MOVING ON - Reflecting on our first year in the Bakken

Sometimes life just doesn't go the way we imagine it should. Sometimes it takes a turn and we feel lost. That's what's hit our family and it has pushed us way off course.

I know we're supposed to be in North Dakota. How do I know? Because we have not had a minutes peace since we all arrived here. And when I talk peace I'm talking the "peace that surpasses all understanding." When we left the Cedarville bubble I never would have imagined the trials the Lord would allow us to pass through. We weren't here more than a month when the darkness began to consume us. It penetrated our hearts AND minds. The attack on our home not only spiritual but emotional. A loneliness that was all-consuming settled into our lives and it didn't matter how much retail therapy, family time or meals out we indulged in, we could not ward it off for a moment. 

Within months we were all broken vessels and yet we had not been able to find any consolation. We tried various churches but those that ministered to us most were too far away for practicality. Each of us were so busy licking our wounds and trying to make sense of what was going on we, never realized how closed off we had become from one another. Each choosing their own way of dealing with the situation. Not every choice made was good, but God has been gracious. 

God provided us with a roof over our heads - more than many who come to ND have. God has provided us all with good jobs - Daryl with his phone job, my office management job, Kenzi with her administrative job, Bailey with her dispatch position and even Sara has a great job! But as the saying goes, "money isn't everything." And that is what we've found. 

As each of us sought solace in various ways some of our choices have had deep, painful repercussions. What we felt were broken vessels, were soon shattered. But in this state we found our survivor's instinct.  Even with that however, we've crept forward so slowly from this place that we feel as though little to no progress has been made. I believe it's in these types of situations that the Lord does His finest work. True, inspired art is in the smallest of details. The beauty with woodcarving is in the intricacies and I believe the Lord has been etching more of Him into each of our hearts in a very intricate and intimate fashion. These testings and trials may seem to have held us back, but the question in my mind is why? What for? Where is God planning to take us from here? 

As His timing is perfect, He brought us to a church where we are slowly but surely finding a home and our new spiritual family. The senior pastor has already poured into our lives by ministering to us during the beginning stages of our crisis. His compassion, honesty and gentleness served to draw out our hurt and fear. As each of us opened up and poured out those fears we began to find glimmers of hope. Hope that this isn't how it will always be. Hope that there's healing on the other side. Light has begun to shine in the darkness and it's not as daunting as we thought. 

There's still a great deal of pain, but we have determined to take bigger steps towards healing and make further progress in our pursuit of ministering in North Dakota - just as we have always done wherever we've been. 

Through the trials and the pain there is victory to gain. 

Though the raging darkness come, there is only One

Who gives light amongst the shrouded path and graciously reveals

A future filled with hope and joy the enemy cannot steal.

So forge ahead dear child and see the journey through

For as an heir of his salvation, He has great plans for you!

 

  

YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS

It's been a tough week.
No...it's been a horrible week.
No...I have just had some really terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days this past week.
Interestingly enough, it has nothing whatsoever to do with my physical health.

I have learned some things about myself through this experience.
I am weak.
I can hopelessly dive head-long into a situation and forget who I am and what I stand for.
I let the situation consume me and obsessed over it so fully and completely I allowed it to draw my focus from the One whom I love most. Sad day.

I have learned some things about others.
People aren't always what they seem.
We cannot control what others think about us, but we can control how we react to them.
And therein lies the Christian walk. In living one's life in the pursuit of holiness and reflecting Christ, what others think does not matter. By focusing on Him we don't need to obsess over them.
Sometimes people say one thing but may be thinking something else and you just gotta roll with it.

I have learned some things about family.
They are gracious.
They are loving.
They put up with you even when you are not yourself.
They are such a blessing to have around and I wouldn't trade mine for the world!

