Seasons Change

Today was rough.

I didn't think it could get any rougher then surviving the weeks prior and the week of VBS. 

I didn't think it could get any rougher then trying to throw my house in order after a month of neglect so that it would be ready for a visit from my eldest daughter Bethany and my two adorable grandchildren.

I didn't think it could get any rougher than a trip to Bismarck to drop off the same daughter and her children at the airport - the same trip that turned into an emergency appendectomy for my youngest daughter Sara. No...

I didn't think it could get any rougher...

Then we started packing my Sara as she prepares go begin her life away from home...

PHEW...

I thought I had mentally prepared myself for the reality of this time in my life. 

I thought I'd talked myself into the fact that it would be awesome and that I was psyched. 

I promised myself a week to grieve, a week to party, then I needed to move on. 

I have already begun preparing for the "moving on" so-to-speak. I have begun making plans to fill the time, or should I speak more honestly - to fill the void. 

I love all my girls. Looking back at each of their unique personalities. The great joy each has brought into our lives. I am astounded by how blessed we are, how blessed I am. I have four of the most amazing, selfless, loving women on this earth. I have much to be thankful for. Each daughter pretty much suffered through my Christian growing pains, as well as living through the honeymoon stages of many moves and new adventures. My pendulum swung wide and each time it did I'm sure the girls had to learn to duck and cover, not knowing what crazy scheme mom would come up with next! Was I going to sell all the secular CDs and make everybody listen to Christian music only? Was I going to purchase every veggie tale and every Elsie book and disconnect cable TV? Was I going to make them all help plan another VBS or create some elaborate purity conference? Oh yes - they've each experienced some aspect of my spiritual growth spurts. Some were a little out there, some not too bad, but there was one constant my family always humored me in - if I had an idea - everybody was along for the ride! Might as well hop on the bus because there was no fighting it. 

Sara has been a trooper. She's been recruited to act the part of a glittery spider mite for VBS. She's run around with a fairy wand at purity conferences and been subjected to sex talks since she could remember. She has been forced to sing in a family quartet in front of a few hundred much to her chagrin. She has been my rock. My support. My companion. When my health took a turn at the most inconvenient time in our lives, Sara was there, holding the pieces together for the family and somehow making sure I didn't completely fall apart. She was only 15 when our family became split in various directions, strewn across the United States. The baby of the family who didn't get to be a teenager in the standard sense. She had to grow up and learn about hospitals, emergency rooms, drug interactions, drug allergies, doctor terminology. How to make sure I got what I needed. How to stuff her fear, her emotions, so that she could be strong for me. She couldn't even drive, but she was there as my representative, telling them all they needed to know so they could treat me. Calling her dad, who was working in another state, to give him an update on the situation. 

Our Sara just turned 18. Is she really ready to go out into this big bad world and make her own way? She's my baby. And yet, I know it's time to let her go. Because my baby hasn't really been a baby for a long time now. She is mature beyond her years. Some of it forced on by circumstance, but much of it already an integral part of who she is. 

Seasons change. Life happens. And sometimes we just have to accept that in order for our children to grow they must strike out one their own personal journey. No matter how much I'd love to hang on to her, I have to let her go. 

Is this easy? NO WAY!

Am I freaking out??? I can neither confirm nor deny! 

Am I going to miss her? HORRIBLY!

I don't like it. But God never said I would. Change may seem to come easy to me, but you should know that I do dwell on these types of changes. With each one of my girls I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that they are becoming their own woman. There are days where I just want to clutch them all to me and have them all sitting around the kitchen floor sharing thoughts, ideas, laughter, and lots of silliness. I miss those days. But I know that God has amazing adventures planned for each one of my girls. My new season in life is to pray for them. Pray for their families. Pray for the grandchildren. AND HERE'S THE EXCITING PART...

I get to discover anew the wonder of being married without children. I get to give my husband my undivided attention. We get to do crazy things together, just the two of us. It's exciting to begin this empty nest stage in my life with my best friend by my side. Seasons change. People change. But I must admit I am comforted knowing that my God never changes. Especially since He's the one I have relinquished my girls to. He's the one who goes with them wherever they go and that brings me a great deal of peace. 

I'M COUNTING ON GOD!!!!!

Sometimes life becomes complicated. 

My life used to be an oxymoron - it was simply complicated. The simply was the fact that it took very little effort to accomplish everything and I was extremely productive. The complicated was the fact that I juggled many tasks and never worried about dropping a plate. I was the supreme multi-tasker. You needed something done, I was your person to do it. I planned retreat weekends, worked jobs, directed VBS, sang on the praise team, wrote devotionals, played piano, ran a Bible study...I don't write all this out to brag. OH NO...

