AM I A PHARISEE? My Conversation With God

I have been living the textbook life of the American Christian. Hopefully I don't offend, I'm praying I only convict with my words and draw you closer to the Lord. This textbook American Christian to me looks like this:

* Self Sufficient
* Prideful
*Arrogant
*Double Minded
*Pious
*Judgmental
*Insincere

I'm not saying that these are all-encompassing traits and that the American Christian doesn't possess positive traits as well, but I am saying that our comfortable lives have left us open to these not-so-Christian traits invading our lives and we let it slide because we never realize there is a different way to be living. Basically I've allowed so much of the world to become embedded in me that I haven't had room for Christ. I began to see just how pharisaical my life has been. I allowed everyone outside my family to see my good side but all the while the flesh would rear it's ugly head - not usually at my children but mostly at my husband. Now, he's a tough guy, a real man who can take it, and I am ever so thankful for that because in all my ugliness he still saw the beauty within and never gave up on our marriage!

So my conversation with God went something like this:
How is it that I am FINALLY learning so much about You? How much pride I must have that I would prefer to live like a pharisee. I am truly devastated Lord and quite mortified as well! However, I believe I am beginning to understand why things have seemed so distant between us. I know it wasn't You. I am FULLY to blame. I have taught myself to play the role of a Christian, saying all the right words but feeling so distant from You. I am truly learning what it means to be a woman after God's own heart and not someone out there serving God for all to see. I'm not negating the fact that You were using me in spite of myself - for that I am really grateful. I am saying that You probably could have done so much more if I had gotten myself out of the way!!
Thanks for being patient with me Lord. I know we have a long way to go, but I am excited about the journey ahead.

I am finding out how much I NEED God. How to FEAR Him in reverence. Just how depraved I truly am. I understand all of this more fully now.

I have always had a theory in Sanctify Ministries - the purity ministry the Lord allowed me to be a part of - the theory is this: Purity is a process fueled by a passion. I would not be who I am today or where I am today had it not been for that passionate pursuit and hunger for an understanding of purity. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a LONG way to go yet and that I'll never "arrive" or meet perfection in this lifetime. I have occasionally felt my strivings were in vain and that I definitely gave myself too much credit but I can actually see how much I've grown and am so grateful for it. As my relationship with the Lord takes on a deeper understanding I feel so overwhelmed by His love and sacrifice on my behalf.

Am I a Pharisee? In some respects, I would have to say yes. My prayer is that God would weed out all those pharisaical thoughts and habits out of my life and continue to mold me and shape me into His image.