I have learned some things about God.
He has a plan.
His timing is perfect.
He knows what I need and gives me all that I need.
His Word is relevant for today, and He has a Word for every situation you may be going through.
He brings you to a place where you are ready to worship even if you think you're not.
His love is pure, constant, sure, true, incredible and NEVER FAILS!
He is gracious enough to show you your heart and faithful enough to transform it for your good and for His glory!

The song, One Thing Remains, is what brought me to the point of realizing that I must turn everything over to Him.

"Higher than the mountains that I face."
Yes, there are mountains in North Dakota - they may not be seen by the naked eye but they are there and they are daunting, but HIS LOVE is higher and scales them without effort!

"Stronger than the power of the grave."
This line gets me.
I am amazed by the simple complexity of it. Yes that was an oxymoronic statement - but really, HIS LOVE conquered the grave and I am so quick to take this forgranted. God help me to never forget this!

"Constant through the trial and the change."
YES! This line as well holds true. With every trial in our lives there is change. Unimaginable, incomprehensible, unfathomable change.
Do I embrace it?
Do I run from it?
At this point, I don't do either. I simply rely on the fact that "One thing remains..."

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me!"

"On and on and on and on it goes! It overwhelms and satisfies my soul. (If I let it!)
And I never ever have to be afraid! (Thank you Jesus!)
One thing remains..."

"YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS, IT NEVER GIVES UP, IT NEVER RUNS OUT ON ME!"
And for that I'm eternally grateful!

AM I A PHARISEE? My Conversation With God

I have been living the textbook life of the American Christian. Hopefully I don't offend, I'm praying I only convict with my words and draw you closer to the Lord. This textbook American Christian to me looks like this:

* Self Sufficient
* Prideful
*Arrogant
*Double Minded
*Pious
*Judgmental
*Insincere

I'm not saying that these are all-encompassing traits and that the American Christian doesn't possess positive traits as well, but I am saying that our comfortable lives have left us open to these not-so-Christian traits invading our lives and we let it slide because we never realize there is a different way to be living. Basically I've allowed so much of the world to become embedded in me that I haven't had room for Christ. I began to see just how pharisaical my life has been. I allowed everyone outside my family to see my good side but all the while the flesh would rear it's ugly head - not usually at my children but mostly at my husband. Now, he's a tough guy, a real man who can take it, and I am ever so thankful for that because in all my ugliness he still saw the beauty within and never gave up on our marriage!

So my conversation with God went something like this:
How is it that I am FINALLY learning so much about You? How much pride I must have that I would prefer to live like a pharisee. I am truly devastated Lord and quite mortified as well! However, I believe I am beginning to understand why things have seemed so distant between us. I know it wasn't You. I am FULLY to blame. I have taught myself to play the role of a Christian, saying all the right words but feeling so distant from You. I am truly learning what it means to be a woman after God's own heart and not someone out there serving God for all to see. I'm not negating the fact that You were using me in spite of myself - for that I am really grateful. I am saying that You probably could have done so much more if I had gotten myself out of the way!!
Thanks for being patient with me Lord. I know we have a long way to go, but I am excited about the journey ahead.

I am finding out how much I NEED God. How to FEAR Him in reverence. Just how depraved I truly am. I understand all of this more fully now.

I have always had a theory in Sanctify Ministries - the purity ministry the Lord allowed me to be a part of - the theory is this: Purity is a process fueled by a passion. I would not be who I am today or where I am today had it not been for that passionate pursuit and hunger for an understanding of purity. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a LONG way to go yet and that I'll never "arrive" or meet perfection in this lifetime. I have occasionally felt my strivings were in vain and that I definitely gave myself too much credit but I can actually see how much I've grown and am so grateful for it. As my relationship with the Lord takes on a deeper understanding I feel so overwhelmed by His love and sacrifice on my behalf.

Am I a Pharisee? In some respects, I would have to say yes. My prayer is that God would weed out all those pharisaical thoughts and habits out of my life and continue to mold me and shape me into His image.

