COLLEGE BOUND!

I can't believe this...it blows my mind every time I think of it. I graduated from high school THIRTY years ago!?!?! That sounds like an eternity...okay maybe that's a bit overly dramatic. But it is a LLOOONNGG time.

So, I start college classes next week...NEXT WEEK!!!!
Am I a little apprehensive? A LITTLE?!?! heck yeah!
But the crazy thing is I'm bursting with anticipation as well!!! I know, I can't believe it! I don't understand where this enthusiasm is coming from!

I can't wait to jump in and I will have to jump in with both feet! I scheduled to start one month early because I want to do their fast start program. This means I will finish my first class within the first 30 days. Well, actually I will finish it within the first 22 days because I want to have it completed and take the next 2 weeks off to enjoy visiting Bethany and Brandon and their precious family - and holding my sweet new grandson!!! I don't want school looming over me. I want to know that I have accomplished my first task and my next one can start when I get home.

I know this probably sounds foreign to most college bound people. My program is an accelerated competency based program with Western Governors University. You take one class at a time. As you complete the assignments and prove your competency you move on to the next class. I think it's the perfect set up for someone who's employed full time. My goal is to complete the program in 30 months. In 2 1/2 years I would have my bachelors and if I get the hang to this program, I may even work on my masters and try to complete that in 6 months to a year. Ambitious? I hope so, because for some reason the Lord has laid it on my heart to do this and made it possible (I passed the entrance exams...after being out of school for 30 years...) and my employer is assisting with the tuition.

AND...what better way to start off my program than a 30th Class Reunion?! I'm stoked! I have a great weekend ahead of me and then I'm hitting the books! SO...I may not emerge very often and when I do it may sound a bit like gibberish...or too much like academia. Not that it's a bad thing, just saying I have no clue which direction I am going to go with this learning thing. My desire is to learn and dig and research and ask questions and learn more...well you get the picture.

If you were thinking it but afraid to ask - it seems that empty nest has led me to fly the coop - or maybe I'm just nesting into my little realm and preparing for the long season of learning. Here's a shot of my little "coop". It's coming along well and I have a few more touches to add but I believe it will do nicely! Trying to keep it SIMPLE and COMFORTABLE!

IT'S A NEW DAY!

It's been a year...or two...okay probably more like four or five! Things have not been easy, but in the midst of the crazy, there has been so much joy, so much to celebrate.

First of all...when I became sick back in 2009 and things became progressively worse, I thought it was going to be my "new normal" and that there was little hope for a return to who I was. But God had other plans and here I am in North Dakota, living on the res, working full time, singing on praise team, watching my girls become adults, loving my man and starting the journey towards a bachelors degree. YEAH...I must be crazy! People are looking at me and thinking - "that girl couldn't even swim in the wading pool and now she done jumped into the deep end!" Maybe...but I'm living life! I'm loving life! And I'm about to be learning life at a whole new level!! :)

Really, for all that "should" be in the eyes of the beholder - my life has taken a glorious detour! I never dreamed I'd be here. BUT I AM! I never thought I'd be full of energy and life again. IT'S HAPPENED and I'm so grateful to my Savior for He saw fit to take my health challenges and pain and turn them around. It's in the little things that we see the progress...

I can get up and sing a full set for praise and worship and not be shaking and quivering at the end.
I can walk the mall at a normal pace and do a full round of grocery shopping and still have energy left when I get home.
I can drive to and from Minot without being thoroughly exhausted.
I directed VBS this summer and didn't crash - physically or emotionally.
I can work a 12 hour day and still get up the next morning and do it again.
I can go for a brisk walk and maintain the same speed on the way back up the hill to our house.
I can help my husband with the massive undertaking of our jam packed garage and at the end of the day we have filled the back end of his pickup with junk and had a stall that fit a vehicle!