I share this because life has changed significantly. 

Life is still simply complicated only that term has taken on a whole new meaning. It is now an inseparable term. Since becoming sick over two years ago "simply complicated" defines my life in ways I would never have dreamed. What was once a simple task has become unfathomably complicated. 

Eating...it's complicated.

Cleaning...it's complicated.

Sleeping...it's complicated.

Exercising...it's complicated.

Grocery shopping...it's complicated.

Doing Laundry...it's complicated.

I have been frustrated by this "complication" but tonight, I have found The Lord gently prodding me to surrender my frustrations. To take the complicated out of the equation and turn it into something more simple. It all came in the terms of finding God's will. At our praise and worship night at church (Resonate) we were challenged to look at God's will for our lives and see how we are handling it. 

When it was "easy" to fulfill what I believed was God's will, I was happy to jump in and "do great things". But when things became complicated, well, I found myself on a roller coaster of emotion and pain that left me feeling more like I was going in and out with the tide in my relationship with The Lord. Some days the tide was in and I was doing great and felt God and I had come to an understanding on how life was going to go. Then there were days I felt the tide was out and I was treading for dear life, floundering with every wave that threatened to pull me under. 

Tonight, I realize that the problem in this equation has been ME. You see, as long as I could accomplish the tasks in my own strength I was doing great. But now...now I have to rely on God for everything I do. There are days I am in so much pain I have to rely on His strength to get me out of bed so I can even start my day. I WANT to take on more, I want to be as productive as I used to be but for some reason, God had to shut me down. Tonight, I found the reason. I was operating in my own way and God wanted me to start doing things His way. 

I get tired of those proverbial 2x4s that The Lord has to bring up along side my head all too often, but this time I am beginning to see WHY. I thought those answers wouldn't come until I was on the other side of heaven but God is gracious and has found my wanting heart in need of a bit of His sweet revelation. So, here I am. And I absolutely love that our closing song tonight so wonderfully sums everything up...

I’m in a fight not physical, I’m in a war but not with this world

You are the light that’s beautiful and I want more, I want all that’s Yours

I've got joy unspeakable that won’t go away and just enough strength to live for today

So I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring ‘cause my faith is on solid rock

I am counting on God

I am counting on, I am counting on God

The miracle of Christ in me is the mystery that sets me free

I’m nothing like I used to be, open up your eyes you’ll see!

MY FAVORITE PART IS

I've got joy unspeakable that won't go away and JUST ENOUGH STRENGTH TO LIVE FOR TODAY

So I never hve to worry what tomorrow will bring, 'cause my faith is on solid rock

I AM COUNTING ON GOD!

WORDS - Why You Gotta Be So Mean?!

WORDS...
A single word can have profound impact on a person's life.

Flirt
Hussy
Tramp
Jerk
Creeper
Stalker
Cheat
Loser

They say "talk is cheap."
I beg to differ with them. Talk is anything but cheap! Words can be divisive, harsh, and crush the spirit. What happens when these types of words are spoken isn't "cheap," it's life-altering stuff.

WORDS...can cut life a knife, shatter fragile spirits, take down the strongest of men.
Used simply, used profoundly, used in spite, they can never be taken back and I find that I don't think enough before I speak. I tend to just spew.

In James it talks about the words we use. How they can be constructive and steer but that the tongue is also deceitful and well - just plain mean.

At the age of 13 I was told that I would never amount to anything. I suppose it was because my favorite past time at that point was laying around reading books, but that statement has plagued me ALL of my life. Whenever I want to just sit and relax it plays through my head. Since I have been physically sick and it's affected my productivity, it has severely plagued me.

There was another time in my life when in a fit of anger someone very close to me devastated me. The words spewed from her mouth, quiet and cutting. There was no erasing them from my mind. They cut DEEP. She told me that she would never respect me ever again and it broke me. I was devastated.

Similar stories have come from the young teens I've had the privilege of knowing like A. Her dad told her she was worthless. Or C, whose mom told her life would be so much easier if she wasn't around. And then there was K, her mom screamed at her repeatedly, "I wish you'd never been born." How can this be? How could a mother ever come to feel that way?

I'm so thankful that God isn't like this. That his Word never changes. His Truth remains. And though I am human, I have determined that I need to stop and think before I speak. I need to weigh my words and make sure what I am saying is breathing life and not death. Lately I think I've been breathing death...a lot. The Taylor Swift song..."Why you gotta be so mean?" plays through my head a ton right now because well...I am just that...MEAN. :(

I guess the good thing about realizing that I am a meanie is that it causes me to stop and ponder the state of my heart. Since out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. If what's coming from me is mean and I'm breathing death rather than life - well, then I know I need to stop and consider and work on my heart. Yeah I can blame it on others around me. Yeah I can justify until I'm blue in the face - but that's not going to change the fact that the only person speaking the words is ME.