THE GOOD WIFE...NOT

It is amazing what the Lord has to do to get SELF out of the way so that you can have a better view of life around you. It's been quite the process this - getting self out of the way - thing. I never realized how self-consumed I actually have been throughout my life, but what I never thought was that I was not a good wife. I thought I was exceptional. I have four beautiful daughters that were well behaved and a joy to be around. I tried to make sure his socks and underwear drawer were always full. I made him dinner...sometimes. I thought I was respectful. I thought I was supportive. But reflecting on my life I am ashamed of who I've been, how I've treated my husband and just how unconcerned for his well-being I acted. When did I become so selfish?

Things I did NOT do for my husband that I am going to start doing now...

* I never took a glass of cold water or iced tea or something out to him while he mowed the lawn in 90+ degree weather. I plan to rectify this oversight this summer.
* I never thanked him or told him just how incredible I think his mechanical skills are and how blessed our family has been by his willingness to sacrifice his weekends and evenings to work on our vehicles and maintain them. How much money he saved us is unfathomable. What an amazing guy! I have told him how I think he ROCKS in this area just recently!
* I forgot to ask him how his day went on a regular basis. I usually just dumped my complaints on him, and sometimes the kids - never even realizing that just maybe he had a bad day and could use a little compassion from his wife.
* I have often neglected to show appreciation for all the little things he would do without my asking. This got so bad that eventually he stopped doing them. Thanks for shoveling the walks the other morning in sub-zero weather babe and for starting my car so it was defrosted and warm and ready to go! And thanks for putting the subzero windshield wiper fluid in without my even asking - it really came in handy!
* I never mentioned how safe and secure he has always made me feel or how cool it is that he can shoot so well and loves all sorts of guns and even shoots a bow. YOU DA MAN!
* I have not been very good about mentioning what an awesome father he is. He has four amazing daughters - they didn't get to be who they are today without his input and God certainly placed within him a discernment and compassion and great love for his girls. Thanks for being so sensitive and caring and for continuing to pour into their lives to this day!
* I have never told him that I don't want to live without him. That he makes me smile, points me to Jesus, helps me become a better person the longer we're together. He brings a smile to my face and a song to my heart!
* I have been somewhat controlling and manipulative. I thought I had this UNDER CONTROL but sadly - my sinful nature was controlling me and I thought I had to control my husband. Our life would be so much farther along and even a great deal better if I had let him lead! UUGH! I just cringe when I think of some of the things I've said and done that have undermined him, hurt him, broken him. I desire to encourage him and support him and pray the Lord would equip him to be the head of the household as God intended all along. Lord, help me get out of the way!!!
* I have poured into and encouraged many young women along the way, but I never really poured into my husband. It's time. I need to become his biggest cheerleader because he deserves it. He is an amazing man, who has done some awesome things in his lifetime and I'm sure has many more awesome things to accomplish in the years ahead - and I desire to be alongside to see these amazing things as they happen and cheer him on in the process.

How things ever got so off-track, how I ever became so selfish and messed up is a sad state of affairs. My fleshly, sinful nature was run-amok - but I am so thankful the Lord in His goodness and mercy has begun to reveal to me the ugliness of my heart and life and is working on transforming me into a woman after God's heart and a loving, respectful, supportive, encouraging wife. I pray THEY (Daryl & God) never give up on me!! That someday I can gratefully and honestly tout the title "The Good Wife" to His glory!

THIS IS HOW WE ROLL...

Life has been pretty rough as of late. Things just don't seem to be going as planned...any of it. But God doesn't guarantee that things will go as I planned. He doesn't guarantee I'll even wake up tomorrow morning.

However, He DOES guarantee...
       He will never leave me.
              He will be with me always - even to the end of time.
                      He holds me in the palm of His hand.
                               Nothing can seperate us...NOTHING.