This is a huge change from the girl who could only rise from the couch and shuffle to the bathroom and back before she had to rest.
This is a huge change from the hunched over, stiff jointed, locked muscle, lump infested person who couldn't accept help from anybody because they couldn't touch her without sending shockwaves of pain through her entire body.
This is a huge change from the muddled, fog-brained female, whose only relief from life and pain and emotions was to mindlessly play bejeweled for hours on end. No judging - I actually believe that keeping my mind occupied and doing something was better than having it idle and I mean I DID score in the 500,000's back then. I can't even repeat that now and don't even have the patience to sit through one game. I will say however, that Pinterest was my other escape and that one is still a bit of an addiction I'm working on breaking.

SO I'm living. God is good!
I'm loving so much more than I ever dreamed. Loving nature, loving family, loving my man more deeply than I could have imagined, loving God more fully.
And I am excited for the challenge of learning so much more. Broadening who I am. Obtaining a bachelors degree and who knows...once I have that I qualify for SEMINARY!!!! Now there's a dream I would love to accomplish!

If you are struggling. If you've drawn the short straw and have to deal with things most people never even think about. Be encouraged. God is there. He was with me when I was mindlessly passing the time on the couch. He was with me when I was angry at all that was going on and the lack of diagnosis. He has been with me through all of this, carried my family through so much more than what I was going through, and He brought so many supporters and encouragers - I know I am truly blessed. I pray you too would have the same support and encouragement. That you too would feel His presence in the midst of your pain. That you too would know that He loves you with a deep abiding love that can penetrate even the worst of pain or the most wretched of circumstances.

"We know that God who raise the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God's grace reaches more and more people there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. That is why we never give up! Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day! For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:14-18

Rest in this truth. God's grace reaches more and more people through our testimonies. NEVER GIVE UP! YES...our bodies are dying, but our SPIRITS are being RENEWED EVERY DAY! I know the troubles don't feel small, but when we look at them in light of all Jesus suffered on our behalf, they become bearable. Endure the hardship and be a light for those who do not see and cause them to ask you how in the world you still smile!

Seasons Change

Today was rough.

I didn't think it could get any rougher then surviving the weeks prior and the week of VBS. 

I didn't think it could get any rougher then trying to throw my house in order after a month of neglect so that it would be ready for a visit from my eldest daughter Bethany and my two adorable grandchildren.

I didn't think it could get any rougher than a trip to Bismarck to drop off the same daughter and her children at the airport - the same trip that turned into an emergency appendectomy for my youngest daughter Sara. No...

I didn't think it could get any rougher...

Then we started packing my Sara as she prepares go begin her life away from home...

PHEW...

I thought I had mentally prepared myself for the reality of this time in my life. 

I thought I'd talked myself into the fact that it would be awesome and that I was psyched. 

I promised myself a week to grieve, a week to party, then I needed to move on. 

I have already begun preparing for the "moving on" so-to-speak. I have begun making plans to fill the time, or should I speak more honestly - to fill the void. 

I love all my girls. Looking back at each of their unique personalities. The great joy each has brought into our lives. I am astounded by how blessed we are, how blessed I am. I have four of the most amazing, selfless, loving women on this earth. I have much to be thankful for. Each daughter pretty much suffered through my Christian growing pains, as well as living through the honeymoon stages of many moves and new adventures. My pendulum swung wide and each time it did I'm sure the girls had to learn to duck and cover, not knowing what crazy scheme mom would come up with next! Was I going to sell all the secular CDs and make everybody listen to Christian music only? Was I going to purchase every veggie tale and every Elsie book and disconnect cable TV? Was I going to make them all help plan another VBS or create some elaborate purity conference? Oh yes - they've each experienced some aspect of my spiritual growth spurts. Some were a little out there, some not too bad, but there was one constant my family always humored me in - if I had an idea - everybody was along for the ride! Might as well hop on the bus because there was no fighting it. 