I have also found that rather than speaking in spite, or verbal vomit, I prefer to turn to humor. Finding humor in something that frustrates helps me to speak life once again. Seeking God's Word of encouragement or as our family puts it, EDIFICATION helps me build others up rather than tearing them down. And a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold. And that's how I truly know talk isn't cheap!

So next time "Why you gotta be so mean" is playing in your mind and you think you're about to blow just take a deep breath and STOP, DROP & ROLL!
STOP what your saying,
DROP the bitter brouhaha, and
ROLL out some sweet words of edification!! :)

HOW NOW SHALL WE LIVE?

Has God called us to an existence of redundancy or is there more to living the day-to-day life?
I know that God desires for us to live a life worthy of our calling and we are to "imitate God in everything [we] do because [we] are his dear children." (Ephesians 5:1)

We are to live lives filled with love, following the example of Christ - our Savior who has done so much for us! And yet...we are so consumed with making a living that we forget to LIVE! Or at least I feel like I do sometimes.

Adding to that, I wrestle with my flesh on a daily basis.
"So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate." Romans 8:14-15

I long to be a light, but between wrestling with the flesh and feeling like a foreigner in a strange land...working full time during the day (in an office where I only see about 2-3 of the same people daily) plus some evenings where it's just Sara and I, there's not much time for a life outside of my current existence. And what life I have, I desire to pour into my family which leaves very little left over for strangers.

SO...HOW DO I DO THIS? How do I live a life that touches other peoples lives with His love?

Here's what His word clearly states, "So be careful how you live. Don't live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what The Lord wants you to do...be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to The Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." (Ephesians 5:15-20)

So now I know...

I need to be careful.
Live with wisdom.
Make the most of EVERY opportunity.
Act thoughtfully.
Seek the Lord's direction and what He wants me to do.
Be filled with the Spirit.
Praise God.
Thank God.

All in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, because in order for me to make something of my days I must have His strength, His grace, His wisdom, and His guidance. And to keep from growing arrogant, I must give all the glory to the One who takes my meager attempts and makes them into something amazing!

Practically speaking it could be that I am supposed to go pickup that little outfit for the cashier at the grocery store who just had a baby, or watch for our elderly neighbor who walks downtown even in subzero weather to pickup groceries and his mail every day and give him a ride, or grab a bag of M&Ms and take it to the post mistress who's been having a rough time lately, or make a concentrated effort to get to know my neighbors and begin praying for them regardless of whether or not I do know them.

Whatever the case may be, whatever it looks like. I just pray that I am ready when The Lord lays something on my heart and I am called to act!

21 Year Tribute! Mackenzie Miyoshi - our M&M :)

When Kenzi was born the nurses at the hospital thought her name was too long and shortened it to M&M. They loved her so much we didn't see much of Kenzi while at the hospital because the nurses were always running around with her and loving on her.

Kenzi was lactose intolerant almost from the start - her baby formula was some special stuff that cost 3x what regular formula cost.

At 9 months old Kenzi moved to the mountains of Colorado and came down with the worst case of chicken pox any of our daughters suffered through - but she only had her daddy to care for her b/c her then very career minded mommy was in training for 2 weeks in another state.

Kenzi and her cousin Shelby were born one day apart and have so many similar interests and are both sweet and generous people. They celebrated their first birthday together in Meeker.

Kenzi was always sneaky...there were many occasions where I would walk in to find Kenzi at 6 months up on top of her dresser after pulling her drawers out like stair steps, or in the middle of a pile of trix cereal, or in the living room with a cookie when she was supposed to be in the kitchen or on the step stool at the kitchen sink doing the dishes or flying down the basement stairs Wonder Woman style - at least she landed on my pile of laundry at the bottom - that was one time my laziness paid off.

At 18-months-old she lived on a Buffalo/Cattle ranch. The pet buffalo liked her and she got to ride her. Not many kids can claim they've ridden a buffalo!

Kenzi loved her big sister Bethany - they were best buds and Beth took great care of her - always reading stories to her and cuddling with her on the couch. When Bailey came along Kenzi modeled her sister Bethany and began mothering Bailey - even though they were only 18 months apart.