So when things get tough around here what do we do?
We laugh...then we cry...then we laugh some more. Some people may consider us strange because if there's one thing that can be said about our family - we smile and laugh A LOT. I've even offended some people because I laugh all the time. I don't mean it as an offense. God has just chosen to reveal a side of life to me that some don't see. Maybe I don't take life serious enough. BUT, I do LOVE life. And that's just how we roll.

The sad part of this is that it's how we used to roll. Things have happened this past year that have caused us to laugh a lot less. A heaviness has settled on our hearts and lives that has somehow robbed us of our joy. And we hadn't noticed this until just recently. Daryl and I knew something was wrong, we just couldn't put our finger on it until last night when he sauntered into the kitchen and said he'd figured something out. We are missing our JOY!

So where did it go? How did it slip from our home? It's as if it slowly frittered away without us even realizing it! But I don't think it happened slowly - I think JOY just packed it up and skeedaddled. Where did our joy come from? How do we get it back?

I know the Lord provided our home with a great deal of joy. When we were more focused on Him and serving Him things bounced along at a tigger pace with a great deal of joy. Nothing could touch us - that's how we rolled or rather bounced along. Things began their decline when the stresses of life closed in around us. We couldn't sell our home. We had family struggles. We worked hard.

We dove into retail therapy for our relief rather than our Bibles.

But the Bible tells us to SEEK FIRST the Kingdom of God. It says if we SEEK Him we will find Him. It says to cast your cares upon the Lord for He cares for you. It talks about focusing on the heavenly things and the things of this world will dim by comparison.

So...it's time for us to refocus. To seek Him first and rekindle the JOY of our salvation. It's time for JOY to move back into our home. We need to do this so that we can get back into life as it should be because this is how we roll!!!

IN CHRIST ALONE

It has been a long heavy five months. I never knew something could become all-consuming. This thing...it's become more of an "elephant in the room," a constant feeling of failure, a constant reminder of my own past that has come back to haunt me in many ways.

As I reflected back on the past year I see how I have allowed this situation to take over and almost impede progress. Not a healthy perspective but I'm being honest here. I have struggled miserably with my own heart, my own relationship with God, my relationship with my family. But before I have everybody depressed let me move on to the beautiful things that have come from all this...

You see, when a person sits back and reflects on the year as a whole - there are glimpses of beauty among the ashes! And we had tons!!! I have to attribute the beauty to the only One who could possibly bring forth any form of beauty from all we've been through this year - and that is Christ Alone! Yes - He is fully and completely responsible for making this a year of new beginnings and fresh starts.

I moved to North Dakota with trepidation. Without any anticipation of anything other than cold. And I have found plenty of cold. But with the cold comes these amazing snow falls - the kind where the snow is so heavy and moist it collects on the tree branches, the telephone poles, the electrical lines and leaves the surroundings looking like a veritable winter wonderland. (Makes me wish I had snow shoes and a snow mobile!) This same snow reflects the sunlight and leaves me wishing I hadn't left my sunglasses at home because it is so wonderfully bright! The cold leaves me appreciating the days we break into the teens! And loving the heatwave we've had the last couple days because we actually hit 30 degrees! (Unseasonably warm!)

With the move has come new friendships formed. An unlikely female coworker who has turned out to be a huge blessing, who is like iron-sharpening-iron and one who knows her Bible so deeply and personally she's put me to shame! I've also made friends with some distant friends and relatives I might never have known without the move. Chance meetings at the Dakota Mall and impromptu lunches. Precious new friends who email or text out of the blue just to say "hi". Others who mention jewelry parties on their facebook to help promote Women At Risk and the ministry they stand for. And then there are the unlikely friendships with the guys that work for the company. These guys that put in 12-18 hour days, live for months away from family, give up so much of themselves and live out a seemingly lonely existence here in cold country. My goal at work is to touch their lives in a positive fashion and show the love of Jesus in some way-shape-or-form so that they might someday know Him. Or if they already do, give them a ray of sunshine in their day. Apparently it's worked for several texted me at random over the holidays wishing me and my family a Merry Christmas. God is good!

