. That strength is also emotional, mental, strength because when I have a flare and I am left with a body that doesn't want to function properly, I wrestle with those thoughts that often plague my weakened state of mind. Thoughts like I am worthless, I am a nuisance, I am a pain to those around me. Crazy thoughts, senseless thoughts, but honest things that cross the mind of one who feels like her body has betrayed her.

It takes diligence and mindfulness not to let an invisible illness define you, set your limitations and become the main preoccupation of your daily life. There are days where I think that I am never going to be normal again. Well...it's true. And I must accept that my life just isn't normal and that's okay. But to let it drag me down and leave me depressed (which it has done in the past) and leave me despondent (a place I've been in the past as well)...I just don't want to go there.

There's so much life to live still, regardless of how much pain you're in, regardless of how heavy your arms and legs feel, regardless of how fuzzy your brain may be functioning at the moment. When my eyes are on Him, I still have hope, joy and peace.

So I guess the best way I have found to deal with invisible illness is turning to the greatest balm I have found in the wake of each storm...seeking and finding rest for my soul in the Lord's gentle care. Granted, having family that understands, family that knows when they need to boss me around a bit to get me to do what I should be doing in order to heal from an episode is a huge blessing!!! I am one fortunate woman to have family that can tell when I've pushed beyond my limits and when I need to drop everything and let my body catch up with me.

It's not easy, I know this full well. But it's worth every anxious breath, every pain-filled moment of every incredibly blessed day! Maybe someday I will figure out how to share about this invisible illness stuff, but for now, I choose to share it with my Comforter.

And in case you're wondering how I'm doing...I'm better than I was a week ago. I'm still in a good deal of pain, I haven't recovered my coordination and I am dragging my body around these days, but I am functioning...and I'm still smiling! :)