Sara has been a trooper. She's been recruited to act the part of a glittery spider mite for VBS. She's run around with a fairy wand at purity conferences and been subjected to sex talks since she could remember. She has been forced to sing in a family quartet in front of a few hundred much to her chagrin. She has been my rock. My support. My companion. When my health took a turn at the most inconvenient time in our lives, Sara was there, holding the pieces together for the family and somehow making sure I didn't completely fall apart. She was only 15 when our family became split in various directions, strewn across the United States. The baby of the family who didn't get to be a teenager in the standard sense. She had to grow up and learn about hospitals, emergency rooms, drug interactions, drug allergies, doctor terminology. How to make sure I got what I needed. How to stuff her fear, her emotions, so that she could be strong for me. She couldn't even drive, but she was there as my representative, telling them all they needed to know so they could treat me. Calling her dad, who was working in another state, to give him an update on the situation. 

Our Sara just turned 18. Is she really ready to go out into this big bad world and make her own way? She's my baby. And yet, I know it's time to let her go. Because my baby hasn't really been a baby for a long time now. She is mature beyond her years. Some of it forced on by circumstance, but much of it already an integral part of who she is. 

Seasons change. Life happens. And sometimes we just have to accept that in order for our children to grow they must strike out one their own personal journey. No matter how much I'd love to hang on to her, I have to let her go. 

Is this easy? NO WAY!

Am I freaking out??? I can neither confirm nor deny! 

Am I going to miss her? HORRIBLY!

I don't like it. But God never said I would. Change may seem to come easy to me, but you should know that I do dwell on these types of changes. With each one of my girls I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that they are becoming their own woman. There are days where I just want to clutch them all to me and have them all sitting around the kitchen floor sharing thoughts, ideas, laughter, and lots of silliness. I miss those days. But I know that God has amazing adventures planned for each one of my girls. My new season in life is to pray for them. Pray for their families. Pray for the grandchildren. AND HERE'S THE EXCITING PART...

I get to discover anew the wonder of being married without children. I get to give my husband my undivided attention. We get to do crazy things together, just the two of us. It's exciting to begin this empty nest stage in my life with my best friend by my side. Seasons change. People change. But I must admit I am comforted knowing that my God never changes. Especially since He's the one I have relinquished my girls to. He's the one who goes with them wherever they go and that brings me a great deal of peace. 

I'M COUNTING ON GOD!!!!!

Sometimes life becomes complicated. 

My life used to be an oxymoron - it was simply complicated. The simply was the fact that it took very little effort to accomplish everything and I was extremely productive. The complicated was the fact that I juggled many tasks and never worried about dropping a plate. I was the supreme multi-tasker. You needed something done, I was your person to do it. I planned retreat weekends, worked jobs, directed VBS, sang on the praise team, wrote devotionals, played piano, ran a Bible study...I don't write all this out to brag. OH NO...

I share this because life has changed significantly. 

Life is still simply complicated only that term has taken on a whole new meaning. It is now an inseparable term. Since becoming sick over two years ago "simply complicated" defines my life in ways I would never have dreamed. What was once a simple task has become unfathomably complicated. 

Eating...it's complicated.

Cleaning...it's complicated.

Sleeping...it's complicated.

Exercising...it's complicated.

Grocery shopping...it's complicated.

Doing Laundry...it's complicated.

I have been frustrated by this "complication" but tonight, I have found The Lord gently prodding me to surrender my frustrations. To take the complicated out of the equation and turn it into something more simple. It all came in the terms of finding God's will. At our praise and worship night at church (Resonate) we were challenged to look at God's will for our lives and see how we are handling it. 

When it was "easy" to fulfill what I believed was God's will, I was happy to jump in and "do great things". But when things became complicated, well, I found myself on a roller coaster of emotion and pain that left me feeling more like I was going in and out with the tide in my relationship with The Lord. Some days the tide was in and I was doing great and felt God and I had come to an understanding on how life was going to go. Then there were days I felt the tide was out and I was treading for dear life, floundering with every wave that threatened to pull me under. 