Kenzi was always pretty gullible. One day Bailey and Kenzi were playing under a table and Kenzi began wailing - after calming down she said that Bailey wanted to play James and the Giant peach and Kenzi pathetically cried, "I was the peach!!!" Apparently Bailey had tried to take a bite out of the peach...

Kenzi was always the little prayer warrior - a couple occasions of her sensitive spirit and prayer warrior's heart included Bailey (then just 18 months so Kenzi 3) cutting her hand on a razor she'd grabbed out of the tub. I couldn't stop the bleeding and was frantic. Kenzi calmly asked me if I'd prayed. I asked her to pray - and in her sweet little voice she asked God to heal Bailey's hand. When I pulled the towel away there was no more blood and no real sign of the cut. Another occasion was in Ft. Morgan, I was very pregnant with Sara - we were walking home from the grocery store and the sky was ominous. I asked Kenzi to pray we make it home safe before the storm broke. She promptly prayed and God held off the crazy weather until we set foot on our porch at home.

Kenzi got to ride in the front seat of an ambulance while Bailey rode in the jump seat and I was strapped to a gurney - after we were in a car accident when I was pregnant with Sara.

Kenzi has a compassionate heart! She loved her Bethy and was so protective of her - when Daryl was trying to get a splinter out of Bethany's hand and Beth was crying - Kenzi was yelling at Daryl, "Don't hurt my Bethy!!!"

Kenzi loves adventure - she was always up for something new or creating something or making her sister's lives an adventure as well. She was there the day Bailey fell in the driveway (when they were roller blading) and busted her chin open and had to have stitches. I'm sure she was freaking out about getting in trouble because Bailey had tripped over the rope Kenzi was pulling her with. Kenzi was also in our ram charger as a little tyke and somehow had wrestled it into gear and was cruising down the street - Daryl had to jump in the driver's side window to rescue our girl - of course she wanted to "do it again!" She was also there when they were swimming in a "no swimming" zone, jumping from a bridge support when the park ranger found them.

Kenzi was a bit accident prone...there are few pictures of Kenzi's first year of life - it wasn't for lack of trying - it was simply the fact that at 9 months, 12 months and 18 months Kenzi had black eyes! All of them due to various mishaps like climbing into the penny car at Safeway, running into a table, etc. This followed her for the first couple years of driving. Fortunately her streak only lasted a couple cars - not like my captain crunch reputation!! (we won't go there!)

She also loved theme parties. The most notorious was the Pirates of the Caribbean party! Always queen of hospitality Kenzi threw the best parties!

She has always been amazing in the kitchen! Kenzi could cook from a very young age and unlike some of us who HAVE to have a recipe and eventually develop cooking skills, Kenzi was born them. She seemed to know just what spices to put together, had a knack for not only baking but making dinner - she became our designated chef when I went back to work full time, taking on that responsibility with her school work. She would make sure we had dinner on the table and it was always amazing! She also mastered cooking a turkey long before I did AND she makes the best pumpkin pie around with the lightest flakiest tastiest crust. I can't even make the crust, let alone the pie!

Kenzi has always been crafty and has hidden skills in the area of woodworking - I believe she's yet to discover just how amazing she is in this realm but someday she will have the tools and she will be able to show us her skills in building things and crafting things that are incredibly beautiful!

Kenzi is good at naming things...mostly her cars! From Archibald (Archie) to Reginald (Reggie) to the newest addition "GUS" - I'm not sure why all of Kenzi's cars are male and mine have always been female (Bertha & Fiona) but her fondness for her cars has always cracked me up.

Kenzi is going to be an awesome mom someday! She has always been a nurturer. She mothers everybody! She is SO compassionate and caring. But with the seriousness that comes with this, she also has a very light and fun heart. She loves to laugh, make people smile, and is full of mischief. This makes for a very fun and lively combination that will blossom into a very fun family and household of her own someday!

It's incredible watching your child grow up and seeing who they have become and who they are becoming! I love watching the Lord transform her heart and shape her into the Godly woman He has called her to be!

I love you Kenzi! May your 21st year be an incredible journey into adulthood!

MOVING ON - Reflecting on our first year in the Bakken

Sometimes life just doesn't go the way we imagine it should. Sometimes it takes a turn and we feel lost. That's what's hit our family and it has pushed us way off course.

I know we're supposed to be in North Dakota. How do I know? Because we have not had a minutes peace since we all arrived here. And when I talk peace I'm talking the "peace that surpasses all understanding." When we left the Cedarville bubble I never would have imagined the trials the Lord would allow us to pass through. We weren't here more than a month when the darkness began to consume us. It penetrated our hearts AND minds. The attack on our home not only spiritual but emotional. A loneliness that was all-consuming settled into our lives and it didn't matter how much retail therapy, family time or meals out we indulged in, we could not ward it off for a moment. 