With the move has come great challenges to my former Christian bubble existence. The bubble has definitely popped and reality settled in quickly. August brought about the greatest reality check that left our family reeling. In December came the realization that we had allowed the situation to consume us and devastate us and keep us from moving forward and living for Jesus. I took time to reflect on this and made the decision that I would not let this continue. It was time to move forward, to get my eyes back on the goal. To refocus my heart on heavenly things and let the things of this world dim by comparison. And as I began to move forward an even more wonderful gift unfolded before my very eyes...

A deeper, revitalized, unbelievably sweet relationship with my precious man. I never knew it would take such trials and tribulations to move us to this level of intimacy in our relationship. One that shows a great deal of respect for each other. One that allows us to encourage one another to love and good deeds. One that enables us to touch one another's hearts in ways we never have before. This on the cusp of empty nest. Such beauty is unfathomable and rich.

Lord you ARE good and Your mercy DOES endure forever. And I am SO grateful for all You've allowed us to go through this past year and look forward to all You have for us in the years to come!

In Christ alone my hope is found - He is my light, my strength my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground. Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace.
When fears are stilled. When strivings cease.
My comforter, my all in all, here in the love of Christ I stand!

HAPPY, BLESSED, JOY-FILLED, PEACEFUL NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

THERE IS LIGHT!

I've just met Emily at Her blog - Chatting at the Sky

From what I've read, I think we may be kindred spirits...to some extent at least. She has something she does every first Tuesday - she opens her blogs to posts from other women who have something to share.

 

It's the "celebrating" part of the statement that caught my attention, for at this time in my life I'm feeling more the "messy and the unexpected" over the lovely.

Life truly can catch us unaware. It can trample us under foot. It can leave us broken, wounded, and in complete despair. At least that's what the enemy would love to see happen. He's been shooting flaming arrow after flaming arrow until that just wasn't enough and he decided to come in like a roaring lion and threaten to tear our family to shreds.

His attempts have shaken our world. Our happy little home has been wounded, but that doesn't mean it won't heal. There are days when I am reduced to tears by the prospect of another day of dealing with what has happened and wondering if I can really manage to go to work and act as if nothing is wrong. But I manage. There are nights when I lay next to my husband, a true warrior - one who never really cries - and I wonder if I should tell him he cries in his sleep? Heart wrenching to say the least.

But I'm not writing this to have a pity party. No...I am writing this to share that in the midst of darkness there is always LIGHT. It's true! I've seen it, day-after-day.
Every morning whether I want it to or not the sun STILL comes up.
There is light.
Every day my daughters still laugh and smile and even the mischevious gleam in their eyes are back.
There is light.
Every day I awake next to my amazing man and am so thankful he is here and every day I walk out in the brisk North Dakota cold and remember how good it is to breathe!
There is light.
Every day I snuggle up in my favorite corner of our soft leather couch (yes...it's a "weathered leather" and it's glorious and so comfy it literally SNUGGLES you!) I grab my favorite book (my NLT Bible) and my journal and I spend time with my best friend. Here is where I find strength for the journey. It is here that I see truth and light and gear up for the battle ahead.
There is Light!

I love skyping with my eldest daughter and seeing my precious Hannah as she dances and sings as only an 18-month-old can do. It is incredible watching her grow leaps and bounds and seeing how carefree her life is. I love anticipating the appearance of my new grandbaby. I love seeing my Kenzi make friends here in lonely North Dakota and "get a life." I love little blessings that the Lord chooses to give us when we least expect it. There is light.

For I have found that when you realize that the battle is not yours but the Lord's, your load is lightened and you can once again focus on the important things in life. "For My yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light." (Matt. 11:30)

Yes, my life is messy and yes, the unexpected hit with a vengeance - but we are hanging on and we are grateful for every moment we have because the battle belongs to the Lord and in Him THERE IS LIGHT!