Tonight, I realize that the problem in this equation has been ME. You see, as long as I could accomplish the tasks in my own strength I was doing great. But now...now I have to rely on God for everything I do. There are days I am in so much pain I have to rely on His strength to get me out of bed so I can even start my day. I WANT to take on more, I want to be as productive as I used to be but for some reason, God had to shut me down. Tonight, I found the reason. I was operating in my own way and God wanted me to start doing things His way. 

I get tired of those proverbial 2x4s that The Lord has to bring up along side my head all too often, but this time I am beginning to see WHY. I thought those answers wouldn't come until I was on the other side of heaven but God is gracious and has found my wanting heart in need of a bit of His sweet revelation. So, here I am. And I absolutely love that our closing song tonight so wonderfully sums everything up...

I’m in a fight not physical, I’m in a war but not with this world

You are the light that’s beautiful and I want more, I want all that’s Yours

I've got joy unspeakable that won’t go away and just enough strength to live for today

So I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring ‘cause my faith is on solid rock

I am counting on God

I am counting on, I am counting on God

The miracle of Christ in me is the mystery that sets me free

I’m nothing like I used to be, open up your eyes you’ll see!

MY FAVORITE PART IS

I've got joy unspeakable that won't go away and JUST ENOUGH STRENGTH TO LIVE FOR TODAY

So I never hve to worry what tomorrow will bring, 'cause my faith is on solid rock

I AM COUNTING ON GOD!

WORDS - Why You Gotta Be So Mean?!

WORDS...
A single word can have profound impact on a person's life.

Flirt
Hussy
Tramp
Jerk
Creeper
Stalker
Cheat
Loser

They say "talk is cheap."
I beg to differ with them. Talk is anything but cheap! Words can be divisive, harsh, and crush the spirit. What happens when these types of words are spoken isn't "cheap," it's life-altering stuff.

WORDS...can cut life a knife, shatter fragile spirits, take down the strongest of men.
Used simply, used profoundly, used in spite, they can never be taken back and I find that I don't think enough before I speak. I tend to just spew.

In James it talks about the words we use. How they can be constructive and steer but that the tongue is also deceitful and well - just plain mean.

At the age of 13 I was told that I would never amount to anything. I suppose it was because my favorite past time at that point was laying around reading books, but that statement has plagued me ALL of my life. Whenever I want to just sit and relax it plays through my head. Since I have been physically sick and it's affected my productivity, it has severely plagued me.

There was another time in my life when in a fit of anger someone very close to me devastated me. The words spewed from her mouth, quiet and cutting. There was no erasing them from my mind. They cut DEEP. She told me that she would never respect me ever again and it broke me. I was devastated.

Similar stories have come from the young teens I've had the privilege of knowing like A. Her dad told her she was worthless. Or C, whose mom told her life would be so much easier if she wasn't around. And then there was K, her mom screamed at her repeatedly, "I wish you'd never been born." How can this be? How could a mother ever come to feel that way?

I'm so thankful that God isn't like this. That his Word never changes. His Truth remains. And though I am human, I have determined that I need to stop and think before I speak. I need to weigh my words and make sure what I am saying is breathing life and not death. Lately I think I've been breathing death...a lot. The Taylor Swift song..."Why you gotta be so mean?" plays through my head a ton right now because well...I am just that...MEAN. :(

I guess the good thing about realizing that I am a meanie is that it causes me to stop and ponder the state of my heart. Since out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. If what's coming from me is mean and I'm breathing death rather than life - well, then I know I need to stop and consider and work on my heart. Yeah I can blame it on others around me. Yeah I can justify until I'm blue in the face - but that's not going to change the fact that the only person speaking the words is ME.

I have also found that rather than speaking in spite, or verbal vomit, I prefer to turn to humor. Finding humor in something that frustrates helps me to speak life once again. Seeking God's Word of encouragement or as our family puts it, EDIFICATION helps me build others up rather than tearing them down. And a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold. And that's how I truly know talk isn't cheap!