Within months we were all broken vessels and yet we had not been able to find any consolation. We tried various churches but those that ministered to us most were too far away for practicality. Each of us were so busy licking our wounds and trying to make sense of what was going on we, never realized how closed off we had become from one another. Each choosing their own way of dealing with the situation. Not every choice made was good, but God has been gracious. 

God provided us with a roof over our heads - more than many who come to ND have. God has provided us all with good jobs - Daryl with his phone job, my office management job, Kenzi with her administrative job, Bailey with her dispatch position and even Sara has a great job! But as the saying goes, "money isn't everything." And that is what we've found. 

As each of us sought solace in various ways some of our choices have had deep, painful repercussions. What we felt were broken vessels, were soon shattered. But in this state we found our survivor's instinct.  Even with that however, we've crept forward so slowly from this place that we feel as though little to no progress has been made. I believe it's in these types of situations that the Lord does His finest work. True, inspired art is in the smallest of details. The beauty with woodcarving is in the intricacies and I believe the Lord has been etching more of Him into each of our hearts in a very intricate and intimate fashion. These testings and trials may seem to have held us back, but the question in my mind is why? What for? Where is God planning to take us from here? 

As His timing is perfect, He brought us to a church where we are slowly but surely finding a home and our new spiritual family. The senior pastor has already poured into our lives by ministering to us during the beginning stages of our crisis. His compassion, honesty and gentleness served to draw out our hurt and fear. As each of us opened up and poured out those fears we began to find glimmers of hope. Hope that this isn't how it will always be. Hope that there's healing on the other side. Light has begun to shine in the darkness and it's not as daunting as we thought. 

There's still a great deal of pain, but we have determined to take bigger steps towards healing and make further progress in our pursuit of ministering in North Dakota - just as we have always done wherever we've been. 

Through the trials and the pain there is victory to gain. 

Though the raging darkness come, there is only One

Who gives light amongst the shrouded path and graciously reveals

A future filled with hope and joy the enemy cannot steal.

So forge ahead dear child and see the journey through

For as an heir of his salvation, He has great plans for you!

 

  

YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS

It's been a tough week.
No...it's been a horrible week.
No...I have just had some really terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days this past week.
Interestingly enough, it has nothing whatsoever to do with my physical health.

I have learned some things about myself through this experience.
I am weak.
I can hopelessly dive head-long into a situation and forget who I am and what I stand for.
I let the situation consume me and obsessed over it so fully and completely I allowed it to draw my focus from the One whom I love most. Sad day.

I have learned some things about others.
People aren't always what they seem.
We cannot control what others think about us, but we can control how we react to them.
And therein lies the Christian walk. In living one's life in the pursuit of holiness and reflecting Christ, what others think does not matter. By focusing on Him we don't need to obsess over them.
Sometimes people say one thing but may be thinking something else and you just gotta roll with it.

I have learned some things about family.
They are gracious.
They are loving.
They put up with you even when you are not yourself.
They are such a blessing to have around and I wouldn't trade mine for the world!

I have learned some things about God.
He has a plan.
His timing is perfect.
He knows what I need and gives me all that I need.
His Word is relevant for today, and He has a Word for every situation you may be going through.
He brings you to a place where you are ready to worship even if you think you're not.
His love is pure, constant, sure, true, incredible and NEVER FAILS!
He is gracious enough to show you your heart and faithful enough to transform it for your good and for His glory!

The song, One Thing Remains, is what brought me to the point of realizing that I must turn everything over to Him.

"Higher than the mountains that I face."
Yes, there are mountains in North Dakota - they may not be seen by the naked eye but they are there and they are daunting, but HIS LOVE is higher and scales them without effort!

"Stronger than the power of the grave."
This line gets me.
I am amazed by the simple complexity of it. Yes that was an oxymoronic statement - but really, HIS LOVE conquered the grave and I am so quick to take this forgranted. God help me to never forget this!

"Constant through the trial and the change."
YES! This line as well holds true. With every trial in our lives there is change. Unimaginable, incomprehensible, unfathomable change.
Do I embrace it?
Do I run from it?
At this point, I don't do either. I simply rely on the fact that "One thing remains..."

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me!"

"On and on and on and on it goes! It overwhelms and satisfies my soul. (If I let it!)
And I never ever have to be afraid! (Thank you Jesus!)
One thing remains..."

"YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS, IT NEVER GIVES UP, IT NEVER RUNS OUT ON ME!"
And for that I'm eternally grateful!