So next time "Why you gotta be so mean" is playing in your mind and you think you're about to blow just take a deep breath and STOP, DROP & ROLL!
STOP what your saying,
DROP the bitter brouhaha, and
ROLL out some sweet words of edification!! :)

HOW NOW SHALL WE LIVE?

Has God called us to an existence of redundancy or is there more to living the day-to-day life?
I know that God desires for us to live a life worthy of our calling and we are to "imitate God in everything [we] do because [we] are his dear children." (Ephesians 5:1)

We are to live lives filled with love, following the example of Christ - our Savior who has done so much for us! And yet...we are so consumed with making a living that we forget to LIVE! Or at least I feel like I do sometimes.

Adding to that, I wrestle with my flesh on a daily basis.
"So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate." Romans 8:14-15

I long to be a light, but between wrestling with the flesh and feeling like a foreigner in a strange land...working full time during the day (in an office where I only see about 2-3 of the same people daily) plus some evenings where it's just Sara and I, there's not much time for a life outside of my current existence. And what life I have, I desire to pour into my family which leaves very little left over for strangers.

SO...HOW DO I DO THIS? How do I live a life that touches other peoples lives with His love?

Here's what His word clearly states, "So be careful how you live. Don't live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what The Lord wants you to do...be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to The Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." (Ephesians 5:15-20)

So now I know...

I need to be careful.
Live with wisdom.
Make the most of EVERY opportunity.
Act thoughtfully.
Seek the Lord's direction and what He wants me to do.
Be filled with the Spirit.
Praise God.
Thank God.

All in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, because in order for me to make something of my days I must have His strength, His grace, His wisdom, and His guidance. And to keep from growing arrogant, I must give all the glory to the One who takes my meager attempts and makes them into something amazing!

Practically speaking it could be that I am supposed to go pickup that little outfit for the cashier at the grocery store who just had a baby, or watch for our elderly neighbor who walks downtown even in subzero weather to pickup groceries and his mail every day and give him a ride, or grab a bag of M&Ms and take it to the post mistress who's been having a rough time lately, or make a concentrated effort to get to know my neighbors and begin praying for them regardless of whether or not I do know them.

Whatever the case may be, whatever it looks like. I just pray that I am ready when The Lord lays something on my heart and I am called to act!

21 Year Tribute! Mackenzie Miyoshi - our M&M :)

When Kenzi was born the nurses at the hospital thought her name was too long and shortened it to M&M. They loved her so much we didn't see much of Kenzi while at the hospital because the nurses were always running around with her and loving on her.

Kenzi was lactose intolerant almost from the start - her baby formula was some special stuff that cost 3x what regular formula cost.

At 9 months old Kenzi moved to the mountains of Colorado and came down with the worst case of chicken pox any of our daughters suffered through - but she only had her daddy to care for her b/c her then very career minded mommy was in training for 2 weeks in another state.

Kenzi and her cousin Shelby were born one day apart and have so many similar interests and are both sweet and generous people. They celebrated their first birthday together in Meeker.

Kenzi was always sneaky...there were many occasions where I would walk in to find Kenzi at 6 months up on top of her dresser after pulling her drawers out like stair steps, or in the middle of a pile of trix cereal, or in the living room with a cookie when she was supposed to be in the kitchen or on the step stool at the kitchen sink doing the dishes or flying down the basement stairs Wonder Woman style - at least she landed on my pile of laundry at the bottom - that was one time my laziness paid off.

At 18-months-old she lived on a Buffalo/Cattle ranch. The pet buffalo liked her and she got to ride her. Not many kids can claim they've ridden a buffalo!

Kenzi loved her big sister Bethany - they were best buds and Beth took great care of her - always reading stories to her and cuddling with her on the couch. When Bailey came along Kenzi modeled her sister Bethany and began mothering Bailey - even though they were only 18 months apart.

Kenzi was always pretty gullible. One day Bailey and Kenzi were playing under a table and Kenzi began wailing - after calming down she said that Bailey wanted to play James and the Giant peach and Kenzi pathetically cried, "I was the peach!!!" Apparently Bailey had tried to take a bite out of the peach...

Kenzi was always the little prayer warrior - a couple occasions of her sensitive spirit and prayer warrior's heart included Bailey (then just 18 months so Kenzi 3) cutting her hand on a razor she'd grabbed out of the tub. I couldn't stop the bleeding and was frantic. Kenzi calmly asked me if I'd prayed. I asked her to pray - and in her sweet little voice she asked God to heal Bailey's hand. When I pulled the towel away there was no more blood and no real sign of the cut. Another occasion was in Ft. Morgan, I was very pregnant with Sara - we were walking home from the grocery store and the sky was ominous. I asked Kenzi to pray we make it home safe before the storm broke. She promptly prayed and God held off the crazy weather until we set foot on our porch at home.

Kenzi got to ride in the front seat of an ambulance while Bailey rode in the jump seat and I was strapped to a gurney - after we were in a car accident when I was pregnant with Sara.

Kenzi has a compassionate heart! She loved her Bethy and was so protective of her - when Daryl was trying to get a splinter out of Bethany's hand and Beth was crying - Kenzi was yelling at Daryl, "Don't hurt my Bethy!!!"

Kenzi loves adventure - she was always up for something new or creating something or making her sister's lives an adventure as well. She was there the day Bailey fell in the driveway (when they were roller blading) and busted her chin open and had to have stitches. I'm sure she was freaking out about getting in trouble because Bailey had tripped over the rope Kenzi was pulling her with. Kenzi was also in our ram charger as a little tyke and somehow had wrestled it into gear and was cruising down the street - Daryl had to jump in the driver's side window to rescue our girl - of course she wanted to "do it again!" She was also there when they were swimming in a "no swimming" zone, jumping from a bridge support when the park ranger found them.

Kenzi was a bit accident prone...there are few pictures of Kenzi's first year of life - it wasn't for lack of trying - it was simply the fact that at 9 months, 12 months and 18 months Kenzi had black eyes! All of them due to various mishaps like climbing into the penny car at Safeway, running into a table, etc. This followed her for the first couple years of driving. Fortunately her streak only lasted a couple cars - not like my captain crunch reputation!! (we won't go there!)

She also loved theme parties. The most notorious was the Pirates of the Caribbean party! Always queen of hospitality Kenzi threw the best parties!

She has always been amazing in the kitchen! Kenzi could cook from a very young age and unlike some of us who HAVE to have a recipe and eventually develop cooking skills, Kenzi was born them. She seemed to know just what spices to put together, had a knack for not only baking but making dinner - she became our designated chef when I went back to work full time, taking on that responsibility with her school work. She would make sure we had dinner on the table and it was always amazing! She also mastered cooking a turkey long before I did AND she makes the best pumpkin pie around with the lightest flakiest tastiest crust. I can't even make the crust, let alone the pie!

Kenzi has always been crafty and has hidden skills in the area of woodworking - I believe she's yet to discover just how amazing she is in this realm but someday she will have the tools and she will be able to show us her skills in building things and crafting things that are incredibly beautiful!

Kenzi is good at naming things...mostly her cars! From Archibald (Archie) to Reginald (Reggie) to the newest addition "GUS" - I'm not sure why all of Kenzi's cars are male and mine have always been female (Bertha & Fiona) but her fondness for her cars has always cracked me up.

Kenzi is going to be an awesome mom someday! She has always been a nurturer. She mothers everybody! She is SO compassionate and caring. But with the seriousness that comes with this, she also has a very light and fun heart. She loves to laugh, make people smile, and is full of mischief. This makes for a very fun and lively combination that will blossom into a very fun family and household of her own someday!

It's incredible watching your child grow up and seeing who they have become and who they are becoming! I love watching the Lord transform her heart and shape her into the Godly woman He has called her to be!

I love you Kenzi! May your 21st year be an incredible journey into adulthood!